January 28, 2004

Hmm…

Jinx like, resents that I hang out with Brian now. I know it. And yet the main reason i’m trying to make plans with him on Friday is because she was trying to make her own with a girl I don’t even get along with.

Would you get along with a girl who said that you tried to drown her in 2nd grade? Or even -gasp- shoved her off the monkey bars in fifth? I’m serious here people.

She was like all moody about it. Yes Jinx, because I have just so many friends that I never spend any with you. *rolls eyes*

I actually look forward to gold days now, I can’t wait to have a web design class where I actually *learn* something again! And seeing as I have no idea how to use frontpage either, that will be fun as well!

Yes. I am a freak. But at least I have a passion for my career of choice alright? Would you rather hear me being excited about that or bitching that I’m some 55 year old woman working at Rite Aid?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

I love my reviewers. I know all my friends just kinda shake their heads and blow me off about it, by my fanfictions are my own way of dealing with my issues. ^^; Oddly I’ve been getting originality comments. I love getting reviews because I get that warm mushy feeling, and everyone loves my odd writing style.

I’m still worried about Dusty though…

Overall, today was good. And it still is because I have like…four more hours of being awake. Trust me, I dread nothing more then *shudders* having a set time to wake up. I can’t wait till I’m a freelance web designer and just go to work (probably across the hallway) as soon as I feel like waking up. Ahh, that’ll be the life.

Yeah, you’re really thinking that the physco lady might have a good idea after all now aren’t you? Ha. It’s all mine. Only scary physco people like me who drool at the words of like CSS and Iframes are allowed in this business, and maybe a Pookie or two.

Bah. Lol. Nobody reads my journal anyway. ^^;

-Andi

January 28, 2004

Reminder.

All the entries except for this one and the one immediatly previous are copies of the entries I had on my greatest journal. The most recent one before today was on December 1st 2003.

January 28, 2004

Noo.

Ok, everyone knows I’m super over reactive when it comes to my friends. I don’t have many, so naturally my biggest fear is losing them all. And somehow, I feel like I’m doing that. I keep missing Dusty, I’ll go on RO and she’ll message me and by the time I get off, she’s gone. I go to message her, and she signs off. I talked to her today. It almost does scare me how I know she was mad at me with a simple…Hey. Or maybe…it’s because I got the hey. Usually I get an ANDO! And glomped. With Dusty, I always feel like I’m competing with her other friends. Always trying to not be…forgotten. Today, I really did feel that way. She was just like…no, I’m just in a chat and talking to my friend. I felt so…unwanted. Or second place to everyone else that she is friends with. I haven’t mentioned in here, but I did get the nerve to talk to Sarah, I was replied with a: I felt that you at least deserved to know I’ve moved on, speech.

Oh Allie. I know most times you’re the only person who reads this. Probably the only person who cares about my personal life enough too. My biggest fear – my big big fear is…being forgotten. I don’t want to live life and never be known for anything. Honestly, conceitedness and self-centeredness of it all – that’s one of the larger reasons why I try to run a web site.

I’m so tired of being depressed, so tired of being needy. I wish I could just give myself a quick kick in the ass and be my real self again. But it’s so hard when I feel like even Jinx takes me for granted. Sometimes I wonder if she even wants me at the same college as her. I have a lot of underlying feelings that I’m just unwanted in everything I do. I changed my schedule today because I knew right off that Jinx wasn’t even going to recognize I was there. So I edited my schedule and set it up so that my independent study was with one of the teachers I like, at the same time as Brian’s class. Brian is good people. I like him a lot. It was a rather nice boost to my same ego when he said; “Now I know why Jinx hangs out with you, it’s a lot of fun.” but when I said that to Jinx she’s like…No, that’s not why. Sometimes she can be a really big bitch without realizing it at all. Yesterday I was like…trapped into taking her grocery shopping, I basically had said in every way possible without directly saying it that I didn’t want to. “I have no gas Jinx. None.” I dropped her off at her house, and left. “Just call me later or whatever.” she calls me in an hour; “Just let me fucking wake up.” And then when I was promised lunch, she wanted to make it Chinese. Ok, I don’t like Chinese food. Hell honestly, I like a rather odd combination of food. But it just pissed me off because she knows I don’t like it. In the grocery store I just followed her around with the cart. I don’t even like shopping when there’s no benefit for me – I’m just one of those people. I can’t stand window shopping. She was trying to yell at my for playing on the cart too. And *gasp* I laid on the back of the damn chair.

Everything was just leading to one really pissed off Andi. I don’t know if she’s honestly getting jealous that I’m spending time with Brian or not, but I rather like having two friends. Brian’s getting tired of hanging out with the same people day after day and really, so am I. It’s just the same thing day after day and college seems so far and so close at the same time. Ok – Brian may not be the most handsome guy in the world, but he’s a sweetheart. ^^; Though you’d have to know him to understand that I think. I kinda do want to go to prom with him – he doesn’t have a date, I don’t have a date, he’s he’s the one pushing me to ask someone. (And just plain go for that matter.) He says he likes someone I know rather well, and it’s not Jinx. That sadly, does eliminate a lot of people. And I’m really glad it’s not Jinx. She was like…”Thank God.” when I told her it wasn’t him. For someone who’s beginning to like the kid…that stings. I wanted to smack her right there in the car. She’s so vain. The only people she really likes are pretty boys.

>.< I probably shouldn’t be talking about one of my only friends like that but…I needed to get it all off my chest. Sometime there’s only so much you can take and I passed that point a month ago. I wonder half the time if we only hang out because neither of us has anything better to do. So I like hanging out with Brian. It gives me something better to do.

But I guess I am finally moving on…a little. I still miss Jerry a lot though – as a best friend. He said before that he comes in to see Sturk a lot and now that I have him, maybe I’ll get a chance to see Jerry and at least talk to him one last time. The last time I saw him was so…unresolved.

I guess that’s it.

-Andi

January 28, 2004

Ahh…

It’s always nice to get some work for tsuki done. I love how it usually doesn’t feel like a job, or a responsibility, it’s just… tsuki. I love looking and thinking back at the the sites we’ve crossed, and all the people I’ve met. I’ve now been progressively working on this one rpg for 4 years.

Some people have come and gone… some more sadly then others. But then there’s the special ones that stick around ever when they stop being involved in the site. Madelin. There’s the ones that’re always there for me – Claire and Allie. And those ones that while sometimes you want to strange, your memories with them go just as deep – Tab and Rando.

My year hasn’t exactly been the greatest, but all through this time these people have been there for me. And whether or not they even ever read this journal entry is irrelevant, I’m still going to say this – Thank You.

And thank you to all the students you cross my site daily. Even without playing an physical impact on my life you do. Because it’s you people who continue to come back everyday not knowing what to expect from me next.

Arigotou minna-san. And Konbanwa.

January 28, 2004

Merf. (This one had no title)

Squeeishness…

Hehe. Dusty says I’m less self-centered then Barney. ^.~

Few more days till FFX-2 comes out. I’m all happy-bouncy. I loved FFX.

Tsuki is going to get done if it kills me. I’ll figure out a way too. I like only work weekends so weekdays, I will get it done. And all that time in independent study where I have nothing to do right now. Tsuki time!

Ok so honestly I probably won’t do it then, but I have good intentions. Really. I do.

January 28, 2004

Humorous

it’s funny really, seeing the world through other peoples eyes. Watching as one person’s reactions bounce off anothers.

How we all strive to be independent and think that other people’s words really don’t affect us…when they do.

To live in a world of grey would be the end for me. To live day in and day out in mindless patience. Day in and day out of the same old thing, no feelings of happiness, joy, or anger. Sure being sad sucks but it’s really those moments that make the other ones so much brighter.

It’s the factor that Dusty came all the way to see me that made my week suck to much less.

It’s the fact that by my Grandfather dying, my family in longer in debt with like everything and for the first x-mas in years, we don’t have to take out a loan that makes the fact that he’s gone, so much easier to deal with.

It’s pathetic that I sound like the optimistic one. Me the eternal complainer. The whiner. I hate not getting my own way. I’m right and your wrong. That’s life with me. Self-centered much? Yeah.

I hate my emotions. Really. Someone dies and do I cry? No. Break my arm and do I? No. One of my fish dies? Yep.

I have…no trust in people. Or myself. I’m self-conscious as all hell. I don’t even trust my Mom. But then… she keeps to much from me for me too.

She never told me my grandfather committed suicide.
She never told me he was cheating on my grandmother.
She never told me she was abused… every way possible.

And she doesn’t trust me. And she has no reason not too.

Oh well. Too bad.

I hate how one person calling me self-conscious effects me for days on end. Even now I wonder. This is my own damn about myself and I still feel like I talk about myself too much now. And what’s worse… nobody can say anything to make you feel better. And if they do and you’re like me, you feel worse because then you’ve been talking about yourself again.

Guess that’s how the world turns. Life sucks. I’ll figure that out eventually.

~ Andi

January 28, 2004

Mer.

I have a job.

I hate it. I’ve worked there for one day and I’m already dreading going back there. It’s not even your usual I don’t want to worrrkk. It’s a – I really don’t like my job and as soon as I see another one I’m taking it sort of job. It’s boring, and the concrete floors kill my already bad feet. To be blunt – It sucks.

I dreaded today even though I hate the day off because it meant I was one day closer to having to work again.

I. hate. it.

January 28, 2004

It’s a sad sad world.

When the girl who up until three days ago was your best friend cares more about people online and talking to them then talking to you. But you know… it was as I just commented to Dusty… I didn’t lose *my* Georgie. The person who calls them self my Georgie died when she moved. She’s a whole other person know who I don’t know anymore. I know I keep dragging this on but… she meant a lot to me. A lot.

It’s hard to accept going from being close enough to read eachother’s minds, knowing just when to pick up the phone cause she’s going to call, to accepting the fact she doesn’t bother to keep me in her life anymore. Yeah, I’d say that stings. I think Allie lost all respect for her a little while ago…maybe Dusty too, I dunno. I just know I did. The minute I realized I wasn’t part of her life anymore. She had “obligations” I wasn’t a part of.

I hate that I went from having two people I was really close to, to none in under a month. In the span of two weeks I probably lost forever the two people that I could count on on a physical basis. Jerry and Sarah were the people I was the closest too and I feel like one girl managed to take them both away from me. One girl who i thought I could count on and trust with everything in me.

Allie and Dusty are the best people anyone could hope for. I know I’ve said this, but you can never brag to much about the people who let you whine to them constantly and they never tell you to suck it up. They’re always there for me telling me I’m better then them anyway, and why would I want a friend like her anyway. Both always have the perfect words to say to me to pull my day up and make it just a little better.

I’m abandoning my website again, which I hate. It’s just been so hard emotionally to get a grip on anything. What with the whole Mom mentioning Dad and her weren’t doing to well and then blaming it on me, then telling me that it wasn’t my fault, my car breaking down and me having to take the bus it’s just all… out of reach.

I want to get out of this place and off to college, I want Jinxsie and I to both go to Pittsburg. I’m afraid too. Afraid I’ll be alone again. And I’m so scared of that idea. I’ve been left alone so much. Even surrounded by people who love me I feel so isolated sometimes.

~ Me

January 28, 2004

Bahh

trapped in an endless dream today
living life day by day
hoping the next will be better then the last
seconds go by like a minute hand
one moment barely lasting to the other
not knowing what the future holds
secrets and lies hidden from me
barely holding on to life
trapped in an endless dream today
living life day by day.

don’t know what to feel anymore
lost on how it is I should feel
unwilling to let go of precious memories
clinging to a past that’s left me behind.
trying not to cry today
as life plays it’s tricks on me again
fate has nearly crossed the line
not quite at that no more point
being glad for the little i have
hoping this present won’t betray me

January 28, 2004

Poems

Whenever somethings bugging me, I tend to write poetry. It’s just who I am. So at the moment, you’ll probably see a lot of it because I think the fact that the girl who was supposed to be my best friend told me yesterday she doesn’t have time for me anymore. I wish she’d said that in person so I could’ve bitch slapped her across the face. She doesn’t even have a life anymore. She works for dear lil Mommy and her step-dad. And I’m intentionally being vicious because I’m damn pissed off at her and will likely never speak to her again. I’ve never felt so insulted in my life as during that conversation.

I calls her up on the phone,
tears in my eyes, hiccups in my words
she tells me not now, I’m busy
but her words only make it worse,
I heard the background, heard the game sounds
she doesn’t care anymore.

They tell me to no longer bother
but I don’t want to listen, give up hope
5 rings, the voice mail picks up,
I leave a message, get no reply.
All I wanted was you there for me
It wasn’t that much to ask.

Few weeks later, I send a message
Why don’t you write? Call? Care?
She says I’m to busy working,
not a single day off?
I get a don’t have time to be a kid.
She’s 2 months older.

Here I am again today.
Wondering what it is, I do
to drive them all away from me
not a single one cared enough to call
Once more I lose that trust in life
why should I bother?

Oh kami. Why do I even bother to try? Every time I make a friend, every time I get close, things start to look up, this one won’t betray me. a month, a year, two later, SLAM they’re gone again. Just when I start to truly trust someone, truly believe that maybe this person won’t hurt me, won’t leave me behind, it happens. I just wish I had * one * person to count on * one * person who I could sincerely just put all my faith and trust in. I love Allie and Claire. They are…the best I could ever ask for in friends. Everything I want. But their miles, states away.

I don’t think my Mom can truly understand why I want away from here. I want away from all these people who remind me I’m alone. Yeah, I do have that loving, caring family that people want, but it’s not perfect either. My mom saying my Dad doesn’t love her anymore, and that he won’t talk to her again for awhile and blaming it on me, even with the apology that it wasn’t my fault later… that still hurts. But there’s…so many secrets, so much my Mom hides from me. Doesn’t tell me my “grandfather” committed suicide, doesn’t tell me he abused her every way possible. I want away from these people, things, places that just come back to haunt and hurt me later.

It’s been like…2 months since I last saw Jerry, last got to talk to him. Ok, that just…sucks. I may not have loved Jerry the way he wanted me to, but I cared about him, and he was one of my best friends. And then one day he up and just never shows up or calls. Even if he talked to Tab and knew I wanted to break up with him,… that’s not what I wanted. never. And it kills me that he could just up and that easily forget all about me. But then… all best friends do.

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