Yeyyyy! Talkingto Dusty again, and while in front of scary people in study hall, that’s all I’m saying.
February 26, 2004
February 25, 2004
I miss Dusty…
I really do, especially when I saw Brian’s old draft from his yearbook stuff today and it reminded me that Dusty was one of my best buds in it. I want my friennnnnnnddddddddddd back. It’s not…fair.
And it’s my fault. Moo. Oom.
I want my friend back.
*thinks of the song and hunts it out*
I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it’ll be alright
I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend
I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
I always know which friends I’m going to lose the hardest, because they’re the ones that I never fight with. Madelin who I never fought with and I are still friends, but nowhere near to the extent we used to be. Sarah “moved past” our friendship, and now Clairey who I can’t even get ahold of anymore.
*sighs*
I should just resign to move on. But I don’t want to. With Dusty it was so…sudden. One day we were laughing, she was visiting me, and then the next we were completely falling apart. Sometimes I want to go back and change exactly what I did and others I still don’t know where we went wrong.
But I think Rando’s right…sometimes your pride can be slain if you know that the friendship you had was more important. Take the fall and then just be glad to have your friend, or know that you took the chance. I know I can contact her…if even through the HPB boards that I hate so much…but… I just want my friend back.
…I will. I’m going to. It’s at least better to try and fail then to have never tried at all, right?
Right.
February 17, 2004
These days, I can’t really understand how things can break so easily. A game, a message board, a week, a bit of miscommunication and the friendship between two girls who would travel lengths of time to see eachother is at risk.
But you know what? It still won’t change the fact that we fogged up the windows sitting at wendys while Jinx tried to eat my car.
Or that my voice message still says Claire stole it.
Or that I raced to North Conway in half the time it should’ve taken my to visit someone for an hour and a half to sit in a ski booth in McDonalds.
Or that I have a *horde* of pictures.
And that I want more of that fudge – it was yummy.
Or the hundreds of conversations we’ve had over the two years or so it’s been.
That we’ve only argued twice in two years.
Or that I’ve resorted to talking to her through her journal.
That she’s still the second person on speedial on my phone.
Or because no matter what – for the last two years at least, she’s been my best friend and one of the two people in this world I could ever talk to, and the first to just accept me as me.
And now, then, in the future, she’ll still always be my Dusty.
February 17, 2004
I know it’s worth it
And I know it’s hard
Life isn’t easy
and neither is love
still no easier
no more capable
filling in holes
I’ll still be here
and you’ll be there.
love between friends
anger between sisters
it’s all the same later
when the lonliness comes
your still alone
by yourself and wondering
when did the time come
when it was no longer enough?
Green eyed beasts aflare
and harsh words a plenty
words spoken to never return
threads severed, needles broken
rivers flowing, no more dams
labrynths of lost little girls
seen to much of the adult world
and yet none at all.
But you tell me,
Does it make it any easier?
A cut is still a cut,
your blood as red as mine
and when your gone,
you’d still want to know
that someone cared for you
would’ve died for you
worried about you
misses you.
“How did we ever go this far? You touch my hand and start the car, and for this first time in my life…I’m crying.”
February 17, 2004
Mm..
trapped in that dream again
wonderin where the door could be
will i ever find that way out
stop feeling these emotions again
trapped in an endless dream again
living life week by week…
I’m actually not depressed right now, but for some reason a returning post of that poem shouted to me, maybe because I frist wrote it when I was about to lose Sarah, and now I’ve lost Claire too.
It really…sucks. Claire was one of the first people – maybe the only person – I’ve ever known who first met me for me. No prejudgements, no words of wisdom, just one girl meeting another, and she’s gone. I’ve lost her to newer people and newer interests.
Argh, I can really be a horrible person. That’s what like 3 times now I’ve lost someone *because* I was losing them? When I’m scared and afraid – I react angrily (why do you people think I don’t drink? I’m afriad of the reaction) and lash out at the people who I’m afriad are going to hurt me before they do. I knew Claire was losing interest in Tsuki, and I was afraid that with that as it often happens, she’d lose interest in me too.
Why can’t I support you in new interests? Because with new interests means less attention in other places.
Because it stung every day when I’d look, and you’d be like oh I had a great time with all these people, and you know, not often did you mention having a great time with us anymore. So no, I don’t support new interests that take away some of the most important people in my life. You were always mentioning this person or that person from over there. I’d try to talk to you and I’d be fighting for your attention with them. I’d try and ask you to work on Tsuki so it could become something we could all be proud of, and maybe make one of my oldest dreams come true. Before I was even a web designer I wanted a beautiful popular website. And my continual needing of approval self knows it’s because of a past I won’t get into because I whine about it. A lot.
But then, I could also say – screw you this is my journal and the point of having my journal is to whine and blather on because it doesn’t react or respond. But I won’t.
But I am watching two girls who were practically best friends stop because of a game, and a message board.
Claire think of it this way – You hate me saying Allie was more important, replace Allie a few time over with all your HPB friends and instead of recently, that’s how I’ve felt for the months it’s been since you joined HPB.
I should just be glad for the times we had. But I won’t, and I will. I’m horrible at grieving.
He stares with all his heart and soul
just to watch her walk away
a man cries and falls to the floor
how could I have let her go?
She walked away without word
but he missed the tears in her eyes
she waits for him to say the words
Baby please don’t go.
The door closes and she leaves the room
she’ll be on the next plane tomarrow
he hopes for all he can and prays
that she don’t leave him and go
he rushes across the crowded room
missing her more by the minute
the planes about to take off
and all he can do… is watch her go.
she takes her seat and buckles up
she looks out the window
and she can almost here him whisper words
Baby I love you, please don’t go.
She rushes off the plane
and looks around the room
she spots him in a millisecond
and then she tells him, I couldn’t go.
they walk away hand in hand
she’s finally at peace
she now has heard him say,
Baby, please don’t go.
February 12, 2004
Fed up nonsence.
Guess what?
Andi’s far more pissed off then she ever has been at someone online. A new record has been set.
Here’s a few reasons why – Lying, Ignoring responsibilities, Abandoning the friends you had first, and throw that all in with a lot of broken promises.
For a girl who had a lot of faith and trust in someone, to have it broken off so easily leaves one pissed off girl.
February 7, 2004
stolen questiony.
Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
procrastinating
underestimating myself
being mistrustful of people
getting angry easily.
Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
Allie, in a place I could visit her.
Claire talking to me.
My college acceptance letter.
The money to pay for college
Name Four Scents You Love:
mommy.
vanilla
cherry
Aussie hair shampoo.
Name Four People That Know You the Best:
Allie
Jinx
The Tsuki Gang
Madelin
Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
Dusty
College
Food
Where I’ll be for the next four days.
Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
Gone to work.
Talked to people.
Given away staff positions.
wondered when my college info is coming.
Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
Soda
3 Doors Down Away from the Sun
Kare Kano
Cowboy Behop
Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
Code Red
Vanilla Pepsi
Cherry Pepsi
Pepsi
First Grade Teacher’s Name?
Mrs. Bosworth
Last Words You Said
I love you too.
Last Song You Sang?
“Here Without You.”
Last Person You Hugged?
Claire
Last Thing You Laughed At?
Randy and my amusing enterance into the chat.
Last Time You Cried?
When Sarah told me she had moved past our friendship.
What’s In Your CD Player?
Jinx’s Mix
What Color Socks Are You Wearing?
I don’t wear socks.
What’s Under Your Bed?
A lot of junk.
What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
7:20 AM
Current Taste?
Ritz peanut Butter Crackers
Current Hair?
Messy pony tail.
Current Clothes?
Superman Shirt, Black pants.
Current Annoyance?
people.
Current Longing?
High speed internet.
Current Desktop Picture?
Stupid one because I haven’t made one to fit my resolution yet.
Current Worry?
Does Dusty even remember I exist?
Current Hate?
Away messages.
Current Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex?
Eyes.
Last CD You Bought?
Away From the Sun
Favorite Place To Be?
With my friend’s.
Least Favorite Place?
Anywhere aline.
Time You Wake Up In The Morning?
Used to be 9:00 weekdays, whenever I have to work weekends.
If You Could Play An Instrument?
Piccolo
Favorite Color?
silver
Do You Believe In An Afterlife?
no.
How Tall Are You?
5’5″
Current Favorite Word/Saying?
Mhmm.
Favorite Season?
Summer
Favorite Day?
Saturday
Where Would You Like To Go?
japan
What Is Your Career Going To Be Like?
Anything with computers.
How Many Kids Do You Want?
Two unless they come in sets.
Favorite Car?
My own.
February 7, 2004
*Slump*
Merf…I thought our friendship really meant more to her then that…I dunno. I guess I’m just disappointed that it seems like Dusty is just willing to let it die. I’m…I dunno. I think people expect far to much from me. I hate that people get upset at me for not using away messages when it is something that I’ve never bothered to do at all.
It just seems like she doesn’t even care anymore… she doesn’t care about Tsuki at all, even though it was the responsibilities she had first… I understand she’s a moderator at HPB but she was first an administrator at Tsuki and she made promisies to me she didn’t keep. Why does it matter if Allie is closer to me? Maybe she is because even though she thought I was closer to Dusty, she didn’t care. She was just happy to talk to me. It’s odd. I’m jealous of her sometimes because she lives close enough to me to visit me and Allie doesn’t.
Why do friends have to even care who is closer to who? Tab, Lith, Randy, Rando, Claire, Allie…all of them mean the world to me. Each one of them has helped shaped me into the person I have become and saved me more then once. There are times when their words are probably the only thing that kept me from being a manic depressive or something akin to that.
“I’m alive but I’m alone, but part of me is fighting this and part of me is gone…”
They all make up a part of me…and Dusty is a big piece…………………..