RAWRG!
I am going to stop letting people read my journal. One rule I’d always attached to it is that I hate how when people read it, they can react. It’s not fair. They get to see every little thing going on in my head and judge FROM THAT POINT.
So this time my journal lost me the only person I talk too these days. JUST FUCKING GREAT! I HATE YOU YOU GOD DAMN JOURNAL! IT’S NOT FAIR!
*slumps down and resists urge to cry while Jinx is here.* It’s not fair. I’m already lonely enough and he just FUCKING GOES AWAY! Now my next week to going to be GOD DAMN HELL! I HAVE ONE THING TO LOOK FORWARD TO, ONE!
I was FINALLY in a good mood. JUST ONCE IN THE LAST TWO FREAKIN WEEKS! And HE GOES AWAY FROM A WEEK!
…it’s moments like these that I was ot listen to the rock songs I have on my computer. But can I? NO BECAUSE JINX IS SLEEPING IN HER BED WITH HER GOD DAMN HUMAN TEDDY BEAR! Instead, I’m freezing my ass off with the AC Blasting, No lights, and no sound whatsoever. Frigging god damn people.
I hate you world. I hate you all.
It’s raining outside. And you know what? When I saw it, heard it, I smiled. It brings back memories of home when I could just close my eyes and hear the rain pattering away on the roof as I wen to sleep. Of moments when I was younger and I could hear my father showering getting ready for work.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s just so…sad. People look at me and assume that I have nothing better to do. Condemn me to my life at the laptop. And you know the funny part? For as much as I’ve complained about her, I miss Jinx. She’s just not even the same person anymore and if I didn’t know it was her, I’d wondered if it was even the same friend. I miss our late nights of anime watching and drives to the mall. It’s just really sad that even though she’s right in front of me, she’s never been farther away. I just don’t exist as anything more then a roommate to her anymore.
I know I’m waiting on September for the new term to meet new people. But that’s still a long way away.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just lonely. Everyone’s taken different paths and I’m just left here on mine wondering when I missed the turnoff. I just wish I’d stop being made to fell bad about myself. Like I’m a bad person for escaping to the reality in my computer. I wish Josh would stop making me feel like a bad person.
I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, but he does. Every time he’s like: blah blah blah about you being snippy…when I’m not. Am I really the horrid that even when I’m slightly happy, I’m mean?
He makes me feel trapped at times, and pressured and I hate that. I don’t like being cornered into something and I feel he’s slowly baking me into one.
I just really wish I had someone here someone physical I could talk to and take comfort from without having to feel guilty about it later.
I guess thats it for now.
I am drained. It’s just hard. I want so much for things to be the same as they were back home. I need someone to talk to, to know how I feel, to care without judging me. I need someone who isn’t going to read this and react personally. I need a friend.
Tab tries, I know she does but she’s not reachable. I can only talk to her online and I really need someone how I can call when I start feeling like I do right now when everything seems to be just… squishing me. When I get the strange moments were I just want to cry. And I miss my Allie…so much. So very much. Ok…not going to cry. Baaad Andi. Just I hate it. I hate being here with nobody to talk to. I hate that everyone I cared about barely every talks to me anyone. I hate that Jinx is abandoning me, that Allie is abandoning me. AND THEY ARE. People can try and tell me they aren’t and that it doesn’t matter BUT IT DOES GOD DAMMIT. I am a person who needs to talk to other people. I need that reassuring voice telling me it will all be ok because sometimes I wonder if it’s going to be. I hate how at some moments I’m perfectly fine and then the next everything slams down on me at once.
Jinx… I can deal with her. But I hate having to fear what I write in my own journal because I don’t know the people who read it well enough to know how they’re going to react. I hate how I can’t even write I’m upset with someone without them getting angry at me and making me feel guilty. I hate how I can’t scream that I hate what your making me feel without knowing I’ll lose you the rest of the way completely. I hate how I had to swallow my pride and everything I believe in, wallowing is apologies to make you talk to me again. I hate how easily you can just take yourself away from everything. I hate how everything is always me fault, I hate how you can just abandon me. And you are. You are you are you are. I hate how I can’t stay mad at you and I hate how your the only person that can make me cry without ever talking to me. I hate how you make me remember people who hurt people. I hate how I’m emotionally scared because of you. I hate you for getting past me. I hate you for making me think of you to this day. I hate how easy it was for you and I hate that you didn’t even care.
I hate how easily you all break your promises to me. You swore you wouldn’t leave me and you did! I’m here living in Chicago with nobody to talk to and I’m relying on a journal. I hate how easily people can just go say – meet new people! WELL I CAN’T. I’m shy and quiet and self conscious and I care what other people think. I hate how wishy washy I am. I hate myself. I hate that I make myself feel this way when in 10 minutes I know I’ll be perfectly fine.
When do I finally get to be happy? When do I finally get to stop worrying? When do I stop caring for people long gone? Why can’t I now?
I just feel so drained of everything in me.
I’m…
looking – There has to be someone here…right?
watching – Trying to find someone…anyone
wishing – You were already with me.
dreaming – Of you every night
wanting – You by my side
missing – You, even though I haven’t met you
trapped – In this city
alone – Without someone to comfort me
lonely – It’s starting to make me wonder…
free – For you to have me.
striving – To just make it a little longer
writing – Down everything I feel.
headstrong – Take me how you get me.
stubborn – Set in my ways.
angry – That I have to wait
depressed – Because I’ve waited so long
cynical – You’ll never get here
drained – This life is pulling me down
moody – Ups and downs
confused – As to why she can be happy
pessimistic – I’ll be alone forever.
worried – This is all true
lost… show me where you are…
I want to scream so bad.
I hate them. All people. People who give me hope and then betray it. No more. No more will I run a website that is neglected. I’d rather run a site that is barely needed to be maintained.
What can I say. I’m angry. I’m very angry. I moved and everyone seems to think that I’m a rather large scary monster and must be ignored. Even Tab’s reaction to myself have changed. Allie doesn’t even care. Maybe she does, but she has a funny way of showing it. Either way, there’s a great deal of questioning going on in my mind as to who is even my friend anymore. I’d rather not disillision myself with the thoughts that they are when they don’t even care.
Conversations with Tab are minimal at best. Allie barely ever talks to me. Claire always has to go.
Let me tell you something. If I was your friend and you were walking alone at night in a city you weren’t all that familiar with, I’m sure as hell I’d be talking to you. Oh wait – I did that for Allie already. I’m there for you whenever you need me but when I need you your gone. I hate how when you get involved with someone, your whole life revolves around them and people like me don’t even matter anymore. Usually I never try and upset you but you know what? It took you over 2 weeks to read my last entry and that was only because you needed to add me to your friends list, so why should I care? That’s right…maybe I don’t anymore.
I need all of you and not one of you are there for me. So maybe I won’t be anymore. I have another life around you all. Maybe it’s time to seek it out once again. I loved my websites long before you, and I will long after you. So… maybe I don’t need you to be there for me afterall. Maybe I’m finally begining to learn how to be there for myself.
Ever if you ever care enough read this, I don’t care. Leave me alone. I don’t need you anymore. Goodbye people.
