September 28, 2004

A single stanza

thought I missed what I didn’t
missed what I’d forgotten I’d had
twirling twirling, round and round
here I am, there I go.

September 16, 2004

Damn…

You have to be some godly kind of asshole to tell someone that the more you knew them, the less you liked them.

God…. fuck you Josh. Hey, I told you to never read my journal again, so if you do, I suppose I can not really feel guilty for saying exactly how I felt about you here.

I think your whiny, you complain, you put words in people’s mouths and that your a whimp. You can’t take any comments that someone says to you and you have absolutely no tact whatsoever. Your morals are more then slightly off and if you think that “choosing” a woman is ever going to get you a girlfriend, you will end up alone and single your entire life. Miserable and alone.

I think the reason so few people get close to you is because when they do, they have to tapdance around your emotions. You take *everything* the wrong way. You can’t handle people being even slightly angry at you, and when they are – they are forever too. When I was happy, you always found a way to bring me down, and then your last comments to me contain that you liked me better when you didn’t know me as well because I was happier. What if you knew you were the cause of that?

You did have a few good points. You were a good listener, and at times a good friend.

You also worked pretty damn hard to make sure your prediction of me came true.

Guess you got to that goal in life, huh?

September 2, 2004

Slump.

Herm. I agree with my last entry. The one only friends can read.

And Pookie. “you can be in a crowded room and feel most alone you ever have in your life.”

which is very much how I feel right now. The most important thing to me in my life is my support friends. I can’t take when I don’t have them. Things build up and I get really really depressed. Not even happy things make me smile and the ones that are there are fake. I’m happy Madelin is coming, really. I can’t wait to see her.

I just wish that other things like… my website… and the people with it weren’t drifting away with the tide. I know I’ve said it. I know people have said they weren’t drifting, but I’m not blind.

I miss feeling loved…like…really. Not the my parents love me kind, but when friends are there for you even when you’re wrong kind.

I’ll find it, one day I know. Just right now I’m drowning and there’s nobody there to save me. My lifeline took a hike for a week and I think it’s the worst thing that could’ve happened. Now I just feel pissed off and sad. I might not be in love with him, but Josh is still the one I talk too. I know you’re there Pookie but sometimes you’re just…not there.

I don’t like calling people anymore. They don’t answer or they don’t call back or get off the phone with me. I feel rejected. It sucks.

I don’t know. I’m so confused these days.

I’m lost, confused, trapped and alone.
This world is surrounding me, entrapping me,
and I’m looking to and fro.
Drowning and Suffocating, drained and despaired.

Please help me, find my misguided soul.
Show me the way out of this labrynth of melancholy
Lead my along roads better lit
and save me from the ghouls in my head.