April 25, 2005

Hmmm

Ok, so I can forgive Randy… when do I not?

But yeah, I think a lot of that down there was just me really needing to angst.

And since Holly/Peter/Daniel don’t read this, I suppose I could actually talk about the problem.

Holly likes Peter – Peter told Holly he doesn’t like her and -had- a -small- crush on me (he said this to me.) Andi kinda likes Peter.

I don’t want to like Peter… Holly really really liked Peter so I stepped back and yadda yadda…

I guess everything is pretty fine now. Peter said he’d never date one of his friends, I won’t date him because of Holly and Holly can’t date him because Peter doesn’t like her like that.

So we all got screwed. x.X

That however, doesn’t stop me from liking him a -little- more as I get to know him even when I don’t want to.

Must not flirt is my mantra.

-Andi

April 24, 2005

On a side note

Friends Only Kiddies, Gomen.

Friend me if you want in.

April 24, 2005

ANGST!

I realize that the only real times I post in my journal is to rant, rave, or be depressed, but yeah. That’s why it’s so great. I can bitch to it and nobody really cares because it means that I’m not bitching at them. And now, let us proach the topic of today’s rant.

The oxymoronic term of “online friends.”

They, to put it simply – don’t exist. An online friend, with rare exception will always be put second to your other needs. They’re great for when other people aren’t around, but hey – as soon as you have real friends they don’t matter anymore, right?

That was my recent discovery.

I’m really – really – fucking tired of being told that I’m someone’s best friend and then get pushed away later because something to big happens in their “real life” that they simply don’t bother anymore. I can give you lists of all the people who don’t bother with me anymore, or have had to many problems “offline”

Allie
Randy
Josh
Rando
Alyssa
Kodie
Tab
Laura

The single person who’s actually overcome this? Madelin. And even you and I dearie have gone through that, we just manage to still talk and stuff.

So… why didn’t I listen to myself a little while back when I said I was done with the whole online friends things? Why don’t I ever listen to myself when it comes to any of my problems?

The Holly-Peter-Me triangle is just a repeat of the Sarah-Jerry-Me triangle and I walked right into it again.

Why is it that I never manage to learn anything from my problems? I’ve done the whole back off thing, it doesn’t work!!! I’ve done the whole, confront them with the problem thing, guess what? IT STILL DOESN’T FUCKING WORK!!!!!

Every time I still manage to get hurt.

This is why I like being anti-social, and this is why I was almost (even I can admit that you can never be really content without friends) content when I had none.

Because… as many problems as I have, I still couldn’t handle losing Holly as a friend. It’s been so long since I’ve had a best friend… I just… want to be happy with it for a little while.

I’ve earned a little bit of happiness, haven’t I?

Mm. The life of your typical angsty teenager. Even if I only have another.. 4-5 months left as being one.

Mmmm. Angst. Happy note… happy note…

Let’s see, well technically I’m not actually depressed or anything believe it or not. I’m just angsty and annoyed. ^.^

So… yeah. I really can’t explain how I’m feeling right now other then angsty… I’m just a bit annoyed with people… and quite a bit of it is my own fault for letting myself walk into the same trap again. Actually… it’s really all my fault. I should know my now that these people aren’t going to keep their word about anything.

Hmm. Harsh. Rather harsh actually.

Life came. They acted on it.

I’m sure more then one of them would be telling me right now that life is more important then stupid people you talk to on the internet.

Oh well.

I’m tired of being told that it isn’t until something happens and they realize it is.

Rantess complete?

Maybe.

If not, I suppose I could just go write in my other journal…

There are days when I’m rather glad that everyone but M&M forgets that I post in this sucker. This is one of them. ^,^

Oh M – When is all your Grad stuff anyway?

- Andi

April 22, 2005

Wow, without my laptop I get really bored. It’s weird, my patience goes a lot faster on other people’s computers. Especially when I’m losing the war with ad-ware on the damn thing. I really rather wish I had an interesting book or two to read. Alas, I only have books I’ve read or discovered I don’t like. Damn. My video games are fair frustrating, especially when I’m getting one boss battle upon yet another. I just want plot, is that too much to ask?

Apparently it is.

April 21, 2005

Wow, it’s been a really long time since I used a journal that wasn’t online. Things have just been so confusing lately that I couldn’t see the harm in doing it. It was… bad enough to begin with I suppose. Anytime that two friends like the same guy, nothing good can happen. But I, being me, stepped back. After Sarah, I didn’t want any of that shit in my life. It just made me depressed and sad. Plus it was obvious that Holly liked him way more then I did. I didn’t even really know Peter. Then last week happened. Holly finds out that Peter doesn’t want her and is heart-broken. I felt so bad that night… really.Oddly however, this is sorta making me miss Brian, but it’s also dangerously putting grounds into liking Peter which is like… forbidden. I refuse to have a real true crush on him! It’s stupid and asking to get hurt. And if there’s anything I should’ve learned to avoid by now, it’s that.

On another note, I really am glad to be free of Lindsay. The stress I always had wih her I wouldn’t wish on anyone. She messaged me and all I could think of was – why? I don’t even keep her on my buddy list.

New thoughts – is it strange to feel left out? Holly’s always going over to Daniel and Peter’s to do her homework or other stuff… being hte only one not in Game Design really sucks sometimes. But sometimes, it isn’t as bad. I mean, for the first time in like… 3 years I have someone I could call a best friend. It’s weird, and I’m still getting used to that whole actually have someone to tell stuff to thing. I missed it. It’s funny really, how much of a difference talking can make. How much or how quickly I get lonely and sad amazes me once in awhile.

So I write. And write.
It does, on occasion even make me realize how little my parents know about me. Do they know my favorite colors? What I spend the most $$ on a week? What classes I like and hate most? No. They really don’t. In a competition about me, I think they’d lose. I find it odd that my Dad has more faith in me then my Mom. Dad knows I’ll never be able to leave the city, and Mom’s still thinking that I’ll come running home any minute. They’re wrong. (Especially Mom.) I love the city, even how it never really gets dark. Oddly, of all things, I feel safer here. Mentally because nobody cares and physically because they keep us behind one lock after another. I adore being able to look out my window and see so much.

And now, as Holly calls it, I’m done doing “that thinking thing.”

April 19, 2005

Oh so fun… I just had a whole ENTRY TYPED and it deleted itself. I hate internet explorer, popups and I have no backspace key. My laptop broke, I’m lonely for company, I screwed up my B for class, and things right now here are just… stressed.

Short version. Yey. Note that sarcasm.

I hate the world.

And people wonder why I’m anti-social. So many great reasons I could give. People suck, I don’t like them, insecure, bad things happen…

Fucking yey.

I want some salt n vineger chips.

-Andi

April 14, 2005

Squee!

Aww… I’m happy. I actually have a best friend who actually care again. ^.^

April 13, 2005

Tonight…

Tonight was rough… Holly and Peter were drunk and Holly was being how… Holly usually is while she is drunk and Peter kinda finally broke the news to her that it isn’t going to happen because he just wants to be friends. Holly is kinda… heartbroken and what’s worse was that whole… drunk thing so I need to do it again….

She’s so hurt and I hate it!!! I hate it when my friends are hurt and there’s nothing I can do about it.

And even though I made the decision to step back even before all that I’m still just…. Peter told me he *did* (and shamefully, I do wonder if he still does.) have a crush on me and he knows I did on him too.

I hate how life works.

April 12, 2005

Weird…

This was just so completely out of the blue that I felt the need to comment on it…

Lindsay msged me and was like… sorry about your guinea pig (Allie died the other day)

I was like… speechless for a good minute just staring at the window like.. wth… I haven’t talked to you in like 3 months. Why are you talking to me???

I’m still like… wha….?????