Hehe, Peter is an interesting critter really… it’s weird how I don’t flirt with him as much as I would otherwise cause he is a flirt. Heh. Hmm. So that whole don’t flirt back at him thing didn’t really last entirely so long… oh well. I’ll figure out something eventually. Bleh.
May 21, 2005
May 15, 2005
Finally.
I find it strange, but frequent that it si while watching a movie which I can barely relate to at all, gives me sudden moments of clarity that had been trying to make themselves known to me for quite some time. As of late, I have been rather unknowing trying to remember just who it was I was. Since when had I become this so significantly insecure girl? When did I ever let what anyone said about me bother me? And it was today that I realized, that none of it really mattered. When everything comes down to one point, I will still be the daughter of John and Vanessa Perruzzi. When I graduate, it won’t matter how many friends I had or how well I dressed. It will simply be that I graduated, and that will be more then enough for my parents.
What is it that defines me? At one point, it used to be my defiance, my indepenence, my strength in myself. But for so long I have let that part of me disappear as I wallowed in my own pity, as I, as a teeneger wailed about how nothing ever went my own way. The thing is, nothing ever will go my way if I do not choose to make it go that way. I will not stop people from walking all over me by continually allowing them to do so. Over the this weekend, I have been a great many things including depressed and angry. It is now that I realize that it doesn’t matter. When, have I, Andrea Perruzzi ever let the thoughts of a few people bother me so very much? I had decided that I was going to be depressed about all this, but now… now I’m not going to let it. Instead, I will simply walk past it. There will be other boys, boys who I don’t have to fight the girl who has become my best freind for. One boy is not worth losing the single best friend I have allowed in over these past few years since I felt so very betrayed by Sarah. Also, I have been bowing to Daniel’s complaints. Why? Why is what I am asking myself. If he does not like my actions then it’s really just too bad for him. I’ve never really liked Daniel and I know that in any other situation, I wouldn’t even have tolerated his kind of attitude towards me.
For the past few weeks as it was, I have allowed myself to be toyed with and strung along, a feat which I can barely stand to remember. I can only imagine the look my sister would give me if she knew I allowed that to happen. In fact, I can hear her adivse of saying I should kick his ass now. But I won’t. Instead, I’ll simply not let it bother me. When there is a cute boy, I won’t hesitate to flirt back.
I am, and always will be Andrea Lynn Perruzzi.
May 11, 2005
Ugh, I hate when things happen and I really have no control of things. It annoys the hell out of me. Blargh. Daniel really frustrates me. I’m beyond tired of always doing something wrong when it comes to him. With Peter… I’m just so tired of being toyed with. I’m at a point where either something needs to happen or nothing because I can’t stand to be strung along anymore. Holly’s preventing me from dating Peter even if I could, so when it comes to that boy, i really do just need to stop. It’d be so much easier for the both of us. Even if I really don’t want it to go that way. It doesn’t matter, Peter would never date me anyway. Keh. Meh. I guess I’m just back to hoping that I just meet somebody or myspace works out better then I’m figuring it will. And I still miss Brian. Stupid hindsight. It’s not fair, the world should’ve just told me that I could’ve saved myself a lot of time pain and sorrow from the start. Why would someone date me anyway? I’m horribly whiny and picky. I love being spoiled and cuddling. I’m expensive to shop for. -_- Meh. Holly will strangle me if she see’s me writing in this, but she’s the one who left me all alone! That’s a dangerous thing to do when all this stuff has been happening.
I’m really annoyed with Daniel though. I’m so fucking tired of him bitching about something I do. OMFG! I hit him with my pillow! The horror! God… shit the fuck up and stop whining bitch. I don’t really like you much anyway and I’d never deal with you if it wasn’t for Holly. Next time, say it to me so I can fucking tell you all out just what I think of you. You’re an embarrassment to be around with in public. Heh. Yeah I needed to do that.
My way of being hurt when Holly talks to Peter? Decide now that it doesn’t matter even though it really does. Because then I have that one protective layer on me at least… this is all just really far to much for me to handle, mainly because there is no way for me to “handle” it. I’m not used to wondering how someone felt about me, and I used to be so good at just not letting anyone through the wall of “mess with me and I’ll fucking kill you so hard that your death came multiple times.” And my mind just keeps wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just… push them all away again before they can hurt me. Which… I really might do… it would save Holly from having to watch and me from getting to that point again. I wouldn’t have to deal with any of the shit boys keep dishing out either. God I don’t want too… I like being happy but it just lets in so much of everything else right now along with it. I just… it’s so not fair that Holly has those feelings for Peter and then all this happens. And I thought I didn’t like Peter as much until I… thought about it. Please… please just don’t hurt me badly this time world. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take before I just break again. The ice is so thin right now…
May 11, 2005
Hmm…
Today was a pretty normal day other then I skipped my classes… oh well. I’ll live. Peter and Daniel were over again and Holly got totally smashed on alcohol (the rest from Thursday) and thought of *something* that’s making her wonder if I’m mad at her and me wonder if it’s vice versa… I know there’s something bothering her, I can tell by now.
I’m just wondering what it is. I’d ask, but there’s a slight problem to that in people are trying to sleep (namely, Holly and Peter since Daniel went home cause he had to get up in the morning unlike the rest of us.).
Which means I have to wait until Holly gets out of work tomorrow. Damn I hate being patient for anything.
I’m kinda bored, kinda tired, and kinda awake, ye know? Normally I’d just read… or write, but the lights are all off for once in our lives and I don’t feel much up to writing on my laptop other then in here.
On another note, I’m still iffy on this haircut that I just got. It’s a bit shorter then I woud’ve wanted but I’m handling it and just calling it my summer haircut.
Back to other notes, when it comes to somethings, I think I just see the line where I’m supposed to stop, and yet I continue to cross it anyway. Damn me. My little brain is still so damn confused on what’s right, what’s wrong and when I should do things and when I shouldn’t….
BLARGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
That’s what I have to say about that ye know.
At least I don’t have class tomorrow. As in, I’m not even supposed to have it and am just opting not to go.
Meh. I wish I didn’t scream so loudly when people did things like bite me, but that hurt dammit!! I really didn’t expect Holly to just out and bite me. It was in pain and shock I’m claiming.
So what if I scream like a girl. I AM A GIRL YOU DAMN PEOPLE!!!!
I’m thinking more and more that like Holly believes, people need to just really stop thinking. Thinking hasn’t been making anything better lately for any of us. So when given the chance to think… DENY DENY DENY!!! It only makes you depressed, angry and sad. Unfortunatly, it doesn’t leave me resolute. Well, it does at the time and then I end up doing things anyway.
Either I need to just stop thinking, or I need to start listening to the things I think. I really do believe that that is an entirely reasonable request.
Honestly.
May 7, 2005
Ok…
Well, since this entry is *private* I can actually say things…
There are moments I have come to realize in your life when things can take a different turn drastically.
Last night was one of those moments.
First, I probably drank way more then I usually do. 2 Shots of Jose Quervo, Some Orange Juice/Vodka/Jose, OJ/Jose, Code Red/Jose and a bit of Peter’s Pepsi/Vodka/Jose.
Second, I also did more… far more… yeah…
That whole skipping bases thing… yeah. I mean, it’s great and all, and a bit terrifying. I had… no idea what I was doing, and my roommate who had been in love with the boy I was making out with was in her bed next to me. Granted, she had Mike with her and they weren’t be exactly innocent… but… yeah…
I was like… freaking out in a few ways… plus, I have no idea what this means between Peter and I… Blarrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Maybe the fact that I completely didn’t expect that didn’t help…
So… confuuussseedddd!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!!
But yeah. First Peter tells me he *did* have a small crush on me, (and I’ve come to realize, he really *doesn’t* like it when I hit on other guys in front of him…), to being like… god… I was saying something about hitting on other people, and he said you can’t cause you’re mine, which I replied with only if that makes you mine and he said ok.
Then all that happened.
And then we woke up today and I had to go shower and by the time I got out, Peter was gone and I had to leave for my flight.
This naturally, confuses the hell out of me, because the action itself is Peter-like. He never stays after he wakes up and he did say he had to go early. Plus I don’t think he was getting much sleep since I was being figity since I was wide awake….
I just don’t know if last night was… a start, an event which occured because we’d been drinking (even though I’m pretty sure Peter was about as sober as I was, which was pretty damn sober. Especially by like… 4…)
And now I’m in Maine.
Did I mention the hickeys? Yep. 2 of them. On my neck. Bastard, I have to wear sweatshirts to cover the higher one. (Damn it, those get hot right now!)
Peter’s evil. He knew what he was doing to me too… “Well, at least now you’ll have something to think about on the flight.” were his exact words.
I have…like 75/25 faith in that what happened last night wasn’t due to drinking. First, Holly’s literally thrown herself on and at Peter while they were both drunk before and nothing happened. Plus, like I said, I was sober-ish and Peter really didn’t seem all that drunk. My only doubts are in that we *had* been drinking obviously, and that he’s slept with someone (third with me remember) before while they were both drunk. But tension before that and all…
Altogether, it really just leaves me completely confused and wondering what the hell it means for me in the future.
I shouldn’t even get into like… the fact that I probably can’t kiss or anything… God dammit, I was nervous and hadn’t expected that!!!
And to think, I wanted more interesting things to happen in my life.
Guess I got that wish.
Not to mention that I had told Holly I wouldn’t do anything with Peter unless she was happy with someone… god… need to talk to her about that….
Peter better have at least one hickey.