July 24, 2005

Ok, so I think I’ll be able to handle… whatever happens so long as I can manage to contain my jealousy… honestly, I’m amazed I fell for Peter in the first place when we do so little together as friends. I keep screwing up and talking to Holly even after I decided it would be better probably for both our sakes if I didn’t. It will be good for me to move on from Peter anyway, and not because of everything. I need someone who I know I can always talk too, and while I know that as I friend he would be but I want the kind of freedom like Holly has with him that I just don’t. It gives me a sad smile to know that I’m not jealous of Holly but that she has that with Peter and we never reached that point. I know a part of me is furious that I’m just giving up on someone I felt so strongly for yet again that it’s causing me to be angry and off balance. I have a sort of post-humorous anger at Peter too that while he probably deserves it, I know he didn’t intentionally do what he did.

I don’t think anyone, let alone me wants to think of heartbreak… it hurts. It hurts so much to just deny everything, to know how quickly everything ended between him and I before it really began and how obvious it is to even Holly that things changed. I want so much to say that mine did too, and I know they did… just not the way I’m letting anyone think. Over the vacation, I missed Peter. A lot. And I made so many choices that were so easily crushed. The backwash of this has me rebounding to denial. Denial so that at least someone comes out of this for the better, even if it means I die a little for it. I’m sorry, so sorry for all the pain I caused. If I had just denied this all in the first place, it never would’ve happened. So now, now at least I will to everyone but Randy and you my little journal because I know that neither of you can hurt me like I have myself.

I’M SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 21, 2005

I really just spent all day lazing around and reading fanfics and watching… well, playing FMA. Then I talked to Randy for four hours on the phone which was actually rather nice considering it gave us both a chance to just vent and talk and see what the other thought about everything going on in the other person’s life, once again causing us to realize just how similar we are. I’m ecstatically happy that Josh is coming in just under a month because it will be a lot of fun and nice to have someone there who’s just my friend. Nothing else for me to really talk about.

July 20, 2005

Right now I feel like I’m trapped between two worlds. And I know I’m wavering toward one more then the other. I could not verbily like Peter any more. I could pretend that nothing bothers me when it happens and act like I’ve gotten over him. I’m just so tired of always being the bad one, the bitch that lately it’s been even easier to be one. I’m so tired of being alone that I really just want to be alone.l Right now I don’t know how to act around Peter, what I should expect from him or anything, I’m tired of always being Holly’s scapegoat. I make mistake in my life, I’m sorry. And Daniel just bugs me like always. Sometimes… it’s so frustrating when Holly gets all angst! because she has so many people actually there for her. She has the three of us here and everyone when she foes home and I wonder if she’s just blind to how lucky she can be. I’m tired of all this… jealousy and envy I get all the time. I’m tired of always watching their movies and getting mocked for mine. I’m just… so tired of trusting Holly so much when it’s obvious I shouldn’t. I just want to be happy. And if right now that means… living in denial, then I will. Someday I will find someone who understands me and who I don’t always 2nd guess. I miss the kind of friendship I had with Brian and Sarah and the days when I was energetic and wild. So to do that, I’ll deny everything. And when those stabs of envy and pain come because he’s so much closer to Holly then me… I will ignore them. I can handle it… just… please don’t make me suffer. I don’t want to know if he no longer has any feelings for me because then I would hear the answer which would break me either way.

July 8, 2005

Sleepy.

I went shopping today. I realize that I need to fill my journal in on the lost few things I’ve written and backdate them so it stops looking like I didn’t think for a few days. I did, I was just way too lazy to type at the moments and felt like writing with a pen instead. And right now, my glasses have worn my eyes out so much that I’m actually tired at one in the morning which has got to be the first time that’s true in more months then I can remember. I’m so going to sleep in a second.

July 6, 2005

poems

I am a poem without a name.

July 6, 2005

Wow.

My mother watched anime with me for the first time in my life. And she wasn’t just doing it because it was there… I was watching it on my laptop. She actually took an interest in something I was doing and then refused to let me watch the episodes without her. I can honestly say that’s the first time in my memory she didn’t just humor me. That’s actually the second time this week she’s actually *looked* at what I was watching and not just passed it off as cartoons. She watched Dave the Barbarian with me too and actually liked it. It was… nice.

July 6, 2005

It’s been a few days since I made an actual entry in here even though I’ve been writing stuff anyway, just on paper. I’ll go back and type / backdate them later since I probably won’t have anything better to do anyway.

I’ve just been going over things and dazing really the whole time. I talked about things with my sister and she of course said pretty much what I expected her to -Yeah, Holly’s going to get hurt, and it may seem like the end of the world at the moment but it really won’t be. She needs to grow up.

Which is harsh, but I agree with it mostly. No matter what happens or how really if Peter and I ever get together it’s probably going to hurt Holly. I don’t want to, but I know I will. I already am hurting her and I really haven’t even done anything yet. She’s got me pinned down as a guilty bitch for even so much as liking Peter when she did. All in all, most of the time Peter and I are just flirting and I just love how she expects me to be able to handle her flirting with him but not from me. This is stuff I’ve said before, but really – it’s still true.

July 2, 2005

Oww.

Oww. I burned myself today. And I got my major haircut/dye yesterday. I don’t have long hair anymore, it’s seriously freaky. I like the cut and stuff most of the time, but the lack of having hair is like… o.O! I think I might have Shauna do something with my bangs though…

Ok. I’ve never really done my thinking while typing, I’ve always done the thinking before typing so I suppose this will just be a bit Catcher and the Rye and just write it down as it comes.

1. I hate Holly. I adore Holly.

There are moments when Holly makes me want to scream. When I wonder if more of this is just about her refusing to have someone else get the guy then it is about Peter. If it’s all more about her refusing to lose this “game” she thinks is going on. I know she does have some feelings for Peter, and I know that she’s hiding them more now, but there’s also days when I don’t wonder if she just really is getting over him. Because she can certainly do things like sleep with guys and mock Peter about sleeping with people and I know I couldn’t. Maybe because it’s more… there with me and Peter, I don’t know. It just is.

There are also moments when I would do just about anything for Holly. On almost anything other then Peter, we get along great. I love living with her and everything else. I like how most of the time I can just tell her what’s going on, and she listens to that. I told her that I need to feel invited places, and she actually does it. She puts up with a lot from me, and for the most part she just handles it and I respect her a lot for that.

I trust Holly, and I don’t.

I think the biggest thing that’s hurting me right now, is that I don’t know if I can trust Holly or not. I thought I could and everything, but I don’t know if she always tells me the truth or not about what Peter says to her. On the same matter however, I don’t always trust that Peter’s telling me one thing and isn’t saying something completely different to her. However, there’s also the matter where Holly doesn’t trust me – at all, and that really hurts. It hurts because I spent so much time hurting because I was purely trying to not hurt her. It hurts because no matter how hard I tried to show Holly she could trust me, she still doesn’t. How I went to all lengths, and most of the time still do just to prove to her that I could trust her and would do anything to avoid hurting her. That sucks. A lot. And because she doesn’t trust me if makes me wonder if I can really trust her either. She’s told me so many times that if push came to shove she would probably do something that she’d regret either. Because she yells at me for lying to her and then lies to me. That’s really not cool and I don’t tolerate that kind of shit.

I’m afraid to love.

I’m really not sure why, but I think it has a good deal to do with the idea that I’m afraid to get hurt. Because so many times it seems to be that if you fall, you get hurt in the end. I get hurt enough sometimes and having loved the person would just make it so many times worse. I’m so afraid to trust anymore that I’m so much more protective when it comes to trusting my heart to anyone.

I trust Peter more then I have any other guy, and yet a lot less at the same time.

I trusted Peter when it came to my firsts of a lot of things, and like I mentioned before probably, I have no idea why. I know I trust him less then I did Brian. With Brian, I knew that what he was telling me was true, because I knew that at least at the time, he would’ve died before hurting me. I’m not so sure about that with Peter. I know a lot of it right now has to do with that we can’t be open about anything. Or at least, he’s not doing it. Everyone knows that I like Peter. Nobody but me knows that he likes me. Holly knows slightly that Peter said something to me but I’ve never reassured her about what. Again, with Brian I knew I could talk to him about just about anything, but with Peter I’m always wondering if he’d actually talk to me about it. Sometimes I feel guilty for not trusting him – he’s always told me the right things and given the right signs for sure, but still. There’s that niggling fact that he hasn’t told Holly that he likes me. Maybe because it’s because he’s afraid to hurt her, but still.

I also know that I don’t trust him some because I have no idea what Peter and I really are. Are we technically still friends that just happen to do some shit together and know the like each other? Are we single but taken? Friends with benefits? It’s sad little things like these that give me my insecurities and without Randy I really have nobody to talk to about it and he’s been missing from my life for the last few weeks. I obviously can’t talk to Holly about shit anymore because if some thing’s bothering me enough with her that I wonder if I can trust her, then maybe I shouldn’t anymore. She doesn’t really tell me anything either, so what’s the point?

I want to have the satisfaction of knowing that while he’s in Joliet right now and every weekend, that he’s not off with some girl. I want to *at least* feel like I stand well enough with him that I even deserve to want that of him. Maybe it’s more that I just want *something* with Peter and not this… when we get drinking we do shit idea. I want to feel more like he’s choosing me specifically then that i just happen to be the best person around at the time when he’s feeling horny.

Once in awhile, he does say things that make me feel at least as if I don’t have to worry. The line where he said that he had someone back in Chicago to chicks hitting on him, that he always uses me as his girlfriend in situations when he needs one, that he’s going to be single just as long as I am. That he gets just as confused as the rest of us.

I’m still pretty sure that when I go back, I’m either going to sit down and have a conversation with both Holly and Peter, or I’m simply going to step back from both of them. I’m not going to treat Holly as if she’s my best friend and I’ll cool things off with Peter. Which will be hard in both cases because Holly’s very easy to trust and Peter’s very nice to snuggle with.

July 1, 2005

I don’t really understand why some moments I’m fine, and then I get splashes of just feeling as if every thing’s going to fall apart for no reason. It’s not for having talked to someone or done anything, it’s just suddenly there. I know some of it has to do with being in Maine at least. I’m fine during the day but the later and later it gets in the day the more I feel alone. I realize it’s vacation so everyone’s off doing their own thing but it really sucks when night after night I’m just… here as if by myself entirely. I haven’t even talked to Randy in forever and since I’m not at home my chances to talk to Holly are sporadic at best and for an hour at longest. I just need someone to have a good long conversation with but everyone’s… gone. And now Josh is gone so I won’t even have him to talk to until… Wednesday I think he said so it’s complete boredom. I want to go home. 9 more days.