I completely broke down the other night. And you know what I got told by Peter? “You should have waited until Josh had gone home.” You know what Peter? FUCK YOU!!!!!! I’m sorry, if I was mentally unstable enough to have a complete breakdown while Josh was here but it’s not really something I could control. God… I got friggin yelled at because *I* had to get outside. Because I couldn’t handle Peter and Daniel when they came over here because I needed just Josh, someone to talk to.

Dammit. I’m not even in the mood to hash out what happened. All I can say is that my mind had pretty much been cracked ice lately and someone finally threw the rock that caused it to break. I’m still breaking apart right now. You know, at least my birthday went over well. I got 5 gazillion Happy Birthdays from the people important to me, and that made me really really happy. My birthday has always been the like.. most important day of the year to me, so that so many people actually card and remembered, was something that even right now manages to cheer me up some. It makes me want to listen to my voice mails again because I know more people called me last Sunday then in the last like… 3 weeks combined. Damn, even Sprinkles and Sara Bretton remembered it was my birthday!! And Randy made a last-minute appearance at 2am and got to see me. That made my friggin month.

The last few days have been such a roller coaster. I’ve been having a lot of fun with Josh but at the same time I’ve been like dead and drained from the breaking and fighting with the boys. Holly’s like… going home next weekend or something which is probably good for both of us. I’ll get some time to myself which I’ve been seriously needing. As it is, I need to talk to Randy today to just vent out and get out everything that’s been bothering me lately. I’m not ever sure where I want to go with my life right now, it’s that serious. I know that Holly’s my best friend and everything, and she’ll make up with the boys a lot faster then I will. Or maybe it’s more that I don’t *want* to make up with the boys. Honestly, I think the best thing for me right now would just be some time where I didn’t have to deal with them at all and I know that I’m not going to get that here. The guys have managed to shake my resolutions again, managed to make it so that I wondered if dealing with people on a regular basis was a great idea. It just seems that whenever something happens they forget how hard it is that I’m already trying to change and try to throw another set of things at me to do then too.

It just feels like all my friends expect me to do is change everything that makes me, me. All the things I stand for, all the things that yeah, I screw up on and the things I have a tendency to do when I get upset and sad. It’s so hard because everything I do when I get scared they attack as well. It’s like, no matter what I do I’m getting attacked from all sides of me at once, and it’s so not fair. I’m always expected to remember that I’m the least important person to them and that before I let something bother me I need to make sure everything else is ok first. Sometimes it just seems like they’re concerned with making sure Holly’s ok before anything else. I was breaking down, but I’m supposed to make sure that Holly’s ok because she went looking for me.

You know what, I did. I asked Josh to make sure that Holly was ok as soon as I got somewhat of a grip over my emotions. I knew that me breaking and not being able to talk to Holly hurt her and I felt horrible for doing it while I did. I’m always more concerned for her well-being over mine, but as soon as I need to actually take care of something that’s about me, I get yelled at for it. I apologized more to Josh in the last few days then I think I’ve apologized in my entire life.

And you know what else they did? And they being Peter and Holly right now. They fucking drugged mine and Josh’s drinks. It doesn’t fucking matter that it was like… 99 cent libido crap. The point is, they fucking put something in my drink and the only reason I found out was because I poured half my drink into Josh’s and then for some reason I think I poured my half into another cup and I found the undissolved pill at the bottom. WHAT THE FUCK???!!! That’s not friggin funny. All I’d been hearing for the last few weeks was crap about things and it’s fucking ridiculous. I’ll do what I want when I want to with who I want to. I don’t fucking need peer pressure about shit. I’m sorry if I want it to be more then a one-night stand. I apologize for having god-damn morals.