October 31, 2005

Saved by fantasy

This weekend has gone a long way to restoring more of the sanity I so desperately needed. For a few days it was just… me. There was nothing else going on at all and nothing else mattered other then the next page in my book. There was no Holly, no Peter… for the most part, there wasn’t even friends. There was no happiness, pain or sorrow other then the ones written on pages by people who never existed in anything but a wonderful story. Whenever things are bothered me I will always know that if given the chance, one day and one book can make all my problems go away. I can just hide away in that world of magic and fantasy and that is and what always will be what fantasy does to me. It’s been my oldest friend since as long as I can remember fantasy books have brought me happiness, from my mother reading me stories, to the first book I read alone, to the days in elementary school when nobody liked me, to middle and high school when it was my escape from my world’s troubles… to bringing me Harry Potter and all the wonderful people those books have given me including the best friend I’ve ever had and the father who I thought I’d lost when I gave up sports.

And right now as I sit here on my bed… it’s like a glimpse of that feeling I got while I was in Maine this summer. When I knew that no matter how bad things would get, that everything would eventually be ok. That I could handle everything the world threw at me because I’ve always had the resolution that “After every time the sun sets it rises once more the next day”. I will be… ok. I will know that even when my world comes crashing down, I have people there for me. Even now my sister is practically begging me to transfer closer to home because she misses me veiled under reminders of how much cheaper it would be for me. I know I’m loved.

And this is what I knew I needed, why Holly leaving didn’t bother me because I knew we were growing further apart, because I knew that while Holly doesn’t trust me with Peter, I know I can never really trust her with anything ever again. All telling her my secrets has ever brought me was sadness and pain, because Holly truly can’t handle being there for me when she can barely be there for herself sometimes. And you know… that’s ok. Because… I can handle it. I know that even my my head cries out that it’s alone and in pain… I have friends, maybe not here in Chicago, but in California, in Washington, in Texas, in Maine, Connecticut and other parts of Illinois. And I have my family who will always always be there when my times get rough, waiting to tell me the words of “you’re right, and she’s not” when I needed to hear them.

So… I may continue to think about leaving Chicago.

October 31, 2005

OMG

OMG HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

(Woot I love Queing things…)

October 29, 2005

“These are the Confessions of a Broken Heart”

Confessions of a Broken Heart

October 29, 2005

Suck.

So yes, in truth I am a bit glad to have a weekend alone. It’s giving me a chance to just… real in about everything that’s happened over the past week or so. God it’s been absolutely crazy.

I forgave her because she needed it, because I was terrified because I was scared I’d lose her forever. A part of me is furious that I can’t even ever be mad at Holly without something happening that I’m forced to forgive her. For us talking again and no longer giving me the excuse to just leave here.

I want to leave… god do I…

crap.

October 28, 2005

Words I’ll never say.

To Holly:

Whatever you read in the next few seconds, to forewarn you before you get to everything else, no I have not done anything.

Because I can type and tell you every single thing I’ll never be able to say aloud. I miss my family. You know this. But do you know how much I really want to go closer to home? How close I really was to transferring that other day? How the thoughts of it still linger?

I am, believe it or not, am terrified of normality. The day that I fall into the go to work, come home, sleep, repeat will be the day a part of me dies. It’s one of my greatest fears – being like everyone else. I am creature of change, and as such, this lifestyle is draining me. Honestly, I don’t even know what it is I’m looking for. All I know is that whatever it is, is calling for me.

The irony of the words “I’m not perfect like everyone else” lingers in my ears. Because over time, do you know how envious I’ve been of you? How jealous? For a short period of time, I had the one thing you wanted. But you’ve had everything I wanted for a long long time. Friends who are there for you no matter how long it’s been since you’ve talked to them.

One of the biggest reasons why I didn’t want to tell you I still had feelings for Peter is because I don’t want them, I’ll be honest. In some ways, I’m terrified of Peter because of how easily he could and has, hurt me. I was, and still am trying to get over him. Because I sincerely doubt he has any feelings for me at all, half the time we’re barely friends. I barely ever talk to him on AIM, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve done something with just him, and he has this whole other world of friends that I’ll never be able to see. Because of the line – “We never would’ve worked out.” or that I was just a convienence because of words he told me have been contradicted so many times that I wonder if they were just a dream I made up, even if I know the day happened.

And through this all, every time I’ve wanted to leave, I can’t. Because you’ve been the closest person to me in all my life. Which is probably why the fact that you’ll never forgive me, never trust me is killing me.

Because I lie to you because I’m trying not to hurt you. Because I trust you even though I don’t.

You’ve done so many things that I shouldn’t forgive you for. Yet I do.

-End

To Peter:

I don’t even know what to type. There’s parts of me that wanted to write “I’m in love with you.” but I was afraid. Because I am afraid. Because you’ve hurt me so incredibly much and I don’t think anyone but Randy really knows how much. How you broke me when you asked me if I thought we’d ever work out and I had no choice but to lie, how quickly you ended things, how everything only ever took place while we were drinking. Because everything you’ve ever done that made me happy at one point has also made me cry at another.

And through it all, I damnably still want nothing more then for you to have the same feelings for me that I do for you. Because even though this entry will be put under private and nobody will ever see it but me, I still want to erase every word because it’s the truth. Because I can wake up in the morning and wonder if I’ll see you today, because I get infernally jealous of Holly’s friendship with you.

I hate my feelings. I hate them because I can’t help them or make them go away, because even when I get pissed off and want to ask you what the hell was going on, I can’t because I’m terrified of the answer. I hate them because they cause Holly pain and I hate them because you don’t feel the same way.

Questions:

Peter: Was I a convienence or not?
Peter: Why did you tell me you had feelings for me?
Peter: When did it end? Why?
Holly: Have you ever lied to me about something involving Peter?
Allie: Why did you cut me out of your life?
Daniel: Why are you so determined to end Holly’s friendship with me?
Brian: What would you have said that night?

October 26, 2005

Hmm…

I’m still trying to finish the exact look that I like for my journal. Although I’d say I’m doing a pretty decent job of it.

October 24, 2005

I’m suffocating slowly and drowning quickly.

I’m going stir crazy in the room with us not talking, but I’m tired of her shit. I’m tired of her blaming me for everything that goes wrong in her life, I’m tired of being expected to make up for everyone else’s mistakes. That’s beyond unfair, it’s impossible.

She’s never going to forgive me for my actions in the past when she so easily forgives Peter. It’s bullshit. I talked to her about it, and she wouldn’t even apologize. She’s been lying to me for months and she couldn’t even apologize about it.

She’s also the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever met. How dare she be pissy because I intentionally posted myspace entires that she couldn’t see when she still FUCKING PLAYS THE SONG HOME WRECKER!

-_- She plays every song she can think of that involves one person fucking up someone else’s life and blames it all on me.

I’m the devil because I dare have the same feelings for someone as her.

And I don’t think I can forgive her until she at least apologizes for lying to me.

She never even denied that she wishes Peter and I weren’t friends. That she’d be happy if we never talked again.

And I’m beginning to hate her for that. What kind of friend would do that? Would essentially make me choose between them when all Peter and I are and probably will be is friends?

I don’t even have words for how much she’s hurt me lately.

I want to leave. I want to transfer schools, I want to get away from here as fast as I can. I just don’t want to be here anymore, with her looking at me like I ripped her heart out and crushed it to death. She pretty much quite literally painted a picture of it. No. I’m not kidding.

I pretty much have the choice of hurting her or hurting me, and usually I end up hurting Holly anyway and thus myself when she makes me feel like crap for doing it. If there’s anything Holly can do well… it’s drag other people down with her. I keep expecting Daniel and Peter to stop and realize that they’re not agreeing with her for once and start blaming me too.

October 24, 2005

I’m like… choking and suffocating right now. I feel like I can’t breath, like I’m about to break down and cry at any moment. I just… don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost, so confused, so hurt…

Saying she wouldn’t change was like saying she didn’t care… I’m just so tired of hurting everyone, mainly me and Holly but it just doesn’t seem like there’s anything I can do about it anymore.

Everything I do just makes it worse, and all I want is to be happy. I’m so tired of being guilty, I can’t go back there mentally, I’ll go insane.

October 23, 2005

Hohum…

Alright, so I figured I’d sit down and write up why it really was that I’m angry at Holly, yet… relieved.

Heh. So Peter told me again today that he has no interest in Holly, which makes me overall feel a lot better.

But anyway, he asked what’s going on and telling someone else made me feel better so I’d figured I’d do it again.

I’m upset that Holly lied to me about trusting me.
I’m pissed off that Holly doesn’t trust Peter and I, we’re friends, she should be able to have faith that Peter and I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt her like that. (I say like that because we rather evilly planned to go do something together just to piss her off because it would make her jealous.)
I’m angry that she felt the need to cut class early because she was jealous that Peter and I were going to get dinner while waiting for her.
I’m also upset that she blamed me for her being emo.
I’m pissed that she’s a hypocrite about clothing. If she can call mine slutty, I can tell her that she dresses like a man.
I’m extremely pissed that she has no idea why I’m mad at her.
I’m tired as hell of walking on tippy toes around her when Peter’s made it obvious that he has no feelings for her.
I’m annoyed that I ever had to do it in the first place.
I’m pissed that it’s obvious she’d rather Peter and I weren’t even friends at all.

October 23, 2005

ninja-like snatch from peter

ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with?
holly

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Scythe. Hands down. It’s a staff and perfect for beheading.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
Probably.

4. How about of the same sex?
Probably.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Holly

6. What is your pet peeve?
Hypocrites.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I grudge horribly.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you’re supposed to do daily that you have not done in a long time?
I dunno. I showered, brushed my teeth… I didn’t shave but I did yesterday… hmm… dunno.

2. What is the latest you’ve ever woken up?
6:30

3. Name a person you’ve been meaning to contact, but haven’t?
Brian, Allie

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
I was just working on my livejournal.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Yep.

6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?
Hahahaa…. I have no idea. I take the stairs instead of escalators, that’s the most you get from me.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Alarm clocks? Who the hell uses alarms clocks on a weekend? I HATE ALARM CLOCKS! So… 0. ^.^
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Orange apeel from Jamba Juice

2. Meat eaters:
Chicken since Holly won’t eat anything else normal. -_-

3. Do you eat the skin off of chicken?
Eww.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
HA. NEVERRRR!!! I WILL NEVER GIVE INNNNNNN!

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
If I’m over 140, I freak and only eat one meal a day or so. So… sometimes.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
No spicy as in hot, but spicy as in seasonings yes.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house, pet or child and thought, lunch?
Yes. Heh… seriously. Omg I was so hungry that day though…

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?
Uhmm… 0. I’m sad and pathetic.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?
I don’t think anyone… not entirely naked, that’s the trick.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
*snickers and falls over… Peter so answered this wrong..* But yeah umm… I was reading chests once if that counts.

4. Have you “done it”?
No. :(

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Eyes… and maybe asses.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Nope.

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
Nope.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?
0.

2. What’s your guilty pleasure store?
Hmm… Borders…

3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?
Get an apartment, pay my college bills, buy a hell of a lot of books… get a car… buy my house from my parents… lots of things.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Famous

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
Probably.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Hmm… I don’t think so unless you count piracy.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Something like 300.

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you’re most proud of?
Got to college and away from Maine.

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Same as the above.

3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life?
Be known for something I did.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Hell yeah. I don’t like losing at anything unless I know I suck at it.

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Yep. Probably would whenever I could get away with it too.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Haha, omg, I’m so terrible. I cheat in games in little ways constantly just to see if I can get away with it. ONLY IN GAMES. -_- ((My head is so thinking of Peter and his statement that everyone cheats as I say this.))

7. What did you do today that you’re proud of?
Finished my livejournal, and been justified.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends’ would you most want to have for your own?
Peter’s apartment, Holly’s TV

2. Who would you want to go on “Trading Spaces” with?
Peter. I want his apartment. All of it.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
My sister is the first person who came to mind, because she’s finally happy.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
No. -_-

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Yep.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
…Did Peter seriously just answer this with good looks? Omg.. Anyway, hmm.. the ability to not break out. I suppose overall, I rather like myself.

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