January 30, 2006

Honestly, I have no fucken clue what the hell is going on right now. If everyone’s just being PMS pissy or what… Holly’s been keeping things from me for awhile now and yet she gets angry at me when I keep things from her. She’s acting fine one minute and the next she’s acting like I kept the entire idea that I had feelings for Peter a secret. I didn’t. I told her I still had feelings for him before. And then when it comes to Peter I don’t know either. Like I said in an earlier entry, at one point I thought that he and I were just friends, but lately he’s been acting otherwise and I just… don’t know. What I do know though is that if I get involved with him again, it isn’t going to be halfway, and I mean relationship wise. I refuse to set myself up again for that kind of crap. I’m just confused because I thought I knew about everything that was up right now and suddenly… it’s just like I don’t. Like everything I thought I knew is backwards of what it really is.

And I really don’t want to have to choose. Because Holly’s blatently told me that if I get involved with Peter, I would be making the choice between him and her… and that just.. I don’t want to lose either of them. It’s selfish and I really don’t care. Holly’s my best friend and Peter… he’s… you know. I don’t know what I’d do without either of them, and I’m afraid that the day is going to come where I’ll have to learn.

Honestly.. I don’t even know why I tag my journal entries anymore, cause they’re all usually involving Peter.

I’m pathetic.

I just want answers… for so long.. all I’ve wanted is answers to my questions. I hate life and it’s never ending supply of questions.

January 29, 2006

Wah~

[01:42] Peter: you are andi
[01:42] Peter: and you shall be MINE!!!
[01:43] Me: o.O
[01:43] Me: I didn’t know I could be claimed. :P
[01:43] Peter: i got dibs
[01:43] Me: mmm… and why is that?
[01:43] Peter: okay well you know when there is liek acupcake in front of people right
[01:43] Me: mm..
[01:44] Peter: and if a person licks it they get dibs cause they owned it
[01:44] Peter: well i licked you hence…dibs
[01:44] Peter: lol
[01:44] Me: x.X
[01:44] Peter: hahaha
[01:44] Me: :P Last I knew you gave up your dibs on me.
[01:44] Peter: deal with it
[01:44] Peter: i owns you

I’ll comment on this later.

January 27, 2006

Hmm~

Have you ever tried to convince yourself of something you don’t want to believe? That as much as you try to put if off, there’s a part of you saying otherwise no matter how many time you try and just pass it off? That’s like what I’m going through right now. Like no matter how many times I try and convince myself that’s it’s nothing, at the same time I want to believe it’s not. So I really don’t know what to do… or think. I’ve been wanting to write in my livejournal for days even though at the same time, I know there really isn’t anything to say that I haven’t already.

I guess I’m just going to keep convincing myself that it’s nothing… I mean, it’s easier for me then hoping it’s not, isn’t it? Hopes… when it comes to hopes and that I have none. I can’t, cause every time I do, I just get let down. It’s so strange, that I’m almost hoping for nothing… because the last time there wasn’t I got hurt anyway and I just… don’t. Can’t. Won’t. A bit like Meg in Hercules. I won’t say I’m in Love.

Still… there’s a tiny part of me that still has hope, and I don’t know where why or even how it’s still there. I mean, every other time…

Anyway.

It’s nice, I’ve been really happy lately, a little confused, but really happy. I love my scripting classes, and I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time just doing anything and everything with my friends.

January 23, 2006

How to be confused: 101

Ok, so I’d pretty much accepted that I was just going to have feelings for Peter even though he had none for me and we were just friends, right? Yeah. So I was all good and fine about that until the boy has to go, get trashed, and msg me and say “Why won’t you love me.” Ok. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? So I was just like… How Much have you had to drink tonight? When he started to ask why I didn’t reply. I didn’t reply cause I was like WTF???!!!

But the problem, as always, is that this is Peter. While Peter likes to believe that he is a very straightforward person, he has always been just about anything but. He’s the most confusing person I have ever had the pleasure to know. Just when I thought I’ve figured him out, he goes and throws me for a loop. And I was content with just being happy that he was talking to me like he would an actual friend and stuff unlike… I don’t even know, just before.

I’m seriously starting to believe that it’s his goal in life to just confuse the fuck out of me. As soon as I’m like, WEEE I KNOW… He’s like UGILGYIFJUHYF so I’m like… What’s going onnnnnn????!!!!!

January 16, 2006

Mm, so one of these days I’m probably going to go deaf from listening to my music so loud. You see, when I wear headphones I have a tendency to listen to them so loud that you can hear them on the pther side of the room, even when they’re on my head. I don’t like hearing anything but my music, that’s all. This has a tendency however, to be doubly so when I’m more then intentionally making sure I can’t hear the things going on around me.

Like right now. When people start just talking about things that I have no idea about when there’s three of us, it pisses me off. Like when people just start talking about Maya and shit. DO I JUST START TALKING IN WEB DESIGN AROUND YOU? NO.

What’s probably pissing me off the most is that I’ve been trying to talk to Holly all day and she’s just like… ignoring me or saying nothing’s wrong when I try to talk to her. Bitch, soon as Daniel comes your all about talking but when I want to talk you’re like… what?

OMG ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh God that frustrates me like no other. DO NOT FUCKING LIE TO ME.

I’m not a moron. I am not blond. When you get drunk and get overly pissed off about things, OBVIOUSLY there is something still bothering you that you’ve chosen not to tell me.

Plus, she was like all: I’m not going to smoke anymore, really! And then not even a week later she’s trying to come up with every exuse she can think of to get around it. God. Fuck you. If you want to fucking die LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON I’VE LOVED THAT SMOKES HAS then go ahead. But don’t try and fucking tell me it’s so you can be social.

I don’t think anything pisses me off more then people who try and fit in by slowly killing themselves.

Calm music is not calming me down at all. I want to motherfucking rip off someone’s head. And I was in a good mood today, great even.

I can also handle people most days. I however have come to the realization that there are some people I can not deal with seeing everyday for a week straight. I just can’t.

Plus me trying to deal with everything else going on, as usual, is not working. I can handle it like… outwordly, but inwordly I’m like omfg, this sucks. Oh well, at least I’m a friend.

Blah. Pissy much.

I’ll rage more later.

January 16, 2006

Pretty

Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off something’s killing me
I know it seems like people care
Cause they’re always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs
Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who’s there

And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
When the show is over
And it’s empty every where
It’s hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I’ve got nowhere to go nowhere but home
Who will be the one who’s there

And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you’ve been on
That you’re coming off
Leaves you feeling lost
Is anybody out there
Does anybody see

That sometimes loneliness is just a part of me

This song is really pretty, Ashlee Simpson or no Ashlee Simpson. Actually I like her singing.

January 2, 2006

Relief

I suppose it’s just… great. To know that you’ve finally been honestly and truly forgiven for mistakes you made in the past. It’s like… I can breath again, like I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I finally feel like… I truly have a best friend again, you know? Anyways, the point is, Holly forgave me when I forgave her for mistakes that we both had made.

Anyway, that’s the gist of this entry… maybe I just wanted my Livejournal to see I could do something other then be sad, lol.

But as a whole…

Thank to each and every single person, Randy, Madelin, Claire, Zoe, Josh, Allie… all of you who’ve supported me when I get sad, scared, depressed or all of the above. It means my world. Thank you so so much.

January 2, 2006

So yeah, I did decide to make it my New Year’s Resolution afterall to try and actually trust people when it comes to things and make attempts to not be so cold to like… everyone in my life. Maybe it’s really a resolution to just really be a better freidn to the friends I have instead of to get more friends for once. I want my friends to feel like when something goes wrong, even when it is with me, that they can come to me about it. I have a tendency to give off an unapproachableness I guess to everyone… even online sometimes which is sort of the opposite of what I want.

I want to live my life more this year. I’m turning 21 afterall this August. ^.~ but hey, I graduate college in a year and a half and I want to make the best of my life now while I still can. I don’t want to look back at college and regret that I was a hobbit the entire time. Maybe be a little less judging of people… anyway, the point is, I’ll try. I made steps a little while ago over some of the things I want to be different about myself and I think I can actually say… they’re doing well. How well everything holds up when I’ve gone back to Chicago though… I know that’s the real test. When I’m here in Maine I can speak big words but I mean, it’s not like my parents can really make me depressed and stuff.

Inch by inch I’m getting a little more back to the person I was before High School taught me to shut up and know my place. I think that’s what I hated most about High School.. I was always too afraid to step out of that comfortable little bubble I had in school where at east I didn’t get made fun of to my face everyday. Moving to my wonderful little Chicago gave me a chance to break away from that and I never really took it at first. For months I didn’t even have friends until Holy and then from Holly came Daniel and Peter who I really didn’t even consider my friends for the longest time. Now I can proudly say to myself that I view that differently.

I can be a little less afraid and a little less timid… ha… in the past there’s people online who would’ve fallen over laughing at the idea of me a shy or timid person, but that’s seriously who I am “in real life.”

Anyway, I digress. But to start…

Thank you Claire for your last msg. ^.^ And I’m sorry for what I said when we stopped talking for awhile…

Hmm, even though a good deal of people won’t actually read this, I suppose I’ll say it anyway.

I’m sorry Peter for believing people when they told me you wouldn’t listen if I tried to talk to you.

Sorry to Josh if I ever gave you the wrong idea, and I’m sorry for the times I snapped at you.

I’m sorry to Allie for making her make a choice I don’t think she ever realized she made…