Alright, alright. Your turn to do mine people.
February 26, 2006
February 21, 2006
Another day…
In the melodrama that is my life.
Peter is pretty sure that his friendship with Holly is just about over, and these days I’m not really disagreeing with the concept. There’s moments when she’s fine, but other moments she’s a complete bitch to him, and they’re really mostly when I’m around. I know Holly’s not blind or dumb, she’ll figure out and call on or both of us on the fact that Peter and I seem closer lately, which is true… I don’t really talk to Holly anymore because I don’t feel like I can. Holly’s so… on the edge these days that I don’t even know what to say to her anymore. Her classes are making her miserable and everything else and she wants to leave but doesn’t and I don’t even know. I’m like the only one of my friends who hasn’t had a panic attack about their career selection. Be it because I didn’t just pull it out of my ass senior year, because the teachers have never yelled at me – I’m usually being told I’m good at what I do or that if I put forth more effort my stuff would be even better, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m not in a career field where my shit needs to be excellent or else.
Point blank, I love my career. I love the normality, the sanity the way the coding to it never changes. Sure there’s new languages to learn but that’s half the fun. I like it.
I really don’t know what to do about Holly like Peter-wise. I told Peter that I’m tired of giving up everything I want for her, and he’s just like… let’s just get her a boyfriend. While that’d probably help things along, it really isn’t that easy to do. Holly barely knows who the hell she is right now, let alone anyone who was with her. God, maybe that’s part of her problem, she’s going through an identity crisis or something. She changed herself so much for Peter (which he never wanted nor asked her to do btw and is actually slightly creeped out about the idea that someone would change themselves that much) that she doesn’t even know who she is anymore.
Peter made the rather nice point (as you can see, Peter and I have had a few discussions lately, including our note passing in Art History, lol) that Holly’s been thinking Peter’s skin deep for a long time now and not realizing that it’s not appearances he was after. If he was, he could’ve slept with the scrawny blonde twit at work who’s stalking him. ((Hahaha, on that note he seriously was like… so you were checking out hot guys on the street, Huh? … I was just like… Peter… I’ve liked you for I don’t even know how long now, it’s not going to change because of one hot guy.)) I just thought it was hilarious that he was “worried”. Usually that’s my job.
And yeah. I had… I don’t know, more then a scare last night. My sister called me up balling because my Mother was about to confront my father on if he was cheating on her or not. He’s… not… physically?? I dunno, he’s got this weird internet relationship going on and honestly… I don’t think I care so long as he doesn’t leave my Mother over it and it stays online. I mean, I had an idea a long time ago that he might be doing things like that, so maybe the fact that it didn’t really shock me helped. I know who my father is… but either way, Mom told him he needs to stop the shit, and I hope he does, because if he doesn’t I don’t think my Mother will forgive him, and I can understand why she wouldn’t. If I was my Mother, I’d be pissed too. My sister’s like… completely pissed off, and it’s probably because she’s closer to my Mom then I am. You see, I have trouble getting close to my Mom because I’ll always be her “baby” and she doesn’t like talking about things she doesn’t think I can handle.
So.. yeah. That’s everything I can think of for right now at least… I’m sure they’ll be more later.
February 21, 2006
Hmm
Here’s irony for you. Holly thinks Peter is skin deep and that he wants a blonde girl with long hair, DD boobs… etc. So she grew out her hair, dyed it blonde and etc… and he had no interest in her.
Yet Peter has feelings for me and I like… cut my hair off and dyed it black. Cause I wanted to. I knew Peter liked longer hair… but I was just like.. fuck that.
Hmm~
February 18, 2006
Annnndd…. finally.
Lol, even though it should’ve been pretty obvious before now, I finally got a definivite answer from Peter, yey!! (And you can guess what it was) so we stopped to discuss for a few minutes what we’re supposed to do about Holly and how neither his best friends or mine (or us) ever really know what to do about her, especially when lately she’s already been like… halfway towards leaving. Well, at least on his end I got the best friend approval, though I suppose the situation’s a little different for him in not having to worry about Cow liking him. (I suppose I can say Randy gave his approval though.) I know this is an ongoing problem, but right now the biggest one is that while I can take Holy just not forgiving me for a long long time, I can’t take her completely leaving me, which is what I’m afraid of. I can lose my best friend, but I can’t lose her forever.
February 16, 2006
So tired…
I’m so tired of never knowing what’s right. Knowing if it’s better to finally just do the things that make me happy or not. Because I’ve known all along that everytime I actually get somewhere with Peter that it kills Holly. I’m tired of her trying to say that she doesn’t give a fuck about him, us or whatever. If anything, I think I want her to just finally give it up and yell at me, him, us. So So tired of being unhappy to keep her happy.
Tired of begining to think I know where I stand with Peter and then not again, then thinking I do, and then once more not. Would it really be that much to just finally let me know? I mean… right now… I think I know… but with Peter… it’s like… he’s all about attention. And I’m afraid that he’s just doing this for some.
I think I’m accepting that Holly will NEVER just let me be happy when it comes to Peter. And I hope she’s coming to the realization that I can’t give up on him. I don’t just want to sleep with him, I want all of him as it may.
February 16, 2006
Josh
You know, when someone pops up out of nowhere saying their pissed at you when you rather simple thought you just weren’t the people that reall talked anymore, it’s kind of shocking. I think Josh was maybe looking for an apology out of me or something, and since I had no idea what I did I kinda rather didn’t feel like it. I’ve apologised to him before. All he’s had to do was click the little Josh tag and see that. But since he’d rather play the delete everything you know of me or apologise game, I simply deleted him. I don’t talk to him anymore anyways so it’s really not much of a difference.
February 15, 2006
Weirdness
Alright, so I survived yet another Singles Awareness Day. It wasn’t that bad, I mean I just guilt tripped my friends into skipping class with me and we goofed off all day and just generally forgot that it was Valentines altogether.
~Hmm.
Dude, so at night when I’m trying to fall asleep it’s always so something non-horrific right? So eventually I usually settle (cornily enough) on Peter and happily fall asleep. Whenever this happens I have THE WEIRDEST DREAMS.
Granted, Peter is always in them but they’re usually just… weird. Last night in my dreams Peter was like… dating someone else… then like… married to her but still trying to act with me like he always does… and this girl was like.. perfect asian (GOD DAMN MEN AND THEIR ASIANS) so I was like… inferiority complex and all… and there was all this other stuff that was just making it like… REALLY twisted. Like we were all in this giant bed (me peter and his wife) and the weird thing is that it wasn’t weird. It wasn’t like a threesome idea, there was just me, then peter, then his wife. And all I remember is in the dream I made sure I was facing the wall because I didn’t even want to see him and her together.
…weird. Anyway, American Idol’s on now..
February 12, 2006
Dancing all alone…
I want you to want me…
and if I could save him, my whole world could cave in…
convinced on the inside, there’s so much more then me…
Dance, Dance…
-Saving this for later-
February 11, 2006
So true…
Peter’s made this comment to me twice lately, and regardless of the way he meant it, I’ve adopted it to myself a bit. “I’m tired of seeing pretty things I can’t have.” It’s true. I’m tired of being able to look at something, touch it, feel it, smell it, but not have it. It’s like someone’s dangling something right in front of you but you can never actually have it. I’m tired of everyone always saying “It’s ok, I’m fine…” and them not really being fine. Even if you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong, at least stop pretending for me please. Feel safe enough with me that you don’t need to pretend anymore.
Above all, I had a pretty good last few days. Other then my Art History II midterm being the devil and lying to me about what was on it and the horror of Final Destination 3… things were fine. I’m in a good mood right now cause I’m finally getting a few hours to myself to like… just chill.
Anyway, more later after I’ve taken the nice long bath I’m planning and had real time to break down the last few days in my head.
February 8, 2006
Wtf bitch?
Wow… and I thought that this crap was over, but apparently not. All while just managing to go to and come from the store for dinner, Holly managed to be completely immature about me making Peter a sandwich and not her. Note: I’m lazy as hell. I wasn’t even making more then my own grilled cheese until Peter came into the kitchen and asked me to make him one. So I did.
That’s it. She’s like… complaining and whining over that.
Also I got to hear the trademark “But no dating within the group, cause that’s just…” Argh, wtf bitch. I’m seriously getting tired of this crap. Yes, Peter mentioned “March 5th” and when Holly asked what’s March 5th, he was like nothing. Jesus people, is it so wrong for two friends to want to do something without everyone else? If it had been her and Peter, her and Daniel, hell even me and Daniel she wouldn’t of said anything.
It goes that way a lot actually. Everyone but me and Peter are allowed to do things together. It’s really making me frustrated, and I’m at the point when I really don’t care anymore. I love Holly – she’s the best friend I’ve ever had but she needs to get up off my case. I’m sorry if she had or has feelings for Peter but he’s always made it more then obvious – by blatently telling her three times for one – but there’s always been /something/ there with Peter and I.
I was looking forward to tonight simply because it was going to be Peter, Holly and I studying, but I forgot that it’s impossible to do anything that’s the three of us right. I’m really tired of Holly being a bitch and not even trying to understand anything from my point of view, and god knows I’ve tried to understand it with her. Maybe I’m about ot just take up Peter’s position on things and just say we need to get her a boyfriend.
Plus hey, it’s a long term agreement between us that if one of us is dating someone then the other really can’t say anything about Peter.