March 28, 2006

Send me home!!!

K so I wanna go home now. Home being Chicago because I’m so done being in Maine already. Granted, Maine is great when I’m stressed and need to realx and everything else, but right now I just wanna go home to Peter and my friends. This part where all I have around is my family is driving me crazy. There’s no way that this summer I’ll be able to stay here for 3 weeks. It’s like.. Tuesday and I’ve been here since Friday. I have to make it until… Sunday. Eck.. that’s much to much to long. I’ve been happy as hell and when I’m here it’s just like… bleh. Just bleh. I don’t really do anything or go anywhere because it’s not like I really still have friends around here, so I’m getting like… cabin fever or something. The furthest I’ve gone in the last few days is today when I went to the grocery store. I miss Peter, normally this is like… the longest I go without seeing him. It’s the longest I have since I dated him too. :( I didn’t make it long. Like what, 5 days before I started whining? :/ I wanna curl up and attempt to watch movies with him and Daniel or… try and play video games even though I really suck at them. I wanna have conversations that actually involve people knowing what I’m talking about again. I feel so… almost stupid I guess when I’m here because all my knowledge is about something they know nothing about. It’s like I’m from this whole other world that they’ve only glimpsed but never really tried to understand. My sister pretends to know things about computers when really she should know to look in the Windows Components if her Microsoft Works program suddenly goes missing… which I so did not accidently uninstall earlier because I thought she had word… anyway.

And then I asked my mother OVER A MONTH AGO to get my FAFSA done before today, the 28th. On the 25th I even reminded her once again that it had to be done. Yeah it’s still not done. A lacking of FAFSA can seriously screw up my Financial Aid, and since I’ve already spent more then enough time in there for the next year already, I think this want to have it actually done is justified. My sister is finally going to get off her ass and do it tomorrow. This is all because she actually has to done my Father’s taxes before I can do my FAFSA – which she really has to do anyway.

Then there’s all this stuff where I have to meet my new roomie when I get back and the fact that Holly’s still attempting her little myspace drama… it’s all crap and I just wanna go home and get the first few days over so I can get back to my nice normal schedule. And Daniel better still be around because if he won’t be I’ll kick something.

March 27, 2006

Dirty little secrets.

This is my dirty little secret entry. Perhaps because I know which “dirty little secret” was actually Holly’s on myspace, or maybe because I needed to write this all anyway. I dunno. But this is the entry nobody else can read, where I can confess all those fears that I’m terrified of telling anyone else.

I’m scared that without Holly around I won’t have friends anymore. That’s why I’m talking to more people.
I’m terrified that Peter will decide that his first decision that we could never work out will come back to haunt him.
I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a “real” relationship before.
I’m worried that Holly will hate me forever.
I’m hating Holly for what she doesn’t even realize she’s putting me through. At least I knew the affect my decision would have on her.
I’m angry that AI gave me a new roommate without even telling me.
I’m depressed that unless PT cleans up my apartment, my new roomie will get a bad first impression of me.
I’m edgy that I may be friends with my roomie. What’s it really matter when they all leave anyway.
I’m broken about friends. I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me again.
I need to be forgiven. Without it, I think they’ll always be a part of me that’s missing.
I know that all I’m letting people see if my anger. What I refuse to show is that all I’m really doing is wondering if I’ll ever get my friend back.
I regret the fact that I had to hurt Holly so that I could be happy. What I don’t regret is doing it. I waited, wanted and needed this happiness I’ve finally achieved for so long.
I blame myself for every friendship that’s gone wrong.
I wonder if I’m just a really horrible person and I’m the only one that doesn’t see it.
I need to know that it’s okay to be happy.
I am… in love. And I’m terrified to admit it. I’m absolutly terrified that one day Peter will find out and that he’ll laugh. I’m scared that admitting I’m in love will mean that I’m left wide open for him to tear into itny little pieces. And I’m scared that once again he’ll stop having feelings for me. I’m terrified of how much I need him and to admit how much I miss him.
I’m cautious into every thing I do or say involving Peter. I’m scared to say too much and I’m scared I say too little. The same goes for actions.
I’m trying to take everything one step at a time. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this… free. Free to be happy, free to say and do what I want. I’m so… happy for once and with this happiness I’m just waiting for it to all come crashing down. I’m trying to realize that the best way to live is in the moment.

March 26, 2006

Love like you’ve never been hurt before

I really am so very tired of this crap that Holly is trying to pull. Her latest move was her trying to be friends with Nicole – the blonde chick who’s after Peter -_-. Now Holly has never talked to this girl before, so there’s no way that she could’ve been doing it without some form of ulterior motive. It’s like for the most part she hasn’t even remotely gotten over all this shit, and she’s trying to create drama left and right. It seems like if she doesn’t try something at least once a day, I might get confused. And then hah – my new roomate called me! Yes, the one I didn’t even know about. How fantastic is that? I have a stranger moving into my apartment for a few days before I’ll even get there. That’s just damn ducky.

I’m so so so tired of her crap about all of this. I really just want to tell her to shut the fuck up, and grow up. She had no feelings for Peter anymore, why the hell would it matter if I dated him or not? Her “betrayal” point is complete crap. I didn’t betray her, especially if she saw it coming. Actually I wanted to ammend what I was saying I wanted to say with – and oh yeah, I really am so much happier with you not around anymore, and I really do socialise and go out so much more now. Maybe it was just because of you that I didn’t want to before afterall.

She’s being all like – “Oh I guess it’s easier for people to get over things when they didn’t get fucked over” or “Well I guess you never really cared afterall anyway…” Grr. Argh. STFU bitch. :) Or hey – stop pretending you’re not doing all this to get a reaction out of me. So that’s what’s making me happy. As far as she knows I’m not really reacting to this at all and I know it pisses her off.

Oh, and I haven’t even commented on how I got stuck in Washington D.C. yet for the night. So you see, here I was at O’Hare, and my damn flight gets delayed because the plane that was taking off right before mine had technical problems. Because of that, I missed my connection in D.C. (note this, by 5 minutes. And originally they had said they were going to wait for us then suddenly decided to take off afterall.) so I spent a good hour and a half running around getting myself a hotel because I wasn’t staying in the airport overnight and making sure I had a flight for the next day and everything else. So I stayed in a hotel and then from there was flown to NY and from there I finally got to Maine. Note that during all this time I didn’t even have a cellphone because it had previously broken in half.

((On an extra note, I need everyone’s phone number again… except for Madelin’s cause her’s was in my ollllddd cell phone unless it changed at some point. :) ))

March 16, 2006

Ehehe

I was thinking today about… I dunno everything. I skipped class and was actually alone for awhile, so I suppose it could partly be because I actually had a chance to. I said yesterday to my offline journal that one of the reasons Holly being gone isn’t bothering me is because of a lot of things. One of them I think is greatly because… I knew it was coming. I was prepared for Holly to hate me, and I always expected the worst. One of the few things Holly has not done during all this, is actually manage to suprise me. And… I’m happy. I’m so busy actually being happy, that I just don’t have time to miss her being around. It’s honestly been such a long time since I’ve truly smiled as much as I have in the last few days.

For so long I took steps that were away from what I wanted in life that now that I do have what I want I refuse to let her bring me down. I’m DONE with that. Finished, completed and over. More then just Holly being gone this is a chance to start again in a lot of ways for me. There were times when with Holly I felt obligated to be what she expected of me because she knew me so well. I honestly felt trapped in being the person she thought I was. Without Holly I feel like I can… I don’t know, live because I’m not relying on her for so much. I want to go out and do stuff, talk to people… I dunno everything. The boys asked me to try and be more outgoing, and honestly, I’m trying to be. I think I can be again.

A lot of people would think I’d be saying “You don’t know what you had till it’s gone” about Holly, but its… almost the opposite. When she was here I didn’t want her to leave, and now that she is gone… I don’t think I want her back. It sounds cruel because she’s supposed to be my best friend, but… what kind of best friend wouldn’t want you to do what you needed to do to be happy? And then try and tell you to it now that you have, and then at the same time, hate you for actually being so? I’m sorry I’m happy while she’s not? No.

I feel so relieved, so free… so much weight is off my shoulders since no longer do I have to base my every choice over if Holly will go ballistic on me or not for it.

…Free.

March 14, 2006

Recap

Ok so basically a lot has happened in the little time it’s actually been since I posted anything. On Thursday… well, Peter told Holly as planned and everything just went to hell. Holly took it in some ways a lot worse then I thought she was going to – like I thought she might get a new roomie at the end of the quarter, I didn’t think that by noon on friday she’d already have dropped out of her classes, housing, told her Mom she was moving back home, bought train tickets and gotten out of Chicago by 5. Less then 24 hours after we told Holly she picked up her life and just dropped it. Seriously, honestly.

Thursday night I had to answer to a lot of things, up to and including why I made the choice I did even though I knew what would happen as a result. I simply told her the truth, because I finally decided I needed to do what would make me happy instead of living my life trying to keep Holly happy. I regret that things happened the way they did but honestly and truly, Peter makes me -actually- happy. Not just momentarily happy. HAPPY. Holly said a lot of other things she eventually ended up taking back on Sunday, but I still felt two inches tall.

Friday I was a mess. I spent the first half of the day crying while Holly was still around, then I moped, and then by halfway through the day I just got angry and then I got to the point where I was like “Well… Holly has a lot more problems that she’s really dealing with more then just this and that’s why she’s home.” For the most part, I’m still telling myself that. Mostly because it’s true. Holly’s whole world literally revolved around making me happy, she got dangerously depressed whenever we fought and hurt herself, and she completely overstresses about things… etc.

Saturday Peter came in and we just blew off the whole day with Daniel going to the movies, getting KFC, packing up Holly’s shit for her (doing the mass amounts of dishes in my case) and etc.

Sunday was the day Holly moved out. At 9am I ran my ass to Daniel’s room so I wouldn’t have to confront Holly at all, which was probably good because when she first came in she was all angry and etc. two hours later she was a sobbing mess and came to see me and just… yeah so she was just like “I can’t even stay angry at you” basically that’s still the state she’s in. I was fine. Basically everything seemed like it happened to me over weeks not days or hours, so I was just like – “It’s ok Holly.”

Monday. Today. So I’m still dealing with that Holly’s not here. It’s not like *SOB* WHY’D YOU LEAVE ME… (that was Thursday night) it’s like… Err.. ok… what do I do now?

So everyone keeps asking me how I like living alone. I honestly have no idea. Daniel’s lived with me since Friday. He just took it upon himself to invite himself to move in.

…There goes that alone time I thought was at least a plus side to this.

But yeah, it’s the when I get bored not having something to do, it’s the not having someone to talk to in the morning when I wake up, it’s the being woken up when someone other then Holly is moving around the room… basically it’s the fact that I just keep getting reminded that not only is she NOT here but that she’s not coming back.

Plus today just started out bad. Holly packed a lot of the stuff while she was still bitchy, so thus she was trying to screw me over. Like taking ALL the laundry detergent (I can understand taking hers… BUT WHY MINE TOO??!! I HAD LIKE ONE LOAD LEFT IN THE POOR THING!!) All the conditioner (but oddly leaving me all the Shampoo…) the waffles (ZOMG SHE TOOK MY WAFFLES).. and the toilet paper. Ok. So I had NO TISSUES, NO NAPKINS, NO TP. All I had was paper towels. So I had to ask my parents for money. I hate asking my parents for money. I had to like beat down my pride with a mallet to do it.

So yeah.. I’m pretty much living with Daniel. While not driving me CRAZY it’s not what I’d prefer you know? I’d RATHER that I was alone. I like being alone. I really really don’t mind it, and for some reason people get the concept in their heads that I do. Yes, I hate being alone… but I’m refering to having no friends. Not literally being alone. I like that.

Anyway… yeah. Craziness.

March 4, 2006

Argh.

Haven’t updated cause it’s still the same thing ((anyone finally understand why I call my journal “Requiem on Repeat”?)) I’m still figuring out when the hell and how to tell Holly about what’s going on. I’m pretty set on telling her soon… I don’t like lying to her, even if it is a “lie of omission”. Plus I know with Holly that the longer I wait to tell her, the more pissed off at me she’s going to get. It’s just hard cause I know she’s not going to talk to me after it happens… for a long while. So I’m trying to have the best of both worlds for as long as I can… you know?

<3 I learned I get possessive when I can whilst I’m drinking. I so looked at Holly like “BACK THE FUCK UP OFF MY BOYFRIEND YOU SLUT.” the other day. Thankfully, nobody was looking at me and I didn’t say it. It was close though cause I almost said something a few times… heh.

I need to tell her before she accidently finds out from something else. If she does… whatever exists out there save me cause it’ll be WW3.

I hate that right now everytime Holly does something nice for me, I feel guilty. It’s like *stab stab* because I know that I’ll literally be like *stab twist stab* from her perspective when I tell her. Peter was trying to be all optimistic like… Maybe she won’t care. Maybe she’ll just be happy for us.

He’s crazy. If there’s one thing Holly can never be, it’s happy for me involving something with Peter. She never has been and never will be. It’s what I asked her about months ago and she didn’t deny it.

March 1, 2006

Wowz

I love it when my life turns around and I don’t even realize it’s happening. Only this time, I actually don’t mean that sarcastically because what happened was good. ^.^ In the last couple weeks, things have changed around dramatically between Peter and I. From him hinting that he had feelings for me too, to shocking the hell out of me by asking me why I don’t love him… to telling me he has feelings for me… to us dating. It’s all been this whirlwind that I think I’m still trying to catch up on and when it does I’ll still just be :) like. Either way, more thinking is required on the subject.