So I’m back to being depressive and etc. At least depressed is an emotion I understand. Only now I’m cynical and depressed. Like now I remember why it was I didn’t do best friends. LIke remembering that I’ve never had a best friend stick around for more then a year and a half. That’s it. After that they move away and leave me behind. I should really just give up on the entire best friend thing as I think I fail to be a good one. I’ve tried being optimistic, being like it’s not my fault or whatever, but… there’s been too many for me to pass it off anymore, I just honestly think it’s useless. Everyone will leave eventually anyway. So yes. This is me being emo, depressive and completely self-obsessed. Because I’ve spent a long time being obsessed over Peter, so I’ve switched to something more centric. Fuck people :/ I don’t need them anyway. So that’s a lie, but it made me feel better for a moment.
Fuck it. In a year I’m probably moving back home anyway, or at least to Portland ME or Boston. I’ve gone longer amounts of time then this without friends, and I always have Daniel.
So this is how the world is when you realise all your biggest fears have come true, again.
Ahh… so I talked to him today. Peter, that is. It was his birthday and all and I almost… didn’t call him. I just… I dunno. Then I remembered what Claire said about not giving up on something I wanted and and took the bravery y’all gave me and… text msged him. So better then nothing right? Ok… before you call me a wimp like an instant later he called me and while I stared at it with the idea of not picking up… I couldn’t not. It’s been two weeks since I talked to him so… I had to.
Basically I’ve been mulling over everything people have been telling me… and watching mass amounts of The O.C. I so totally downloaded the entire first season. Or somewhere around that, but I digress – point being that, I should finish what I started for once. Three months ago I fought for what I wanted for once, because I knew Peter was what I wanted. And then I started to doubt… but I’m trying this new thing where I actually take the advice people give me, you know? I’m going to wait a little bit longer… see what happens after I get back from summer vacation and all. And until then just mayyybbeeee…. try not to spend a scary amount of time just trying to not think about Peter. Just… relax and go with the flow I guess.
This won’t be easy let me tell you. I am not a go with the flow kinda girl. I’m a go kicking and screaming or silently into the wind kind of girl.
I must be brave!!! I know I can be… ok, so maybe I don’t, but I definitely will try!
Man, Holly made this huge myspace blog about how she was in love with me from waayyyy early in… dude it sounds creepy as hell from her perspective. I knew she’d been in love with me for a little while but it started waaayyyyy earlier then I thought it had. *shudders* I’m sorry, I know I can be a flirt, but I just don’t swing that way…
I just literally shuddered. I have no problem with bi/lesbian people. Just when they have feelings for me. And… that only goes fro the lesbians… cause.. well actually there are some guys I have problems having feelings for me with, but that’s not the point!
The point is, finding out that your best friend had been in love with you for… nearly as long as you’ve known her is unsettling. I don’t want to have anything to do with Holly anymore and no, it’s not because of this. Mostly because… I don’t know her.
I’m just still thinking that context is really key. Like I can look at something one way and realize that someone else takes it completely differently.
I don’t even know what else to say. Maybe just that my life is… fucked up. God.
Someone was in love with me and will never get me. I’m in love with someone I will probably never have again.
In a way, I suppose I can sympathise. But that’s all…
To know you can affect someone that deeply and strongly is a rather terrifying thought. I made someone want to kill themself. That’s a very… depressing thought so say the least. I loved Holly as my best friend and only that.
On another less… mentally confusing note, I’m doing better. My colds not as bad anymore physically and emotionally… I’m going strong. Surviving. Just maybe I’ll get through this and maybe… maybe… over Peter. I need to get out. I need to flirt. I need to be brave.
Anyone wanna lend me some bravery? <3
So yeah, while running around in the rain is theraputic it also gets you sick. So right now I’m like moving around like blarghhhhh cause everything is like messed up.
But here I am… a week later. People ask me how I’m doing and pretty much all I can say is surviving. I feel like I’m back to 2nd quarter. The only difference is that this time around I have Daniel. Argh. I’ll finish this later, I’m talking to my sister.
Thank god yesterday is over. Holy cow. I’ve never felt so as un-incontrol of my emotions as I did yesterday. And for someone who keeps a pretty tight leesh on them, let me tell you – it was terrifying. I’m over the OMG I HATE ME OMG OMG OMG part of that time and can safely resume thinking like a sane and normal human being once again.
I love music. I love it good loud and blowing the hell out of my eardrums. I’m going to be deaf when I get older, but I’ll also have problems with my knees, fingers and feet so I figured why not my ears too. But point being, god does music make everything better. Most of the time I’m not even paying attention to what’s playing – I could probably hear the same song a few dozen times before I even noticed what was going on – but the louder it is, the less I can hear myself think. I think that’s my problem offline. I’d never be so shy and doubting if I had music blasting my insecurities away. Maybe that’s why when I have a CD player with me I feel like I can take on the world and look at more then just the ground. I actually – gasp – look people in the eye!!! For some damn reason, which I seem to have no control over because as soon as I’m away from the safety of my home and loud music, I can’t anymore.
I have recently realized that I am deathly afraid of – life.
Yeah. I so don’t like it. People think I’m afraid of death but the real truth is that I’m afraid of life. I hate the unknown. I hate mysteries. I hate any form of lack of control. I like knowing exactly what I need to do when and why. Perhaps that’s why even though I hate talking to people as soon as you put me in a group I start taking charge.
There’s moments when I wonder if I real want to do web design for the rest of my life before I remember that I’m a freak of nature and for some reason, new web languages actually makes me giddy. I seriously get excited over say… php.
I’m such a geek. And I have not a damn drop of shame about it. I’ve met more people online who give a damn about me then offline and that seriously does not bother me. Online people don’t give you drama (and I refuse to think about the petty arguments I have.) They just listen to your malfunction and either tell you to STFU, ignore you, or give you a hug and go about their day.
There’s something conforting in that.
Ahh. It’s that week. I know all the girls reading this understand what I mean when I say that week, and since Philly is the only guy that reads this, I’m going to continue on anyway.
All day long I’ve been like… depressed as fuck. About half the time I think I’m going to just start crying and once I damn well did.
I can so handle being single now. However during that time everything always affects you like 5xxxxx more, so right now I’m like… on the edge.
On days like today my brain is going:
It’s your own fault for letting yourself love him.
You should’ve known better then to think it would work out.
Of course he’s going to move on.
What if he only told you that it was because he didn’t have time and it really was something else?
Why would he actually have feelings for you? You are nothing alike.
Granted, days like today I want to shoot myself in the head, but I can’t help it. I know it’s not my fault we broke up. But that doesn’t mean there sure as hell aint moments when I doubt that somehow. I’m still female, I still manage to blame myself for everything in the end and doubt everything sixty ways to Sunday before that.
Last night was… good for me. Daniel and I just went out walking in the rain talking about everything and anything. I admitted to him that I loved Peter and the 5 million reasons why that terrified me like nothing else.
Pretty much everyone is saying… see how it works out, but don’t hold yourself back.
It’s true and I know it. But I don’t fall easily and I know that regardless I’ll probably be single for a long while again either way.
So… yeah. Peter broke up with me. Which makes me wants to scream, not at him… just because once again something had to come between Peter and I. I hate it. We didn’t have an ugly break up or anything… it was just like… he doesn’t have time to have a girlfriend… and I agree. Peter needs to get ahold of his life before he’s really ready for a relationship. Right now it’s crazy has heck with school full time, work full time, insane amounts of homework and still trying to find time for everything else, up to and including the choas that always seems to reign in his life. He was just like… I can understand if you hate me, or you don’t want to be around me, but I still want to be around you and etc etc etc. Which I’m like.. -_- about, because I don’t hate him, I don’t even blame him, and I need him in my life. I’m crazily in love with Peter. If he suddenly went and just… disappeared from my life I would go insane. I can’t. I need him to be in it, as my friend, my boyfriend or even my arch rival.
I knew it was coming. And i was right. So that’s how I’m handling this. Plus… we didn’t break up because neither of us didn’t have feelings for the other or because something happened or anything like that sooo….
There’s always the future 
But as everyone says, I’m still keeping my options open, I’m not solely waiting for Peter… (And yet… I am waiting for him. I waited a year+ once, I can wait again.)
((You know, I’m the one in Project Management, maybe Peter should be 
))
