Get out of my head. 
Why won’t you get out. Why can’t I make it stop. I don’t even know what it is anymore. I see you and I’m like… ok. But when I think about seeing you, I’m a little happier and a little disappointed in myself at the same time.
You’re my shameful secret everyone still knows about I think.
Denial.
But why, why, why won’t you get out of my head. You moved on without a second glance except to maybe be dismayed that we’re not friends anymore.
In three month I went from being your girlfriend to practically a stranger. I hate it. I hate that I hate it and I want you the fuck out of my head.
WHY CAN’T I GET OVER YOU??!!!!!
I watched Click today and I ended up crying x.X So glad I didn’t watch that with anyone else. Click spoilers
I hate the fact that the more you try and not think about something, the more it seems you do. I hate that I want to see him, hate that I care. I love that as much as this seems to be true, the other half of me avoids him like the plague. I know a part of it is because I refuse to go to him. Even though I know when he has class, the rest of me knows it’s just not worth it. Especially when part of me is still hung up on him and he has feelings for someone else. Why put myself through that kind of torture? Plus I’m afraid – no, I’m terrified that when I see him again it will all come crashing down once more. In the begining I gave him until my birthday. Now I think that until then I can’t be free in a way. I’m also cursed. All the guys I’m interested in are involved with someone else already. Oh how I wish I could just obliviate remaining feelings away. How much easier life would be.
Yey, I finally picked up a new journal (written journal)! Substitutes are ok temporarily but the ones with a spiral binding are really the best. I haven’t even wrote in a couple weeks now. Well, from how I was in my last (written) entry, I’m definitely doing better now. Three weeks at home made me feel a lot better about everything going on, or rather – that went on. It was almost nice to just not talk about it because there was no nasty reminders. Like I saw Peter last Tuesday. He was walking ahead of me and I was honestly confused what to do. So I simply decided to do nothing. Like Daniel and I have talked about, until he talks to me, I’m really not going to do anything.
When Peter can figure out whatever it is he feels her needs to say to me, then fine. And if he never bothers to then well, I guess it’s his loss. But I’m a big girl. I know him and I can read. All he needs to realize is that there really isn’t anything he needs to say to me. Except maybe sorry for being a jerk and breaking up with me over IM. (But then, looking back now as I type this up, I have to remeber that that’s also how it all started.) So in less then a month it’s my 21st. I told Daniel that I want a party. 
Or rather, I said I will not let it go by sober. I guess Holly’s supposed to be up that weekend. I put my foot down however and told Daniel she will not be there for my birthday. I so refuse to talk to her if she’s looking at pity on either of our ends. I’m happy now, she’s happy now… etc. I feel like I have a lot less weight on my shoulder. Daniel wants me to talk to her soon, which while I know I said I’d do I keep putting off. I just don’t feel like explaining to her why I ignored some of the action she did.
Something right now that I… love, and I mean love is knowing exactly who I am. Right now, I’m self-assured, strong, confident, and independent again. I know who I am and what I want once more and that doesn’t reply on a single damn person other then me, myself and I. It’s like Maine is my happy place and I just needed to come back here and just… remember who it is that I’ve always wanted to be.
I’m ashamed at myself in months previous. Downright ashamed. I don’t even know if it’s months, or just plain out years. I’ve been weak. I’m not saying that falling in love was weak, but how I acted when I was, was. I wanted to move to Chicago to become more independent and in some ways I did, and in some ways I crippled myself.
I just read my Horoscope for the day as I did this. Ironic really.
Overview: Ever thought about giving your anxieties a break? Funnily enough, they might not enjoy hanging around so much — and you’re more than ready to give ‘em a rest. Your outward tranquility increases with your inner peace.
I rather think it’s right.
