There are moments when everything I’ve done in the world or am about to have to do just… crash on me. It’s a bit like a Dane Cook commentary where all you can say is ‘I did my best’ and completely give in to the urge to break down an cry.
That was just now.
There’s so much of my world that I’m trying to change or resist changing or is changing me that sometimes I can’t handle it all. Trying not to swear as much, to lose some of the weight I’ve put on since living at Ricky’s house, to get things done before they are immediately due, to be an adult, to still be young, to wanting to be on my own, to not snap as much as Ricky or be as greedy with his time, to trying to make his friends my friends as well, to dealing with the world without someone’s help… I just… can’t sometimes. I’m so used to having someone there to put me back together that I don’t think I know how to do it on my own anymore. Ricky tries but he just… or I can’t talk to him. I can’t tell him that sometimes I feel like my world is falling apart under my feet and I’m powerless to stop it. Everywhere around me, people are changing from “kids” to “adults”. Teresa’s getting married, Dominic and Liz had a baby, Ricky is a professional out in the world, and sometimes I feel like I just keep… falling short. There’s so much of me that just wants to go out partying and make bad decisions while the other half of me wants everything that they’re getting… the two halves of my inner me keep clashing and I don’t know how to balance them out yet.
I’m just… overwhelmed.
I hate repeating myself. It’s one of those small things in life that just drives me nuts. It comes from having a partially deaf mother who half the time isn’t listening to what you’re saying anyway. Point being, it’s just frustrating. It’s one of my seven deadly sins or something. Forget the traditional ones. Mine’s a lack of patience in the world around me when it comes to just about anything. No matter how hard I seem to work at it, apparently that doesn’t matter because according to Ricky I haven’t really gotten any better. So maybe two of my sins are a lack of patience and the inability to change. Wow, 5 more sins and I’ll have my full list. Actually, we might as well throw in sarcasm and procrastination, since they are definitely up there on the list. Probably the biggest two actually. So now I’m at what, 4 sins? That only leaves 3 more. I’m quick to anger, so I have a tendency to snap at people in reply that is only slightly counter-balanced by the windom to know when my comments aren’t needed. However since some people know that I do this, they like to either A) Continue to subject since I’m not using the chance to talk (which usually results in me continuing to get angry) or B) Force me to reply and thus the snappy comment being said in the end anyway.
Most of the writing in my journal (either this one or my written one) calm me down enough that I manage to not bite Ricky’s head off, especially when he WON’T LET SOMETHING DROP which is usually the biggest problem. You all know me. I know me. My way of dealing with any situation is to ignore it long enough for it to defuse or I forget why I was mad in the first place. Ricky has this 7 heavenly blessings thing of dealing with problems immediatly, which as you can guess, quite clashes with mine. This by the way, all started off by me saying one comment a bit more harshly then I had intended, probably because it was timed with me trying to remember what I was doing. It managed to get blown out of porportion because the matter was not dropping. It was continuing on and on.
I’m bad with apologies. Generally I like to avoid making them however I can. I feel like with Ricky that half the times I’m apologising for my entire personality. Sarcastic comments come as my defense mechanism. It rather runs in the familiy which generally I’d imagine doesn’t help the whole change-thing.
And sometimes Ricky just hits a really sensitive spot. Like commenting on my inability to change. That one in particular really hurts because part of him isn’t remembering just how much of my life is currently changing whlle I’m trying to keep up with it. I’ve changed so much in the 10 months being with him that it’s not even funny, and when he says I haven’t at all in the last year… it hurts. I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to keep up with everything right now.
I don’t want to grow up and finish school and find a job but I want it so bad at the same time and I really really really just want to move out of his house even though I love the people in it but sometimes I just want something that’s mine and only mine again. To be able to find my stuff and not have to dig through piles of junk for it. I lived on my own for three years… I hate the things that come with living in a house that isn’t your own with someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to have nobody to fall back on but yourself. I like going to the store to pick out dinner, I like getting my own kind of laundry detergent and knowing that whatever I left in the fridge is still there when I get home. I loved my independence, that’s why I moved so far away from my parents and I hate having had it and then losing it.
But I did it because i love Ricky to the end of the world and back and because I wanted to spend more time with him. I was afraid of losing him with his new job because suddenly he was an adult with a 9-5 job and much bigger paychecks and much less time for me. Afraid of losing him to his friends because I wanted time alone with him and all he had were his open weekends.
So there… I guess I’m not frustrated anymore. Just sad.
