February 24, 2008

Updateeeeee!

Less then a week now until the cruise!!! I’m so excited to have a vacation… I can’t wait for it every year! I’m still really excited that my sister’s getting married, I’m so proud of her, as weird as that sounds.

Concerts! Not one, but two coming up this year! I’ll be going to see Panic! At the Disco and My Chemical Romance. Those should rock!!! (of course, they won’t be as good as Trapt… nobody can beat Trapt in my eyes. They’re very biased eyes of course.)

Uhm… and that’s really about it, lol. I didn’t have that much to say this week I guess.

February 10, 2008

Well…

I hate how relationships get less… romantic as they go on. I hate it and it drives me crazy.

I wonder if Ricky knows how much it hurts when he says he doesn’t want to hug me or kiss me when he gets home from work? It’s like *stab* *stab*. Or how even if he doesn’t want to be asked how his day was… maybe I do?

It’s the entire reason why I don’t really kiss him on the lips anymore during the day… and I’ve pretty much stopped hugging him or trying to sit near him altogether. I understand that sometimes you can be not in the mood to cuddle… but it makes me sad that it’s everyday. It hurts a lot actually. Sure sometimes he’ll sit next to me, but there’s moments when he practically sits on the other side of the room.

Or… god, even when I am upset he’ll come over awhile later and ask if I’m ok. That’s a far cry from the beginning when he actually seemed to… care. I’m a romantic at heart… I need the little things at least. Surprise me by taking me to a movie… anything.

The longer I’m in this relationship, the better I’m getting at hiding that I’m upset or angry. My patience has actually grown, which in itself it pretty amazing. I’m getting used to the whole… repeat myself like 5 times thing.

What I hate most is when he makes promises and then doesn’t keep them. “I’ll turn my phone off and it’ll be just us…” and then he spends the entire day on my 360. He’s been lazy as hell about getting his own fixed and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t mind sharing with him most of the time, but sometimes I just want to play, and it’s not like I can be like… ‘Can you get off now?’.

Also it drives me crazy when he ‘doesn’t care’. He doesn’t care what’s for dinner, he doesn’t care what we do, he doesn’t care about FRICKIN ANYTHING. Oh, except when he wants to go back to his parents house. Then it’s drop everything and stay for as long as he wants. It drove me INSANE when he was practically saying he didn’t want to do anything with Teresa and Jim one weekend because ‘he just wanted to relax after going to his parents house last weekend’. I accept him wanting to spend time with his friends, I’d appreciate it if he did the same.

My tolerance of Ryan is growing thin. I just don’t care anymore most of the time. I’ve tried to play nice, I’ve tried to be a friend… it just doesn’t work. I will not put the extra effort in when it doesn’t get me anywhere anyway. On LOTRO I got tired of giving and giving to people for their crafts and getting absolutely nothing in return. Why should I bother giving up the stuff I’ve worked hard for when they don’t either? ‘Oh Ryan would want that’ or ‘What are you going to do with that Andi’ drives me crazy. I don’t care if they would. When people start saying ‘Oh I wonder if Andi has that recipe’ then maybe. But since everyone wants me to give all the stuff I get from my craft away, I’m just not giving it to anyone. That’s one reason why I made I new character… so I have an excuse as to where all the stuff I find goes. They are the reason why I have nowhere near as much money as them. I’m just to used to RO with Oshima or other guilds where I give stuff to people, and shouldn’t need to ask for anything in return because I know they’ll give it later, which is the mindset I went into this with.

I bought tickets to go see Panic! At the Disco… I’m pretty sure Ricky didn’t even say thank you. $50 ticket… he could’ve said thanks.

I’ll rant about work another time I think… it was just a really crappy week.

February 3, 2008

Trying and learning and regret and appreciation

So it’s been like… 3 months since my last entry? I’m ashamed in myself, I used to update much more. I guess in most ways, my life has been so much less dramatic that there’s less for me to commentate on.

There was once a point in my life where I feared the everyday life of going to work and just coming home. I never understood then how after a long day at work, home was really all you could want sometimes.

And sometimes, that still drives me insane.

I am still a movie goer. I am still a girl who wants to get out and try new and crazy things, a girl who actually does regret not joining some of the crazy adventures she could’ve in college.

I guess in a way I can tell that I’m only 22 and Ricky’s 24. Most of the time, the year and a half difference between our ages is all but invisible, but sometimes it’s blatantly clear.

I wanted to go out and do something special for his birthday… he just wanted to stay home. I guess the original plan was for him to actually turn off his phone and spend it with me… which didn’t happen.

I haven’t been going out on Thursdays much lately, something I regret not doing. For a couple hours each Thursday night I guess I can forget being an “adult” and just have fun. We don’t even have the monthly get-togethers with our friends from college anymore. Really all Ricky does is play games with his brothers, and now with Teresa moved I don’t really have friends in Chicago anymore either.

I want to go out and do new things!!!!1111

I’ve been dying to go laser-tagging forever and Ricky just… won’t go. I still hate the fact that we don’t really do anything special together either. For Valentines Day I kinda wish we could… I don’t care that it’s a Hallmark holiday!!!! Even if he did plan something special for any other day I’d be just as happy. But he doesn’t even do that… all we do to spend time together is watch movies at home.

Sometimes it sucks because Ricky (though don’t misunderstand me at all during this entry, I love Ricky to death and I’m not “unhappy” with him, I just wish we could get out more) only ever seems to want to do “his” stuff. Like because we went to his parents last weekend he only wanted to do nothing this weekend. I really wanted to go out and see a movie or something…

Plus, he won’t let me get a cat.

I really, really would like a pet. I’m a pet-person, I grew up having one and I desperately wish I had something to cuddle and play with and take care of.

I guess I’m just bored really.

I feel like this is a really unrealistic thought, but I wish Ricky would realize when I was upset without me telling him…because I realized he was depressed without him telling me. Do I just hide it better or does he just really not see? And even when i do tell him he gets so upset that it ends up being all about him and his fear that we’re going to breakup.

Or that he freaks out whenever we fight. My biggest frustration with him is always inevitably his lack of understanding that couples fight. They disagree and no, they don’t always have to agree on everything. Just because I have a differing opinion then him does not mean that his is invalid, wrong or stupid. It’s so frustrating!!!!!

I tried explaining to him that the only thing I call him stupid about is his thinking I think he’s stupid. He’s so smart and yet he doesn’t even see it. Even time I disagree with him he spouts off on something about how his opinion is worthless or that I think he’s stupid or that we’re arguing. Even later when i try to drop the subject because sometimes it’s just not worth fighting about he’ll just bring it up again!

He complains that women hold grudges and that I hold every wrong he’s done against him but he does it just as bad! He’ll wait like half an hour until I’m all calmed down and then he’ll say something that will just anger me again.

I try so hard to work on my patience but how can I with things like that? I’m doing my best just to take deep breaths and actually think through a reply for how it might be taken or if the comment is even worth making. “Is this important enough a matter for you to disagree on?” has probably become most common thought in my brain. Thankfully I have discovered that about 50% of the time, I can stop a fight, except for in the mornings when I really have no patience to begin with.

I’m starting to realize that I inevitably fight this same fight so often… so many arguments started because of my temper. God knows I’ve had enough people throw it in my face. I -will- learn. I -am- learning. I just need the right person to understand that change doesn’t happen overnight, especially with me. Thankfully, that person seems to be Ricky as he’s stuck by me for this long and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere which I guess, is really more then I can say of anyone else…