Sunday was Hell.

It was… probably tied for first in worst day of my life thus yet. First Ricky stomped on my heart, then he decided to pick it up, fluff it out a little before stabbing it repeatedly.

I should not still be dating that man.

Unfortunatly, I love him.

It all started out Friday, with Ricky asking me if I was happy. I told him yes I was (because I am usually.). After a bit of talking somehow we just went about other things. Sunday however I’m chilling and wondering if Ricky is happy, and I get a big fat no for an answer. He doesn’t know why, and I’m startinng to get the “It’s not you, it’s me.” breakup speech. How I deserve better then him, how I love him so much more then he loves me. Basically I asked him if that’s what was happening and got a yes.

So while I’m crying hysterically on the couch (we’re being honest here. There was lots of near-hyperventilating) Ricky goes out for a walk. When he comes back he decides that our relationship might not be what’s making him not happy, and so we decide to stay together.

For some reason, half an hour later, I get this.

“I’ll be completely honest with you. I think I could live my life with you and be happy, but I’m in love with someone else. I have been for a long time. My brothers know it, my friends know it, and I think you know it.”

So while my heart is crumbling to tiny little pieces, I eventually get up and go to the bedroom. At this point I’m both heartbroken and furious. He’s attempting to apologize (I think) while I’m locking him out of the bedroom and furiously throwing pillows at the wall because it’s probably better then throwing things at Ricky’s face.

After awhile Ricky comes back and I leave the room and he has the BALLS to tell me to not be angry. Ooohhh didn’t that get a reaction out of me. I’m pretty sure my reply was something along these lines “You DO NOT get to telll me to not be angry. I CANNOT live my life wondering when the next time you’re going to tell me you’re in love with Julia is. I can NOT live my life like that.” And for once in my life, I actually was shouting in full furious Andi mode. I proudly resisted the urge to be an ass myself and didn’t tell him that Julia didn’t love him and probably never would. (Oh though it was so tempting.)

So I’m furious at this point because this is the second time Ricky has done this to me (and yes, I promise you, he walks a very fine line for awhile.) He asked me before the “I love someone else” line what I was going to do. I gave him the answer that I usually do. “Go home.” he still wants to be “friends” and I’m attempting to explain to him that no, I cannot be just friends with him. I can’t go from havinng everything to having only half. It doesn’t work that way. Plus we all know that I can’t be best friends with guys. I just fall for them, and in this case I already had.

So I’m assuming that during Breakup Part 2 he’s realizing that once I’m gone, I’m GONE. Not coming back no hello later sort’ve gone.

Anyways, because I love the asshole, I do indeed not breakup with him. (Though my trust for him is at about the -5 area.) I’ve had that eerie feeling that this has been coming for a long time, and I finally explained to Ricky that the reason I have Kairi is because if he leaves me I know I can’t be alone.

Monday Ricky explains to me that he’s told Julia off after asking her if say if they were both single would she go out with him, and her explaining with maybe. I guess this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because Ricky realized that he didn’t want to be with her anyway, and that he was in fact happy with me. (Or something along those lines. All I really cared about at the time was the “never talk to Julia again” aspect.)

Since then he’s been very… in love with me I guess. It sort’ve throws me off, but he’s actually cuddling more, saying I love you to me before he gets off the phone and all sorts of normal things.

I never knew I missed those things, but I like them.

So yes, I am perhaps foolish and only asking to get hurt again later, but I love Ricky. It makes forgiving him much easier then it should. I can PROMISE you though that my love is a little less unconditional now. It is much more wary.

If he does it to me for a third time, I will punch him, consequences be damned.

I asked him what would happen if Julia had said yes, or if Julia and Jun ever broke up. He replied with “nothing.”

Regardless, if Julia and Jun ever do breakup, I will be terrified.