I want to live my life more this year. I’m turning 21 afterall this August. ^.~ but hey, I graduate college in a year and a half and I want to make the best of my life now while I still can. I don’t want to look back at college and regret that I was a hobbit the entire time. Maybe be a little less judging of people… anyway, the point is, I’ll try. I made steps a little while ago over some of the things I want to be different about myself and I think I can actually say… they’re doing well. How well everything holds up when I’ve gone back to Chicago though… I know that’s the real test. When I’m here in Maine I can speak big words but I mean, it’s not like my parents can really make me depressed and stuff.

Inch by inch I’m getting a little more back to the person I was before High School taught me to shut up and know my place. I think that’s what I hated most about High School.. I was always too afraid to step out of that comfortable little bubble I had in school where at east I didn’t get made fun of to my face everyday. Moving to my wonderful little Chicago gave me a chance to break away from that and I never really took it at first. For months I didn’t even have friends until Holy and then from Holly came Daniel and Peter who I really didn’t even consider my friends for the longest time. Now I can proudly say to myself that I view that differently.

I can be a little less afraid and a little less timid… ha… in the past there’s people online who would’ve fallen over laughing at the idea of me a shy or timid person, but that’s seriously who I am “in real life.”

Anyway, I digress. But to start…

Thank you Claire for your last msg. ^.^ And I’m sorry for what I said when we stopped talking for awhile…

Hmm, even though a good deal of people won’t actually read this, I suppose I’ll say it anyway.

I’m sorry Peter for believing people when they told me you wouldn’t listen if I tried to talk to you.

Sorry to Josh if I ever gave you the wrong idea, and I’m sorry for the times I snapped at you.

I’m sorry to Allie for making her make a choice I don’t think she ever realized she made…

And Pookie. “you can be in a crowded room and feel most alone you ever have in your life.”

which is very much how I feel right now. The most important thing to me in my life is my support friends. I can’t take when I don’t have them. Things build up and I get really really depressed. Not even happy things make me smile and the ones that are there are fake. I’m happy Madelin is coming, really. I can’t wait to see her.

I just wish that other things like… my website… and the people with it weren’t drifting away with the tide. I know I’ve said it. I know people have said they weren’t drifting, but I’m not blind.

I miss feeling loved…like…really. Not the my parents love me kind, but when friends are there for you even when you’re wrong kind.

I’ll find it, one day I know. Just right now I’m drowning and there’s nobody there to save me. My lifeline took a hike for a week and I think it’s the worst thing that could’ve happened. Now I just feel pissed off and sad. I might not be in love with him, but Josh is still the one I talk too. I know you’re there Pookie but sometimes you’re just…not there.

I don’t like calling people anymore. They don’t answer or they don’t call back or get off the phone with me. I feel rejected. It sucks.

I don’t know. I’m so confused these days.

I’m lost, confused, trapped and alone.
This world is surrounding me, entrapping me,
and I’m looking to and fro.
Drowning and Suffocating, drained and despaired.

Please help me, find my misguided soul.
Show me the way out of this labrynth of melancholy
Lead my along roads better lit
and save me from the ghouls in my head.

I’m sure I’ll meet new people. Really. I mean, it’s the whole reason I wanted to leave Maine. Meet some new friends, get a new boyfriend… all of it. But yeah, I’ll add more to this when I get back from lunch. You and I journal have a long date with my subconscious.

*sighs* I know people can say I can talk to them, but to some I can’t. Like Rando is trying to understand and be there, but I just don’t talk to him anymore. And Pookie’s just to busy to bother these days. We’ve barely talked for the last few weeks, which totally sucks, and Claire and I haven’t really talked since we fought. I still have Tab – speaking of the devil, she just im’d me. I’m glad we started talking again, it’s really good. *massive hugs @ the Tab area*

By the way, I’m just wasting time while Shauna gets my clothes. So yeah. Getting big fear out of the way with Tab now. Like about boyfriends. Ok, finish after…

It thats Jinx, no she can’t have a ride. I don’t feel like dragging my ass over to her house cause she’s lazy. And wasting my gas.

Good. It wasn’t.

Anyway, I have to pee and there’s some strange dude in my bathroom.

Hahaaa.

He’s fixing the floor.

And I’m not wearing pants. Good thing there’s jammies like… over there. Yeah, see them? Mhm.

My room… is a mess.

I have senior banquet today. Yey. Not. Maybe it’ll be fun, but who knows. It looks cold out and like… all the sutff they planned is for outside. And they said the inside wasn’t heated. *bundles up*

I have marching practise tomorrow. Who the fuck in the world decided that marching should be done at like friggin 9:30am? Were they on crack? Why the hell would we want to wake up that friggin early after finally getting through with schools. Stupid mother f….

So Dad puts Zoei in my room. At 8am. Barking. Jumping. There’s like cables n shit all over the place from my laptop. Smart move moron…

Yeah, still upset that cynical isn’t an option. I’ll probably settle for sarcastic. Damn. Now Pookie has me wanting to listen to Cinematic. I should grab my cd player. And some batteries… and a book. PoA would be good. And my notepad. Can’t leave that behind.

Wtf sarcastic isn’t on here either! Gimme some annoyed emotions people! Is annoyed even on here? It better be!

Alright, it was, but since everything else wasn’t I chose aggravated instead. Good nuff methinks.

My feet are getting cold. Yeah, the fan’s on in my room, that could be it.

I still have to pee.

So I have like 4 posters to hang up and no place to put them. Haha… you can only tell slightly I’m a HP fan by looking in my room. Gotta get that Johnny poster up. He’s over there. Getting bent. Damn it. Sexy men should not be bent.

I need to shower people! And pee. For chrissakes, get out of my bathroom!

And fix my o key. It’s making me angry. Damn friggin key for breaking. I’ll fix it at some point… or not probably. Who the hell decided laptop keys shouldn’t be like keyboard keys? He’s a moron too.

I should make a CD or something here with all my pretty music.

Mwahaha. Headstrong is playing. Yey.

I’m hungry, but there’s no food so I know it’s pointless to look you know? For some reason my stomach doesn’t believe me. Shush stupid stomaach you can survive till dinner or till when you can steal food off like…Brian. He’s good at finding food. Maybe it’s a… heh… nvm, won’t say that.

Oh hey it wasn’t Headstrong it was I’m Gone by 3 Doors Down. Nearly as good I suppose. Ooooh, are they out of my bathroom now??

…No. Dammit. It’s like 8 by 7 dude, how long can it take???!!!!

Need shower. It can wait like 2 hours though I guess. But I’m itchy. AND I CANT WAIT TWO HOURS TO PEE!

I was supposed to be asleep during all this, but no my Dad can’t put Zoei IN THE COMPUTER ROOM!

Hmph.

K, don’t feel like listening to Lonely but Garden of Everything is cool. Score one for 6 minute songs.

Hmm…post more later I guess.

And yes, I still have to pee.

Jinxsed is good… mods are going good…

*sighs and sits down* I wish the people online were closer to me physically. I’d kill to be able to just run over ot one of their houses and hang out. Maybe moving will be good for me. I’ll get a chance to meet more and new people like myself. Especially at an art school in web design. Hopefully drawing isn’t all that important because well… I suck.

I mean, yeah I’m ok at computer graphics manipulation and stuff but thats as far as it goes. I used to be able to draw, it just was never my thing.

Don’t worry Pookie, she really doesn’t matter to me anymore. Just remember, half my passwords are still involve her birthday. Nothing has crossed my mind to even think about her normally anymore. Him either. One day I’ll see them again and laugh because they were so truly pathetic. So so truly scared that I would come between them. If they had to be that nervous over one girl then I pity their relationship anyway. Maybe thats the emotion I have for her now. Pity. She’ll never go anywhere and never be anything and I don’t care anymore. I flip off Jerry ever time I pass his house. It’s good to get the aggression out.

Scaredy cats really. You know what the one thing I’d say to her if I saw her?

I want my stuff back bitch.

It just seems like she doesn’t even care anymore… she doesn’t care about Tsuki at all, even though it was the responsibilities she had first… I understand she’s a moderator at HPB but she was first an administrator at Tsuki and she made promisies to me she didn’t keep. Why does it matter if Allie is closer to me? Maybe she is because even though she thought I was closer to Dusty, she didn’t care. She was just happy to talk to me. It’s odd. I’m jealous of her sometimes because she lives close enough to me to visit me and Allie doesn’t.

Why do friends have to even care who is closer to who? Tab, Lith, Randy, Rando, Claire, Allie…all of them mean the world to me. Each one of them has helped shaped me into the person I have become and saved me more then once. There are times when their words are probably the only thing that kept me from being a manic depressive or something akin to that.

“I’m alive but I’m alone, but part of me is fighting this and part of me is gone…”

They all make up a part of me…and Dusty is a big piece…………………..

Oh Allie. I know most times you’re the only person who reads this. Probably the only person who cares about my personal life enough too. My biggest fear – my big big fear is…being forgotten. I don’t want to live life and never be known for anything. Honestly, conceitedness and self-centeredness of it all – that’s one of the larger reasons why I try to run a web site.

I’m so tired of being depressed, so tired of being needy. I wish I could just give myself a quick kick in the ass and be my real self again. But it’s so hard when I feel like even Jinx takes me for granted. Sometimes I wonder if she even wants me at the same college as her. I have a lot of underlying feelings that I’m just unwanted in everything I do. I changed my schedule today because I knew right off that Jinx wasn’t even going to recognize I was there. So I edited my schedule and set it up so that my independent study was with one of the teachers I like, at the same time as Brian’s class. Brian is good people. I like him a lot. It was a rather nice boost to my same ego when he said; “Now I know why Jinx hangs out with you, it’s a lot of fun.” but when I said that to Jinx she’s like…No, that’s not why. Sometimes she can be a really big bitch without realizing it at all. Yesterday I was like…trapped into taking her grocery shopping, I basically had said in every way possible without directly saying it that I didn’t want to. “I have no gas Jinx. None.” I dropped her off at her house, and left. “Just call me later or whatever.” she calls me in an hour; “Just let me fucking wake up.” And then when I was promised lunch, she wanted to make it Chinese. Ok, I don’t like Chinese food. Hell honestly, I like a rather odd combination of food. But it just pissed me off because she knows I don’t like it. In the grocery store I just followed her around with the cart. I don’t even like shopping when there’s no benefit for me – I’m just one of those people. I can’t stand window shopping. She was trying to yell at my for playing on the cart too. And *gasp* I laid on the back of the damn chair.

Everything was just leading to one really pissed off Andi. I don’t know if she’s honestly getting jealous that I’m spending time with Brian or not, but I rather like having two friends. Brian’s getting tired of hanging out with the same people day after day and really, so am I. It’s just the same thing day after day and college seems so far and so close at the same time. Ok – Brian may not be the most handsome guy in the world, but he’s a sweetheart. ^^; Though you’d have to know him to understand that I think. I kinda do want to go to prom with him – he doesn’t have a date, I don’t have a date, he’s he’s the one pushing me to ask someone. (And just plain go for that matter.) He says he likes someone I know rather well, and it’s not Jinx. That sadly, does eliminate a lot of people. And I’m really glad it’s not Jinx. She was like…”Thank God.” when I told her it wasn’t him. For someone who’s beginning to like the kid…that stings. I wanted to smack her right there in the car. She’s so vain. The only people she really likes are pretty boys.

>.< I probably shouldn’t be talking about one of my only friends like that but…I needed to get it all off my chest. Sometime there’s only so much you can take and I passed that point a month ago. I wonder half the time if we only hang out because neither of us has anything better to do. So I like hanging out with Brian. It gives me something better to do.

But I guess I am finally moving on…a little. I still miss Jerry a lot though – as a best friend. He said before that he comes in to see Sturk a lot and now that I have him, maybe I’ll get a chance to see Jerry and at least talk to him one last time. The last time I saw him was so…unresolved.

I guess that’s it.

-Andi

Some people have come and gone… some more sadly then others. But then there’s the special ones that stick around ever when they stop being involved in the site. Madelin. There’s the ones that’re always there for me – Claire and Allie. And those ones that while sometimes you want to strange, your memories with them go just as deep – Tab and Rando.

My year hasn’t exactly been the greatest, but all through this time these people have been there for me. And whether or not they even ever read this journal entry is irrelevant, I’m still going to say this – Thank You.

And thank you to all the students you cross my site daily. Even without playing an physical impact on my life you do. Because it’s you people who continue to come back everyday not knowing what to expect from me next.

Arigotou minna-san. And Konbanwa.

It’s hard to accept going from being close enough to read eachother’s minds, knowing just when to pick up the phone cause she’s going to call, to accepting the fact she doesn’t bother to keep me in her life anymore. Yeah, I’d say that stings. I think Allie lost all respect for her a little while ago…maybe Dusty too, I dunno. I just know I did. The minute I realized I wasn’t part of her life anymore. She had “obligations” I wasn’t a part of.

I hate that I went from having two people I was really close to, to none in under a month. In the span of two weeks I probably lost forever the two people that I could count on on a physical basis. Jerry and Sarah were the people I was the closest too and I feel like one girl managed to take them both away from me. One girl who i thought I could count on and trust with everything in me.

Allie and Dusty are the best people anyone could hope for. I know I’ve said this, but you can never brag to much about the people who let you whine to them constantly and they never tell you to suck it up. They’re always there for me telling me I’m better then them anyway, and why would I want a friend like her anyway. Both always have the perfect words to say to me to pull my day up and make it just a little better.

I’m abandoning my website again, which I hate. It’s just been so hard emotionally to get a grip on anything. What with the whole Mom mentioning Dad and her weren’t doing to well and then blaming it on me, then telling me that it wasn’t my fault, my car breaking down and me having to take the bus it’s just all… out of reach.

I want to get out of this place and off to college, I want Jinxsie and I to both go to Pittsburg. I’m afraid too. Afraid I’ll be alone again. And I’m so scared of that idea. I’ve been left alone so much. Even surrounded by people who love me I feel so isolated sometimes.

~ Me

I have two friends who I wish I knew more then just online. They probably know more about me then anyone offline does, and have been there for me far more emotionally then anyone in my constantly changing life has. Allie and Claire listen to me rant and rave about everything in my life and are always there to tell me what to do. WHen I talk to them, I don’t get a suck it up and deal, I get a well maybe you should do this…or an honest, maybe it’s just time to give up on this one and move on with life.

They’re the ones who help keep me tied down to the things I should stick with, the ones that no matter how much other things change, they stay constant. I love them for that. No matter how hopeless continuing to run my website looks sometimes, these two are around to say well, I’ll help out however you can, what do you think of doing this?

I love how they’re always there for me above anyone else. They don’t care if their not currently fighting with the other friend, if I am then they are too, we stick together. Above all they’re *my* friend, not everyone and their uncles.

Anywho point – never forget how important some people are to you. The ones who’re there for you who you see – and – the ones who you don’t.

~Andi