It was… probably tied for first in worst day of my life thus yet. First Ricky stomped on my heart, then he decided to pick it up, fluff it out a little before stabbing it repeatedly.

I should not still be dating that man.

Unfortunatly, I love him.

It all started out Friday, with Ricky asking me if I was happy. I told him yes I was (because I am usually.). After a bit of talking somehow we just went about other things. Sunday however I’m chilling and wondering if Ricky is happy, and I get a big fat no for an answer. He doesn’t know why, and I’m startinng to get the “It’s not you, it’s me.” breakup speech. How I deserve better then him, how I love him so much more then he loves me. Basically I asked him if that’s what was happening and got a yes.

So while I’m crying hysterically on the couch (we’re being honest here. There was lots of near-hyperventilating) Ricky goes out for a walk. When he comes back he decides that our relationship might not be what’s making him not happy, and so we decide to stay together.

For some reason, half an hour later, I get this.

“I’ll be completely honest with you. I think I could live my life with you and be happy, but I’m in love with someone else. I have been for a long time. My brothers know it, my friends know it, and I think you know it.”

So while my heart is crumbling to tiny little pieces, I eventually get up and go to the bedroom. At this point I’m both heartbroken and furious. He’s attempting to apologize (I think) while I’m locking him out of the bedroom and furiously throwing pillows at the wall because it’s probably better then throwing things at Ricky’s face.

After awhile Ricky comes back and I leave the room and he has the BALLS to tell me to not be angry. Ooohhh didn’t that get a reaction out of me. I’m pretty sure my reply was something along these lines “You DO NOT get to telll me to not be angry. I CANNOT live my life wondering when the next time you’re going to tell me you’re in love with Julia is. I can NOT live my life like that.” And for once in my life, I actually was shouting in full furious Andi mode. I proudly resisted the urge to be an ass myself and didn’t tell him that Julia didn’t love him and probably never would. (Oh though it was so tempting.)

So I’m furious at this point because this is the second time Ricky has done this to me (and yes, I promise you, he walks a very fine line for awhile.) He asked me before the “I love someone else” line what I was going to do. I gave him the answer that I usually do. “Go home.” he still wants to be “friends” and I’m attempting to explain to him that no, I cannot be just friends with him. I can’t go from havinng everything to having only half. It doesn’t work that way. Plus we all know that I can’t be best friends with guys. I just fall for them, and in this case I already had.

So I’m assuming that during Breakup Part 2 he’s realizing that once I’m gone, I’m GONE. Not coming back no hello later sort’ve gone.

Anyways, because I love the asshole, I do indeed not breakup with him. (Though my trust for him is at about the -5 area.) I’ve had that eerie feeling that this has been coming for a long time, and I finally explained to Ricky that the reason I have Kairi is because if he leaves me I know I can’t be alone.

Monday Ricky explains to me that he’s told Julia off after asking her if say if they were both single would she go out with him, and her explaining with maybe. I guess this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because Ricky realized that he didn’t want to be with her anyway, and that he was in fact happy with me. (Or something along those lines. All I really cared about at the time was the “never talk to Julia again” aspect.)

Since then he’s been very… in love with me I guess. It sort’ve throws me off, but he’s actually cuddling more, saying I love you to me before he gets off the phone and all sorts of normal things.

I never knew I missed those things, but I like them.

So yes, I am perhaps foolish and only asking to get hurt again later, but I love Ricky. It makes forgiving him much easier then it should. I can PROMISE you though that my love is a little less unconditional now. It is much more wary.

If he does it to me for a third time, I will punch him, consequences be damned.

I asked him what would happen if Julia had said yes, or if Julia and Jun ever broke up. He replied with “nothing.”

Regardless, if Julia and Jun ever do breakup, I will be terrified.

Heh. So Peter told me again today that he has no interest in Holly, which makes me overall feel a lot better.

But anyway, he asked what’s going on and telling someone else made me feel better so I’d figured I’d do it again.

I’m upset that Holly lied to me about trusting me.
I’m pissed off that Holly doesn’t trust Peter and I, we’re friends, she should be able to have faith that Peter and I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt her like that. (I say like that because we rather evilly planned to go do something together just to piss her off because it would make her jealous.)
I’m angry that she felt the need to cut class early because she was jealous that Peter and I were going to get dinner while waiting for her.
I’m also upset that she blamed me for her being emo.
I’m pissed that she’s a hypocrite about clothing. If she can call mine slutty, I can tell her that she dresses like a man.
I’m extremely pissed that she has no idea why I’m mad at her.
I’m tired as hell of walking on tippy toes around her when Peter’s made it obvious that he has no feelings for her.
I’m annoyed that I ever had to do it in the first place.
I’m pissed that it’s obvious she’d rather Peter and I weren’t even friends at all.

I’m never a nice person when I’m being a bitch. But that would take away the point now wouldn’t it?

Here’s my Myspace post.

My favorite hobby in life is to ignore everything, so I’m going to keep doing that right now. Blasting music makes it all go away. Stop pretending like you didn’t say anything to me.

You blamed me for you being emo.

You lied to me when you said you trusted me.

I have no patience for your crap right now. I’ve spent enough time worrying about you, now I’m going to worry about my own mental state.

Guess what? I wanna go home.

It’s been like… 4 months since I saw my family. I miss them. I miss sanity, I miss privacy, I miss having my own room. I miss being alone. I miss having other people who are physically here to talk to. I miss Apple picking and I miss the fair. I miss the stars and my dog.

I miss not arguing every day.

Ha. I’ve been such a bitch lately. And in 4 months, I’ve never felt more alive.

She’ll tell him tomorrow that I’m a bitch probably. If he asks, I’ll tell the truth. I am. But only because she’s drove me to insanity.

I’ve been with Holly almost non-stop since… July. 4 months. Day in and day out with another female.

That’s more time then I spent with my sister growing up.

If you ask me, I’ll tell you that I’m ignoring Holly because I’m angry. Because I don’t feel like talking to her and because I know when I do talk to her I’ll snap more then I already am.

I love how me being pissy makes her pissier and thus me royally pissed off.

She tried to piss me off too.

I think it’s funny. I wonder if I could do the same thing? Probably.

But then I’d be sinking to her level. This is more fun.

The irony is that I always blamed myself for Holly being depressed until she actually blamed me for it. Then I was like… wtf? Go to hell.

Now I’m like.. OMG FREEDOM FROM GUILT!

I never did anything wrong enough that I’m still being blamed for it months later. That’s crap. And I’m tired.

I don’t. Ha. I’ve spent enough time caring. I’m tired of just not letting any of the shit that happens bother me.

I’m really tired of the people who pretend that they’re the only ones with problems. You’re not. Shut up.

You’re upset angry and whatever, yeah well… fuck you because I am too.

You’re the one who calls me clothes slutty. I think that gives me the right to tell you that you dress like a man.

You know, I had calmed down for awhile.

Now I’m not.

To quote the Great Malinko

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck em all.

Seriously… it’s just like… what the hell? I’m friggin done with feeling guilty.

I just want her to leave me the fuck alone. Right now, I want to strangle someone. I’m pissed off, and angry. I said that.

How DARE you LIE to me when you’re LYING TO ME BECAUSE I LIED TO YOU!

-BITCH-

How dare you FUCKING get angry at me because I have the same feelings you do?

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY FOR SOMETHING I WANT SO MUCH.

GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT GUILT

Ever since I moved in with you, ALL YOU’VE DONE IS MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY! MAKE ME HATE MYSELF FOR ACTIONS WHICH WERE ANYTHING BUT GUILTY!

How dare you try and make me regret something that’s keeping me alive right now, how dare you THROW IT IN MY FACE!

HOW DARE YOU FUCKING BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN YOUR LIFE YOU GOD DAMN BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your life sucks because you let it! People tell you that you dress like a man BECAUSE YOU DO! People tell you that you used to look like a man because you had more muscles then most guys. Because you took steroids.

How dare you make me feel like shit because the guy we both like LIKED ME.

Do you know why?

Because I’m pissed off. For some reason, that’s put me in an extraordinarily good mood.

Dead serious.

I’m like… FUCKING RIGHT I’M PISSED

Happy.

It kinda scares me, but since it’s making me happy, I don’t care.

She pretends that she hasn’t done anything.

So in the end, I feel justified in this.

There’s only two men I trust. One is me. The other is not you.
The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend.
I don’t have to take this abuse from you, I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.
The truth is like sunlight. People used to think it’s good for you.
A lie told often enough becomes the truth.
Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth.
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also admit that some things are much more nearly certain than others.

Dammit. I’m not even in the mood to hash out what happened. All I can say is that my mind had pretty much been cracked ice lately and someone finally threw the rock that caused it to break. I’m still breaking apart right now. You know, at least my birthday went over well. I got 5 gazillion Happy Birthdays from the people important to me, and that made me really really happy. My birthday has always been the like.. most important day of the year to me, so that so many people actually card and remembered, was something that even right now manages to cheer me up some. It makes me want to listen to my voice mails again because I know more people called me last Sunday then in the last like… 3 weeks combined. Damn, even Sprinkles and Sara Bretton remembered it was my birthday!! And Randy made a last-minute appearance at 2am and got to see me. That made my friggin month.

The last few days have been such a roller coaster. I’ve been having a lot of fun with Josh but at the same time I’ve been like dead and drained from the breaking and fighting with the boys. Holly’s like… going home next weekend or something which is probably good for both of us. I’ll get some time to myself which I’ve been seriously needing. As it is, I need to talk to Randy today to just vent out and get out everything that’s been bothering me lately. I’m not ever sure where I want to go with my life right now, it’s that serious. I know that Holly’s my best friend and everything, and she’ll make up with the boys a lot faster then I will. Or maybe it’s more that I don’t *want* to make up with the boys. Honestly, I think the best thing for me right now would just be some time where I didn’t have to deal with them at all and I know that I’m not going to get that here. The guys have managed to shake my resolutions again, managed to make it so that I wondered if dealing with people on a regular basis was a great idea. It just seems that whenever something happens they forget how hard it is that I’m already trying to change and try to throw another set of things at me to do then too.

It just feels like all my friends expect me to do is change everything that makes me, me. All the things I stand for, all the things that yeah, I screw up on and the things I have a tendency to do when I get upset and sad. It’s so hard because everything I do when I get scared they attack as well. It’s like, no matter what I do I’m getting attacked from all sides of me at once, and it’s so not fair. I’m always expected to remember that I’m the least important person to them and that before I let something bother me I need to make sure everything else is ok first. Sometimes it just seems like they’re concerned with making sure Holly’s ok before anything else. I was breaking down, but I’m supposed to make sure that Holly’s ok because she went looking for me.

You know what, I did. I asked Josh to make sure that Holly was ok as soon as I got somewhat of a grip over my emotions. I knew that me breaking and not being able to talk to Holly hurt her and I felt horrible for doing it while I did. I’m always more concerned for her well-being over mine, but as soon as I need to actually take care of something that’s about me, I get yelled at for it. I apologized more to Josh in the last few days then I think I’ve apologized in my entire life.

And you know what else they did? And they being Peter and Holly right now. They fucking drugged mine and Josh’s drinks. It doesn’t fucking matter that it was like… 99 cent libido crap. The point is, they fucking put something in my drink and the only reason I found out was because I poured half my drink into Josh’s and then for some reason I think I poured my half into another cup and I found the undissolved pill at the bottom. WHAT THE FUCK???!!! That’s not friggin funny. All I’d been hearing for the last few weeks was crap about things and it’s fucking ridiculous. I’ll do what I want when I want to with who I want to. I don’t fucking need peer pressure about shit. I’m sorry if I want it to be more then a one-night stand. I apologize for having god-damn morals.