I sortve love this drive to round lake because it’s quiet and one of those few times where ricky and I just get to listen to music and talk. I’m pretty sure that an iPhone is one of thosethngs where when you get one, you’re never the same afterwards. You’d have to pry this thing out of my cold dead fingers. It’s nice to not has to lug around whatever massive book reading as well.
I want to hang out wihe mike but I feel like it would be weird. I’ve stayed away from the whole friends with guys things since peter. It’s nowhere near he same thing though I guess. I had feelings for peter and mike is just my friend, but I’m just scared. Mike is my first real friend that I didn’t inherit jus by beings friends with ricky since the whole thing with holly. I mostly talk to mike on the Internet so it’s been safe until now.

Maybe cause I really wanted to do something today, maybe it’s PMS, I don’t know, I don’t care, I just know that I felt rather… lonely? Holly’s been modeling the entire day so she really hasn’t done anything and then like… I wanted her to try out the last.fm radio and when I was having trouble she was just like.. “Thanks and all but I really just was to model and listen to my music…” I was all sad and angry I think cause like.. all I do is computer stuff…

Plus I’m like… wavering on other things cause like… I think I just want to pass it off as Peter just being drunk. It’s… so much easier to handle if I just don’t take anything seriously so I don’t.

And then like… people are getting upset with my because I lock my computer. Everyone’s all like… “Is there something you’re keeping from me? Do you not trust us?” But like… I just like it locked. I mean… you even admitted that once when I was upset with you people you tried looking at my livejournal and I keep everything set on auto-login… and Peter was reading my conversations with Randy the other day which isn’t cool cause Randy’s who I talk to about him…

And then Holly was like… all upset that I don’t talk about Peter with her… Honestly, why the hell would I? Peter’s always been a touchy subject between the two of us and why would I suddenly want to start talking to her about the metal malfunctions he causes me? I realize that like.. I usually tell her everything but there’s things she doesn’t tell me, so why do I have to tell her everything?

I’ve always been super over-protective of my journals anyway. I’m afraid because I don’t like many people seeing the stuff that literally goes on in my head since that’s what goes down here… livejournal is my guilty concience, my rational, the voices in my head. Plus this is a side of me that I really don’t like showing people… so why wouldn’t I be? I panic way more and angst way more then people normally think I do. I’m already anti-social enough, I don’t need people thinking I’m wacko to help people not talk to me.

Plus… not that I’m not beating a dead horse here, cause I know I am… it’s like.. Argh. Ebil Peter. I finally manage to beat down most of the emotions I had for him and in like 3 days he manages to ruin it. Damn him and his control over me!

Sigh.

I miss having a male best friend actually here that I can just curl up with and watch movies. I miss having friends I don’t live with. I understand that I don’t need to go see people because my apartment is the pimp house that everyone else calls home, but still. I almost miss the days when people like managed to actually get me to do things. I don’t know what it was.

At the same time, I really wish most people would leave me the hell alone. I get like 6 hours maybe alone a week. It’s driving me absolutly insane since I’ve always been a person who more then valued their privacy. It’s not that I don’t like living with my best friend – it’s great, but like… get out. Lol. Even the time I have while Holly’s in class is invaded by Daniel, and then it’s like.. argh. I don’t know. I’m just around the same people so much that I’m going absolutly insane at seeing them 24/7.

And I really don’t want to have to choose. Because Holly’s blatently told me that if I get involved with Peter, I would be making the choice between him and her… and that just.. I don’t want to lose either of them. It’s selfish and I really don’t care. Holly’s my best friend and Peter… he’s… you know. I don’t know what I’d do without either of them, and I’m afraid that the day is going to come where I’ll have to learn.

Honestly.. I don’t even know why I tag my journal entries anymore, cause they’re all usually involving Peter.

I’m pathetic.

I just want answers… for so long.. all I’ve wanted is answers to my questions. I hate life and it’s never ending supply of questions.