(Taken from Dusty)

Swing, Swing – The All-American Rejects
Dance, Dance – Fallout Boy
The Gift – Seether
Smile Like You Mean It – The Killers
Move – Thousand Foot Krutch
Disconnected (Out of Touch) – Trapt
Somebody Told Me – The Killers

–

I want to live my life more this year. I’m turning 21 afterall this August. ^.~ but hey, I graduate college in a year and a half and I want to make the best of my life now while I still can. I don’t want to look back at college and regret that I was a hobbit the entire time. Maybe be a little less judging of people… anyway, the point is, I’ll try. I made steps a little while ago over some of the things I want to be different about myself and I think I can actually say… they’re doing well. How well everything holds up when I’ve gone back to Chicago though… I know that’s the real test. When I’m here in Maine I can speak big words but I mean, it’s not like my parents can really make me depressed and stuff.

Inch by inch I’m getting a little more back to the person I was before High School taught me to shut up and know my place. I think that’s what I hated most about High School.. I was always too afraid to step out of that comfortable little bubble I had in school where at east I didn’t get made fun of to my face everyday. Moving to my wonderful little Chicago gave me a chance to break away from that and I never really took it at first. For months I didn’t even have friends until Holy and then from Holly came Daniel and Peter who I really didn’t even consider my friends for the longest time. Now I can proudly say to myself that I view that differently.

I can be a little less afraid and a little less timid… ha… in the past there’s people online who would’ve fallen over laughing at the idea of me a shy or timid person, but that’s seriously who I am “in real life.”

Anyway, I digress. But to start…

Thank you Claire for your last msg. ^.^ And I’m sorry for what I said when we stopped talking for awhile…

Hmm, even though a good deal of people won’t actually read this, I suppose I’ll say it anyway.

I’m sorry Peter for believing people when they told me you wouldn’t listen if I tried to talk to you.

Sorry to Josh if I ever gave you the wrong idea, and I’m sorry for the times I snapped at you.

I’m sorry to Allie for making her make a choice I don’t think she ever realized she made…

How many songs: 401

Sort by song title:
First Song: “When I’m Gone” 3 Doors Down
Last Song: “Ocean Avenue” Yellow Card

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: “Bohemian Rhapsody” Constantine Maroulos
Longest Song: “New Begining” Trapt

Sort by album:
First Album: 200 Km/H In the Wrong Direction (T.A.T.U)
Last Album: Yourself or Someonelike You (Matchbox 20)
Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. “Broken” Seether
2. “45″ Shinedown
3. “Cold” Crossfade
4. “Remedy” Seether
5. “Breaking the Habit” Linkin Park

Type in:
“sex”, how many songs come up? 4
“death”, how many songs come up? 2
“love”, how many songs come up? 30
“you”, how many songs come up? 105

I’m sure I’ll meet new people. Really. I mean, it’s the whole reason I wanted to leave Maine. Meet some new friends, get a new boyfriend… all of it. But yeah, I’ll add more to this when I get back from lunch. You and I journal have a long date with my subconscious.

*sighs* I know people can say I can talk to them, but to some I can’t. Like Rando is trying to understand and be there, but I just don’t talk to him anymore. And Pookie’s just to busy to bother these days. We’ve barely talked for the last few weeks, which totally sucks, and Claire and I haven’t really talked since we fought. I still have Tab – speaking of the devil, she just im’d me. I’m glad we started talking again, it’s really good. *massive hugs @ the Tab area*

By the way, I’m just wasting time while Shauna gets my clothes. So yeah. Getting big fear out of the way with Tab now. Like about boyfriends. Ok, finish after…

And it’s my fault. Moo. Oom.

I want my friend back.

*thinks of the song and hunts it out*

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it’ll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with

I always know which friends I’m going to lose the hardest, because they’re the ones that I never fight with. Madelin who I never fought with and I are still friends, but nowhere near to the extent we used to be. Sarah “moved past” our friendship, and now Clairey who I can’t even get ahold of anymore.

*sighs*

I should just resign to move on. But I don’t want to. With Dusty it was so…sudden. One day we were laughing, she was visiting me, and then the next we were completely falling apart. Sometimes I want to go back and change exactly what I did and others I still don’t know where we went wrong.

But I think Rando’s right…sometimes your pride can be slain if you know that the friendship you had was more important. Take the fall and then just be glad to have your friend, or know that you took the chance. I know I can contact her…if even through the HPB boards that I hate so much…but… I just want my friend back.

…I will. I’m going to. It’s at least better to try and fail then to have never tried at all, right?

Right.

But you know what? It still won’t change the fact that we fogged up the windows sitting at wendys while Jinx tried to eat my car.

Or that my voice message still says Claire stole it.

Or that I raced to North Conway in half the time it should’ve taken my to visit someone for an hour and a half to sit in a ski booth in McDonalds.

Or that I have a *horde* of pictures.

And that I want more of that fudge – it was yummy.

Or the hundreds of conversations we’ve had over the two years or so it’s been.

That we’ve only argued twice in two years.

Or that I’ve resorted to talking to her through her journal.

That she’s still the second person on speedial on my phone.

Or because no matter what – for the last two years at least, she’s been my best friend and one of the two people in this world I could ever talk to, and the first to just accept me as me.

And now, then, in the future, she’ll still always be my Dusty.

I’m actually not depressed right now, but for some reason a returning post of that poem shouted to me, maybe because I frist wrote it when I was about to lose Sarah, and now I’ve lost Claire too.

It really…sucks. Claire was one of the first people – maybe the only person – I’ve ever known who first met me for me. No prejudgements, no words of wisdom, just one girl meeting another, and she’s gone. I’ve lost her to newer people and newer interests.

Argh, I can really be a horrible person. That’s what like 3 times now I’ve lost someone *because* I was losing them? When I’m scared and afraid – I react angrily (why do you people think I don’t drink? I’m afriad of the reaction) and lash out at the people who I’m afriad are going to hurt me before they do. I knew Claire was losing interest in Tsuki, and I was afraid that with that as it often happens, she’d lose interest in me too.

Why can’t I support you in new interests? Because with new interests means less attention in other places.

Because it stung every day when I’d look, and you’d be like oh I had a great time with all these people, and you know, not often did you mention having a great time with us anymore. So no, I don’t support new interests that take away some of the most important people in my life. You were always mentioning this person or that person from over there. I’d try to talk to you and I’d be fighting for your attention with them. I’d try and ask you to work on Tsuki so it could become something we could all be proud of, and maybe make one of my oldest dreams come true. Before I was even a web designer I wanted a beautiful popular website. And my continual needing of approval self knows it’s because of a past I won’t get into because I whine about it. A lot.

But then, I could also say – screw you this is my journal and the point of having my journal is to whine and blather on because it doesn’t react or respond. But I won’t.

But I am watching two girls who were practically best friends stop because of a game, and a message board.

Claire think of it this way – You hate me saying Allie was more important, replace Allie a few time over with all your HPB friends and instead of recently, that’s how I’ve felt for the months it’s been since you joined HPB.

I should just be glad for the times we had. But I won’t, and I will. I’m horrible at grieving.

He stares with all his heart and soul
just to watch her walk away
a man cries and falls to the floor
how could I have let her go?

She walked away without word
but he missed the tears in her eyes
she waits for him to say the words
Baby please don’t go.

The door closes and she leaves the room
she’ll be on the next plane tomarrow
he hopes for all he can and prays
that she don’t leave him and go

he rushes across the crowded room
missing her more by the minute
the planes about to take off
and all he can do… is watch her go.

she takes her seat and buckles up
she looks out the window
and she can almost here him whisper words
Baby I love you, please don’t go.

She rushes off the plane
and looks around the room
she spots him in a millisecond
and then she tells him, I couldn’t go.

they walk away hand in hand
she’s finally at peace
she now has heard him say,
Baby, please don’t go.

Andi’s far more pissed off then she ever has been at someone online. A new record has been set.

Here’s a few reasons why – Lying, Ignoring responsibilities, Abandoning the friends you had first, and throw that all in with a lot of broken promises.

For a girl who had a lot of faith and trust in someone, to have it broken off so easily leaves one pissed off girl.

It just seems like she doesn’t even care anymore… she doesn’t care about Tsuki at all, even though it was the responsibilities she had first… I understand she’s a moderator at HPB but she was first an administrator at Tsuki and she made promisies to me she didn’t keep. Why does it matter if Allie is closer to me? Maybe she is because even though she thought I was closer to Dusty, she didn’t care. She was just happy to talk to me. It’s odd. I’m jealous of her sometimes because she lives close enough to me to visit me and Allie doesn’t.

Why do friends have to even care who is closer to who? Tab, Lith, Randy, Rando, Claire, Allie…all of them mean the world to me. Each one of them has helped shaped me into the person I have become and saved me more then once. There are times when their words are probably the only thing that kept me from being a manic depressive or something akin to that.

“I’m alive but I’m alone, but part of me is fighting this and part of me is gone…”

They all make up a part of me…and Dusty is a big piece…………………..