Maybe cause I really wanted to do something today, maybe it’s PMS, I don’t know, I don’t care, I just know that I felt rather… lonely? Holly’s been modeling the entire day so she really hasn’t done anything and then like… I wanted her to try out the last.fm radio and when I was having trouble she was just like.. “Thanks and all but I really just was to model and listen to my music…” I was all sad and angry I think cause like.. all I do is computer stuff…

Plus I’m like… wavering on other things cause like… I think I just want to pass it off as Peter just being drunk. It’s… so much easier to handle if I just don’t take anything seriously so I don’t.

And then like… people are getting upset with my because I lock my computer. Everyone’s all like… “Is there something you’re keeping from me? Do you not trust us?” But like… I just like it locked. I mean… you even admitted that once when I was upset with you people you tried looking at my livejournal and I keep everything set on auto-login… and Peter was reading my conversations with Randy the other day which isn’t cool cause Randy’s who I talk to about him…

And then Holly was like… all upset that I don’t talk about Peter with her… Honestly, why the hell would I? Peter’s always been a touchy subject between the two of us and why would I suddenly want to start talking to her about the metal malfunctions he causes me? I realize that like.. I usually tell her everything but there’s things she doesn’t tell me, so why do I have to tell her everything?

I’ve always been super over-protective of my journals anyway. I’m afraid because I don’t like many people seeing the stuff that literally goes on in my head since that’s what goes down here… livejournal is my guilty concience, my rational, the voices in my head. Plus this is a side of me that I really don’t like showing people… so why wouldn’t I be? I panic way more and angst way more then people normally think I do. I’m already anti-social enough, I don’t need people thinking I’m wacko to help people not talk to me.

Plus… not that I’m not beating a dead horse here, cause I know I am… it’s like.. Argh. Ebil Peter. I finally manage to beat down most of the emotions I had for him and in like 3 days he manages to ruin it. Damn him and his control over me!

Sigh.

I miss having a male best friend actually here that I can just curl up with and watch movies. I miss having friends I don’t live with. I understand that I don’t need to go see people because my apartment is the pimp house that everyone else calls home, but still. I almost miss the days when people like managed to actually get me to do things. I don’t know what it was.

At the same time, I really wish most people would leave me the hell alone. I get like 6 hours maybe alone a week. It’s driving me absolutly insane since I’ve always been a person who more then valued their privacy. It’s not that I don’t like living with my best friend – it’s great, but like… get out. Lol. Even the time I have while Holly’s in class is invaded by Daniel, and then it’s like.. argh. I don’t know. I’m just around the same people so much that I’m going absolutly insane at seeing them 24/7.

And I really don’t want to have to choose. Because Holly’s blatently told me that if I get involved with Peter, I would be making the choice between him and her… and that just.. I don’t want to lose either of them. It’s selfish and I really don’t care. Holly’s my best friend and Peter… he’s… you know. I don’t know what I’d do without either of them, and I’m afraid that the day is going to come where I’ll have to learn.

Honestly.. I don’t even know why I tag my journal entries anymore, cause they’re all usually involving Peter.

I’m pathetic.

I just want answers… for so long.. all I’ve wanted is answers to my questions. I hate life and it’s never ending supply of questions.

Have you ever tried to convince yourself of something you don’t want to believe? That as much as you try to put if off, there’s a part of you saying otherwise no matter how many time you try and just pass it off? That’s like what I’m going through right now. Like no matter how many times I try and convince myself that’s it’s nothing, at the same time I want to believe it’s not. So I really don’t know what to do… or think. I’ve been wanting to write in my livejournal for days even though at the same time, I know there really isn’t anything to say that I haven’t already.

I guess I’m just going to keep convincing myself that it’s nothing… I mean, it’s easier for me then hoping it’s not, isn’t it? Hopes… when it comes to hopes and that I have none. I can’t, cause every time I do, I just get let down. It’s so strange, that I’m almost hoping for nothing… because the last time there wasn’t I got hurt anyway and I just… don’t. Can’t. Won’t. A bit like Meg in Hercules. I won’t say I’m in Love.

Still… there’s a tiny part of me that still has hope, and I don’t know where why or even how it’s still there. I mean, every other time…

Anyway.

It’s nice, I’ve been really happy lately, a little confused, but really happy. I love my scripting classes, and I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time just doing anything and everything with my friends.

But the problem, as always, is that this is Peter. While Peter likes to believe that he is a very straightforward person, he has always been just about anything but. He’s the most confusing person I have ever had the pleasure to know. Just when I thought I’ve figured him out, he goes and throws me for a loop. And I was content with just being happy that he was talking to me like he would an actual friend and stuff unlike… I don’t even know, just before.

I’m seriously starting to believe that it’s his goal in life to just confuse the fuck out of me. As soon as I’m like, WEEE I KNOW… He’s like UGILGYIFJUHYF so I’m like… What’s going onnnnnn????!!!!!

I hate it. I hate not having any control over my emotions or thought when I’m around him. I hate how when given the chance, like this completely opposing force like takes over.

It’s like… ohmygod… wtf… bbq-style.

I WISH MY HEAD WOULD EITHER PICK ONE FUCKING EMOTION OR ANOTHER

Because it’s driving me insane.

Because one second I’m like totally happy, over him and ready for something else

the next I’m like… Ooh, he so totally just like grabbed me out of nowhere when I so much as hinted at another guy

the next I’m like… OMG IM GUNNA KILL WHATEVER BITCH GETS YOU

the next I’m like… ok so as long as he’s happy.

the next I’m like… OH MY GOD WHY DONT YOU FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT ME TOO???!!!

It really fucking sucks.

It’s just like… suck. Lol. There’s no better word for it other then suck. Right now, I’m trying to figure out which of the above is being applied to me at the moment. I’m leaning towards… all of them. ^.~

Hmph. Lol.

Oh on another sucky note, I CAN’T EVEN GET A NEW APARTMENT HERE BECAUSE OF MY FUCKING LOANS.

GRR!! A different apartment would’ve been so nice… I mean, it’s not that I don’t love Holly or else I wouldn’t still be here if not to just get far far away from Peter, but having time to myself is always very high up on my list too.

Hmm… what else is there to report…

Nothing I suppose.

-End

Dammit. I’m not even in the mood to hash out what happened. All I can say is that my mind had pretty much been cracked ice lately and someone finally threw the rock that caused it to break. I’m still breaking apart right now. You know, at least my birthday went over well. I got 5 gazillion Happy Birthdays from the people important to me, and that made me really really happy. My birthday has always been the like.. most important day of the year to me, so that so many people actually card and remembered, was something that even right now manages to cheer me up some. It makes me want to listen to my voice mails again because I know more people called me last Sunday then in the last like… 3 weeks combined. Damn, even Sprinkles and Sara Bretton remembered it was my birthday!! And Randy made a last-minute appearance at 2am and got to see me. That made my friggin month.

The last few days have been such a roller coaster. I’ve been having a lot of fun with Josh but at the same time I’ve been like dead and drained from the breaking and fighting with the boys. Holly’s like… going home next weekend or something which is probably good for both of us. I’ll get some time to myself which I’ve been seriously needing. As it is, I need to talk to Randy today to just vent out and get out everything that’s been bothering me lately. I’m not ever sure where I want to go with my life right now, it’s that serious. I know that Holly’s my best friend and everything, and she’ll make up with the boys a lot faster then I will. Or maybe it’s more that I don’t *want* to make up with the boys. Honestly, I think the best thing for me right now would just be some time where I didn’t have to deal with them at all and I know that I’m not going to get that here. The guys have managed to shake my resolutions again, managed to make it so that I wondered if dealing with people on a regular basis was a great idea. It just seems that whenever something happens they forget how hard it is that I’m already trying to change and try to throw another set of things at me to do then too.

It just feels like all my friends expect me to do is change everything that makes me, me. All the things I stand for, all the things that yeah, I screw up on and the things I have a tendency to do when I get upset and sad. It’s so hard because everything I do when I get scared they attack as well. It’s like, no matter what I do I’m getting attacked from all sides of me at once, and it’s so not fair. I’m always expected to remember that I’m the least important person to them and that before I let something bother me I need to make sure everything else is ok first. Sometimes it just seems like they’re concerned with making sure Holly’s ok before anything else. I was breaking down, but I’m supposed to make sure that Holly’s ok because she went looking for me.

You know what, I did. I asked Josh to make sure that Holly was ok as soon as I got somewhat of a grip over my emotions. I knew that me breaking and not being able to talk to Holly hurt her and I felt horrible for doing it while I did. I’m always more concerned for her well-being over mine, but as soon as I need to actually take care of something that’s about me, I get yelled at for it. I apologized more to Josh in the last few days then I think I’ve apologized in my entire life.

And you know what else they did? And they being Peter and Holly right now. They fucking drugged mine and Josh’s drinks. It doesn’t fucking matter that it was like… 99 cent libido crap. The point is, they fucking put something in my drink and the only reason I found out was because I poured half my drink into Josh’s and then for some reason I think I poured my half into another cup and I found the undissolved pill at the bottom. WHAT THE FUCK???!!! That’s not friggin funny. All I’d been hearing for the last few weeks was crap about things and it’s fucking ridiculous. I’ll do what I want when I want to with who I want to. I don’t fucking need peer pressure about shit. I’m sorry if I want it to be more then a one-night stand. I apologize for having god-damn morals.

Ok. I’ve never really done my thinking while typing, I’ve always done the thinking before typing so I suppose this will just be a bit Catcher and the Rye and just write it down as it comes.

1. I hate Holly. I adore Holly.

There are moments when Holly makes me want to scream. When I wonder if more of this is just about her refusing to have someone else get the guy then it is about Peter. If it’s all more about her refusing to lose this “game” she thinks is going on. I know she does have some feelings for Peter, and I know that she’s hiding them more now, but there’s also days when I don’t wonder if she just really is getting over him. Because she can certainly do things like sleep with guys and mock Peter about sleeping with people and I know I couldn’t. Maybe because it’s more… there with me and Peter, I don’t know. It just is.

There are also moments when I would do just about anything for Holly. On almost anything other then Peter, we get along great. I love living with her and everything else. I like how most of the time I can just tell her what’s going on, and she listens to that. I told her that I need to feel invited places, and she actually does it. She puts up with a lot from me, and for the most part she just handles it and I respect her a lot for that.

I trust Holly, and I don’t.

I think the biggest thing that’s hurting me right now, is that I don’t know if I can trust Holly or not. I thought I could and everything, but I don’t know if she always tells me the truth or not about what Peter says to her. On the same matter however, I don’t always trust that Peter’s telling me one thing and isn’t saying something completely different to her. However, there’s also the matter where Holly doesn’t trust me – at all, and that really hurts. It hurts because I spent so much time hurting because I was purely trying to not hurt her. It hurts because no matter how hard I tried to show Holly she could trust me, she still doesn’t. How I went to all lengths, and most of the time still do just to prove to her that I could trust her and would do anything to avoid hurting her. That sucks. A lot. And because she doesn’t trust me if makes me wonder if I can really trust her either. She’s told me so many times that if push came to shove she would probably do something that she’d regret either. Because she yells at me for lying to her and then lies to me. That’s really not cool and I don’t tolerate that kind of shit.

I’m afraid to love.

I’m really not sure why, but I think it has a good deal to do with the idea that I’m afraid to get hurt. Because so many times it seems to be that if you fall, you get hurt in the end. I get hurt enough sometimes and having loved the person would just make it so many times worse. I’m so afraid to trust anymore that I’m so much more protective when it comes to trusting my heart to anyone.

I trust Peter more then I have any other guy, and yet a lot less at the same time.

I trusted Peter when it came to my firsts of a lot of things, and like I mentioned before probably, I have no idea why. I know I trust him less then I did Brian. With Brian, I knew that what he was telling me was true, because I knew that at least at the time, he would’ve died before hurting me. I’m not so sure about that with Peter. I know a lot of it right now has to do with that we can’t be open about anything. Or at least, he’s not doing it. Everyone knows that I like Peter. Nobody but me knows that he likes me. Holly knows slightly that Peter said something to me but I’ve never reassured her about what. Again, with Brian I knew I could talk to him about just about anything, but with Peter I’m always wondering if he’d actually talk to me about it. Sometimes I feel guilty for not trusting him – he’s always told me the right things and given the right signs for sure, but still. There’s that niggling fact that he hasn’t told Holly that he likes me. Maybe because it’s because he’s afraid to hurt her, but still.

I also know that I don’t trust him some because I have no idea what Peter and I really are. Are we technically still friends that just happen to do some shit together and know the like each other? Are we single but taken? Friends with benefits? It’s sad little things like these that give me my insecurities and without Randy I really have nobody to talk to about it and he’s been missing from my life for the last few weeks. I obviously can’t talk to Holly about shit anymore because if some thing’s bothering me enough with her that I wonder if I can trust her, then maybe I shouldn’t anymore. She doesn’t really tell me anything either, so what’s the point?

I want to have the satisfaction of knowing that while he’s in Joliet right now and every weekend, that he’s not off with some girl. I want to *at least* feel like I stand well enough with him that I even deserve to want that of him. Maybe it’s more that I just want *something* with Peter and not this… when we get drinking we do shit idea. I want to feel more like he’s choosing me specifically then that i just happen to be the best person around at the time when he’s feeling horny.

Once in awhile, he does say things that make me feel at least as if I don’t have to worry. The line where he said that he had someone back in Chicago to chicks hitting on him, that he always uses me as his girlfriend in situations when he needs one, that he’s going to be single just as long as I am. That he gets just as confused as the rest of us.

I’m still pretty sure that when I go back, I’m either going to sit down and have a conversation with both Holly and Peter, or I’m simply going to step back from both of them. I’m not going to treat Holly as if she’s my best friend and I’ll cool things off with Peter. Which will be hard in both cases because Holly’s very easy to trust and Peter’s very nice to snuggle with.