The more comfortable I get in this life, the more I resent the people that used to be in it, and I think some of them are realizing that I have this happy life now and they can’t fuck it up. Daniel obviously tried, sending Holly this text msg that was supposed ot be from me saying that I missed Holly and wanted her to come back. Unfortunatly for him, I have proper grammar and he doesn’t. Holly realized right off it wasn’t from me because of that and for using the wrong word in place. “Honey” is not the “Hunny” that would be used… He’s pissing me off. He’s probably like “well I still have your sweatshirt bitch” well guess what… I have the cord that connects the SNES to the TV.. and somewhere in my room is your Japanese book! Pwned bitch.

So, I’m going to end up missing Ricky a lot during these three weeks. I mean, right now I do… give me another few days and I’ll be like…

Anyway, things have been going good. I “apologised” to Daniel – meaning I said what I needed to say so that Peter’d get off my back about talking to him again. Last weekend Holly was up and we went to a party at Peter’s place – which was fantastic because none of the crazy things that went on involved me at all Holly and I are… fine. She made it obvious enough by saying it without saying it that she still had feelings for me, and I was just like… ‘…’ and tried to make it obvious to her without actually saying it that I still had feelings for Peter. I also blatently told her why I was resenting her back then – She was the only thing standing between me and Peter.

Don’t even ask me what’s going on with the Peter area because I really have no idea. If he knows I have feelings for him then he’s not exactly telling me to stop, but if he doesn’t then well, he’s pretty slow.

^___^ I guess I suprised him or something on how well Cow (his best friend – female) and I actually got along. Like he expected us to get along, but not like as well as we did. Thinking of it now, I don’t know, I probably trust Cow more then any other girl around Peter. Her and Peter is like Randy and I. I feel about as much threat towards her regarding Peter as I would of a Lobster and Peter. And he’s afraid of Lobsters.

There was an interesting couple of minutes when Peter and I were sharing a bed before I moved because the Canyon between us was making me sad. And I was freezing my ass off so I went to try and find a blanket.

Overall, fun fun weekend last weekend. There’s plenty of crazy pictures going around between the bunch of us two since there was like… two digital cameras and Mike and Holly have no shame about taking lots ^___^

When Peter can figure out whatever it is he feels her needs to say to me, then fine. And if he never bothers to then well, I guess it’s his loss. But I’m a big girl. I know him and I can read. All he needs to realize is that there really isn’t anything he needs to say to me. Except maybe sorry for being a jerk and breaking up with me over IM. (But then, looking back now as I type this up, I have to remeber that that’s also how it all started.) So in less then a month it’s my 21st. I told Daniel that I want a party. Or rather, I said I will not let it go by sober. I guess Holly’s supposed to be up that weekend. I put my foot down however and told Daniel she will not be there for my birthday. I so refuse to talk to her if she’s looking at pity on either of our ends. I’m happy now, she’s happy now… etc. I feel like I have a lot less weight on my shoulder. Daniel wants me to talk to her soon, which while I know I said I’d do I keep putting off. I just don’t feel like explaining to her why I ignored some of the action she did.

And then I asked my mother OVER A MONTH AGO to get my FAFSA done before today, the 28th. On the 25th I even reminded her once again that it had to be done. Yeah it’s still not done. A lacking of FAFSA can seriously screw up my Financial Aid, and since I’ve already spent more then enough time in there for the next year already, I think this want to have it actually done is justified. My sister is finally going to get off her ass and do it tomorrow. This is all because she actually has to done my Father’s taxes before I can do my FAFSA – which she really has to do anyway.

Then there’s all this stuff where I have to meet my new roomie when I get back and the fact that Holly’s still attempting her little myspace drama… it’s all crap and I just wanna go home and get the first few days over so I can get back to my nice normal schedule. And Daniel better still be around because if he won’t be I’ll kick something.

Maybe cause I really wanted to do something today, maybe it’s PMS, I don’t know, I don’t care, I just know that I felt rather… lonely? Holly’s been modeling the entire day so she really hasn’t done anything and then like… I wanted her to try out the last.fm radio and when I was having trouble she was just like.. “Thanks and all but I really just was to model and listen to my music…” I was all sad and angry I think cause like.. all I do is computer stuff…

Plus I’m like… wavering on other things cause like… I think I just want to pass it off as Peter just being drunk. It’s… so much easier to handle if I just don’t take anything seriously so I don’t.

And then like… people are getting upset with my because I lock my computer. Everyone’s all like… “Is there something you’re keeping from me? Do you not trust us?” But like… I just like it locked. I mean… you even admitted that once when I was upset with you people you tried looking at my livejournal and I keep everything set on auto-login… and Peter was reading my conversations with Randy the other day which isn’t cool cause Randy’s who I talk to about him…

And then Holly was like… all upset that I don’t talk about Peter with her… Honestly, why the hell would I? Peter’s always been a touchy subject between the two of us and why would I suddenly want to start talking to her about the metal malfunctions he causes me? I realize that like.. I usually tell her everything but there’s things she doesn’t tell me, so why do I have to tell her everything?

I’ve always been super over-protective of my journals anyway. I’m afraid because I don’t like many people seeing the stuff that literally goes on in my head since that’s what goes down here… livejournal is my guilty concience, my rational, the voices in my head. Plus this is a side of me that I really don’t like showing people… so why wouldn’t I be? I panic way more and angst way more then people normally think I do. I’m already anti-social enough, I don’t need people thinking I’m wacko to help people not talk to me.

Plus… not that I’m not beating a dead horse here, cause I know I am… it’s like.. Argh. Ebil Peter. I finally manage to beat down most of the emotions I had for him and in like 3 days he manages to ruin it. Damn him and his control over me!

Sigh.

I miss having a male best friend actually here that I can just curl up with and watch movies. I miss having friends I don’t live with. I understand that I don’t need to go see people because my apartment is the pimp house that everyone else calls home, but still. I almost miss the days when people like managed to actually get me to do things. I don’t know what it was.

At the same time, I really wish most people would leave me the hell alone. I get like 6 hours maybe alone a week. It’s driving me absolutly insane since I’ve always been a person who more then valued their privacy. It’s not that I don’t like living with my best friend – it’s great, but like… get out. Lol. Even the time I have while Holly’s in class is invaded by Daniel, and then it’s like.. argh. I don’t know. I’m just around the same people so much that I’m going absolutly insane at seeing them 24/7.

Blargh.

Cthy rocks.

Maybe it was just looking at my buddy list to see if Randy was online, and seeing Sprinkles, Tab and Dusty. Three of the four people I used to be closest too, and now I barely if ever talked to any of them. Every has fallen into doing what they love I think, or at least what they like. Tab has her plays, and Dusty her friends and the other boards. I don’t know about Sprinkles though, and I think Allie still has Ian.

It’s funny, Randy and I seem to be the most alike. I don’t think I’ve ever found a person like me who could talk themselves out of something before. It’s good to have somebody to talk too when I’m wondering about my feelings with Brian, or just to laugh with over something or another. ^^ I like it. (Now if I could just get him to move here, I’d have a best friend again, lol.)

So I’ve been hanging out with Daniel and Holly during the weekends…and weekdays really. Fun people. Both in Game Art so the play video games. We’re all completely different from each other in one way or another though. I like having friends here, it makes me happy. Having Brian in my life to talk to makes me even happier.

He’s thinking about not going to school in Maine…and I know that if he doesn’t he’ll come here. I think…I think I’m going to actually trust him. For once, I think I can. I know he’d never intentionally hurt me, and that’s what matters. He knows of all my deepest darkest secrets and won’t hold them against me.

Along the lines of being happy, that leads me to Josh. Josh who I don’t think I can handle talking to much anymore. I don’t know… I think I fear that he will make me sad again. For once I’m really happy in my life (other then with my desperate need for a job) and I’m scared he will somehow take that away from me. Josh always managed too…make me sad I guess. Or nervous… I never knew what emotion he was going to react with next so I was always scared. I felt courned into watching every word I said and every action I made.

I know I forbid Josh weeks ago from ever reading my journal again but if you do… I’m sorry. One of the reasons I warned you that things might not be the same after we took time away from talking to eachother is that I get angry, and another is because I tend to detatch myself from that person. You pushed me away then and now… now I think I’m running away. I want you to be happy in your life and I hope one day you can stop doubting yourself so much. You have a lot of lessons left to be learned, but you’re still young…you’ll learn them as they come.

I’m also happy because I get to spend Thanksgiving with Madelin’s family. It’ll be nice to get away from here for a weekend, and I’ve never gotten a chance to spend more then a single day with Madelin so that really should be fun. ^.~

What else…

Well I suppose that school is going well. I’ve learned that I really don’t feel comfortable in rushed situations at all. I like to relax and handle things as they come. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t like to be around people who panic. I think that’s more it then anything. I can’t wait to actually get into classes where I learn webpage development. Right now I’m still just stuck in the classes that lead up to them.

Working on a new page, and I was scared as hell when I realized I hadn’t worked on a website since December 2003. That’s just scary. So working on getting that setup so that Randy and I can play with our new toy, which should be interesting. I’ve been wanting to get my stories online on my own website for awhile now, so I suppose this has been a real long time coming.

I hope everyone if anyone bothers to read this is living happily, safe, and in the comfort of someone who matters.

-Andi