That was just now.

There’s so much of my world that I’m trying to change or resist changing or is changing me that sometimes I can’t handle it all. Trying not to swear as much, to lose some of the weight I’ve put on since living at Ricky’s house, to get things done before they are immediately due, to be an adult, to still be young, to wanting to be on my own, to not snap as much as Ricky or be as greedy with his time, to trying to make his friends my friends as well, to dealing with the world without someone’s help… I just… can’t sometimes. I’m so used to having someone there to put me back together that I don’t think I know how to do it on my own anymore. Ricky tries but he just… or I can’t talk to him. I can’t tell him that sometimes I feel like my world is falling apart under my feet and I’m powerless to stop it. Everywhere around me, people are changing from “kids” to “adults”. Teresa’s getting married, Dominic and Liz had a baby, Ricky is a professional out in the world, and sometimes I feel like I just keep… falling short. There’s so much of me that just wants to go out partying and make bad decisions while the other half of me wants everything that they’re getting… the two halves of my inner me keep clashing and I don’t know how to balance them out yet.

I’m just… overwhelmed.

Fuck it. In a year I’m probably moving back home anyway, or at least to Portland ME or Boston. I’ve gone longer amounts of time then this without friends, and I always have Daniel.

So this is how the world is when you realise all your biggest fears have come true, again.

Maybe cause I really wanted to do something today, maybe it’s PMS, I don’t know, I don’t care, I just know that I felt rather… lonely? Holly’s been modeling the entire day so she really hasn’t done anything and then like… I wanted her to try out the last.fm radio and when I was having trouble she was just like.. “Thanks and all but I really just was to model and listen to my music…” I was all sad and angry I think cause like.. all I do is computer stuff…

Plus I’m like… wavering on other things cause like… I think I just want to pass it off as Peter just being drunk. It’s… so much easier to handle if I just don’t take anything seriously so I don’t.

And then like… people are getting upset with my because I lock my computer. Everyone’s all like… “Is there something you’re keeping from me? Do you not trust us?” But like… I just like it locked. I mean… you even admitted that once when I was upset with you people you tried looking at my livejournal and I keep everything set on auto-login… and Peter was reading my conversations with Randy the other day which isn’t cool cause Randy’s who I talk to about him…

And then Holly was like… all upset that I don’t talk about Peter with her… Honestly, why the hell would I? Peter’s always been a touchy subject between the two of us and why would I suddenly want to start talking to her about the metal malfunctions he causes me? I realize that like.. I usually tell her everything but there’s things she doesn’t tell me, so why do I have to tell her everything?

I’ve always been super over-protective of my journals anyway. I’m afraid because I don’t like many people seeing the stuff that literally goes on in my head since that’s what goes down here… livejournal is my guilty concience, my rational, the voices in my head. Plus this is a side of me that I really don’t like showing people… so why wouldn’t I be? I panic way more and angst way more then people normally think I do. I’m already anti-social enough, I don’t need people thinking I’m wacko to help people not talk to me.

Plus… not that I’m not beating a dead horse here, cause I know I am… it’s like.. Argh. Ebil Peter. I finally manage to beat down most of the emotions I had for him and in like 3 days he manages to ruin it. Damn him and his control over me!

Sigh.

I miss having a male best friend actually here that I can just curl up with and watch movies. I miss having friends I don’t live with. I understand that I don’t need to go see people because my apartment is the pimp house that everyone else calls home, but still. I almost miss the days when people like managed to actually get me to do things. I don’t know what it was.

At the same time, I really wish most people would leave me the hell alone. I get like 6 hours maybe alone a week. It’s driving me absolutly insane since I’ve always been a person who more then valued their privacy. It’s not that I don’t like living with my best friend – it’s great, but like… get out. Lol. Even the time I have while Holly’s in class is invaded by Daniel, and then it’s like.. argh. I don’t know. I’m just around the same people so much that I’m going absolutly insane at seeing them 24/7.

The thing is, I’m being emo about being emo.

I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy when there’s no drama in my life. I mean, it’s like… there’s all these people and they have someone significant in their lives and I just… don’t. I don’t like being alone and I don’t like being by myself.

I mean, I am happy, but… I’m not, you know?

Maybe I’m just not happy because i know I’m not as happy as I could be.

Oh well. I go to Maine Friday and when I’m there I never think of anything along these lines and I’ll be there for three weeks, so I only ave to suffer for another couple of days before it’s all over with anyway.

Hohum. I know I can make it that long anyway. On better notes, I’ve so totally decided to just fuck Peter afterall. I mean in the I don’t fucking care about him anymore type of way because he’s a bastard and used me and my best friend. So we have now both realized this and decided that Peter can go fuck off for all the both of us could care and I hope he realizes it.

He died on the Sims 2 today while I was playing it.

I didn’t even feel bad. ((Dude I do now that I’m dating him… haha… oops. Sorry Peter. I was having an angry day.))

Actually, I laughed.