I’ve been reading the sword of truth books which are actually really good! There 11 books in the series and they’re all around 1000 pages or so, so they’re taking even me a little while to complete.

Well that’s about all for now!

I’m ashamed at myself in months previous. Downright ashamed. I don’t even know if it’s months, or just plain out years. I’ve been weak. I’m not saying that falling in love was weak, but how I acted when I was, was. I wanted to move to Chicago to become more independent and in some ways I did, and in some ways I crippled myself.

I just read my Horoscope for the day as I did this. Ironic really.

Overview: Ever thought about giving your anxieties a break? Funnily enough, they might not enjoy hanging around so much — and you’re more than ready to give ‘em a rest. Your outward tranquility increases with your inner peace.

I rather think it’s right.

Zomg, almost all of my finals are done!

Zomg, that stack of papers I have to take with me to my physics final is god damn tall!!

Zomg, I only needed $41 and my Dad gave me $70! So I could have a GOOD LUNCH AND DINNER!

Zomg, I fucking love him now.

Zomg, I am having a kickass week. Everything keeps going good for me. I woke up late – and the bus that never shows up magically appeared! My newspaper, which usually runs 3 weeks late getting here, was only 4 days behind! My meanest teacher loved my group’s presentation better, and since the class did so good as a whole, canceled our final test! Same teacher gave me an A- on my final binder! I never did a drop of work in my Video class, but should be getting out of it with a B! My Database Management class is not required of me tonight as I already have my final done! With extra! I go home tomorrow! I was promised Dennys! My sister is dyeing my hair the colors I want it, and potentially paying for my tattoo!

Zomg, Knock on wood of course, which I really did just do.

Zomg, Holly gave me my tattoo design! I thought I’d never see that again!

Above all, I had a pretty good last few days. Other then my Art History II midterm being the devil and lying to me about what was on it and the horror of Final Destination 3… things were fine. I’m in a good mood right now cause I’m finally getting a few hours to myself to like… just chill.

Anyway, more later after I’ve taken the nice long bath I’m planning and had real time to break down the last few days in my head.

On the front of my most talked about subject (Peter that is) nothing’s happened really, except that it looks like we really are going to keep it as just the two of us for hour movie-a-thon. Disney it may be however Peter and I ironically share the same 3 favorite disney movies – Mulan, Aladdin and Hercules, so while it may seem strange, it’s kinda fun. Plus I’ll appreciate any time I get alone with Peter, not to mention just out of my apartment without the rest of the gang with us. I feel a little like… cabin fever I guess? If my cabin fever can also include school. It’s more like I feel trapped to always be with the same people because I never do anything. I’m with Holly like… 24/7 and it’s kinda drving me crazy on some moments.

And… that’s about it. It’s that time of year again for me to do FASFA and all other accounting-like fun and I’m way behind on getting two packages shipped that should’ve been doe oh say – about 5 days ago. If I don’t do it later today I’m deaaaaaaad. Poor people. T_T

Thank you to all of you who’ve been there for me over the last couple weeks. Randy, Zoe, Madelin, Josh… just knowing that you all read, that you care… thank you.

Now that the majority of things are over, I feel I can explain what’s been going through my head lately with a lot less emotion then before.

While Holly and I were arguing, I confessed to still having feelings for Peter, and she also knows that I don’t necessarily want those feelings. I’ve also explained to her that I was thinking about moving closer to home because a part of me is being torn apart that I get to see my family so little. I have a very very close family and it’s very hard going 4 months without seeing them and knowing I have another 3 weeks before I will. I so desperately crave to be alone when I’m with people and with people when I’m alone. I want to get an apartment around here, but I know I can’t afford it. Even if I do, I’ll need to talk to my parents about it.

And at the same time, a part of me just wants to go to Boston for college. It wants to run away from here and all the pain that people have endured because of me and me because of them. Because that’s what I do when something goes wrong. I run away. However, I’m still being kept here because of Holly, because of Peter, because of the fear of change that I want.

Holly told me she was thinking about moving with me because it would give me a new chance.

- Make a post (public, friends locked, filtered…whatever you’re comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun (“I’d love a Snape/Hermione icon that’s just for me”) to medium (“I wish for _____ on DVD”) to really big (“All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.”) The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it’s your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it’ll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

- Surf around your friends list (or friends friends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here’s the important part:

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make someone’s wish come true. Sometimes someone’s trash is another’s treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don’t want or a gift certificate you won’t use–or even know where you could get someone’s dream purebred Basset Hound for free–do it.

You needn’t spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn’t to put people out, it’s to provide everyone a chance to be someone else’s holiday elf–to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not–it’s your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just…wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you’ll have the joy of knowing you made someone’s holiday special.

1. A kick-ass Rukia from Bleach wallpaper. Seeing as “Ruki” is one of my alter-identities, I think it’s only fitting.
2. Kingdom Hearts II
3. HP and the Goblet of Fire Soundtrack
4. HP and Goblet video game…
5. A Kyou from Fruits Basket wallpaper. T.T He’s just so awesome.
6. DVD cases. Omg… I’m so serious. I have a spindle now of just burned DVD’s with no shelter from… well me.
7. Nail polish and nail polish remover. Pretty colors.
8. A VCR. Dude, I don’t care if it’s ghetto-fied. I just need one that works.
9. Manga. <3
10. Tom’s Salt and Vinager chips and/or Code Red.

And right now as I sit here on my bed… it’s like a glimpse of that feeling I got while I was in Maine this summer. When I knew that no matter how bad things would get, that everything would eventually be ok. That I could handle everything the world threw at me because I’ve always had the resolution that “After every time the sun sets it rises once more the next day”. I will be… ok. I will know that even when my world comes crashing down, I have people there for me. Even now my sister is practically begging me to transfer closer to home because she misses me veiled under reminders of how much cheaper it would be for me. I know I’m loved.

And this is what I knew I needed, why Holly leaving didn’t bother me because I knew we were growing further apart, because I knew that while Holly doesn’t trust me with Peter, I know I can never really trust her with anything ever again. All telling her my secrets has ever brought me was sadness and pain, because Holly truly can’t handle being there for me when she can barely be there for herself sometimes. And you know… that’s ok. Because… I can handle it. I know that even my my head cries out that it’s alone and in pain… I have friends, maybe not here in Chicago, but in California, in Washington, in Texas, in Maine, Connecticut and other parts of Illinois. And I have my family who will always always be there when my times get rough, waiting to tell me the words of “you’re right, and she’s not” when I needed to hear them.

So… I may continue to think about leaving Chicago.

Heh. So Peter told me again today that he has no interest in Holly, which makes me overall feel a lot better.

But anyway, he asked what’s going on and telling someone else made me feel better so I’d figured I’d do it again.

I’m upset that Holly lied to me about trusting me.
I’m pissed off that Holly doesn’t trust Peter and I, we’re friends, she should be able to have faith that Peter and I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt her like that. (I say like that because we rather evilly planned to go do something together just to piss her off because it would make her jealous.)
I’m angry that she felt the need to cut class early because she was jealous that Peter and I were going to get dinner while waiting for her.
I’m also upset that she blamed me for her being emo.
I’m pissed that she’s a hypocrite about clothing. If she can call mine slutty, I can tell her that she dresses like a man.
I’m extremely pissed that she has no idea why I’m mad at her.
I’m tired as hell of walking on tippy toes around her when Peter’s made it obvious that he has no feelings for her.
I’m annoyed that I ever had to do it in the first place.
I’m pissed that it’s obvious she’d rather Peter and I weren’t even friends at all.

Considering I put a lot of special features in that people probably won’t even know are special, I still feel justified.

It kept my mind off everything.

I also uploaded all 100 icons I get now.

It’s sweet.

And that the little spy once saw a single line from my journal. Poor Peter – he just had to see *that* line didn’t he? I feel bad because it’s really the only line in this entire thing… well, one of the only lines in this entire thing that he could take so desperatly wrong. So I felt the need to explain that it was more along the lines of – for Holly’s sake, I wish I didn’t like Peter.

Wow, we talked back and forth for like four hours, I just realized that. Okie, making long story short cause I gotta change!