Today has been one of the best kinds of days for relaxing. I opened up nearly every window in the apartment, turned on some good music and just spent the day cleaning and reading fanfiction. Nice and peaceful with nothing to think about except perhaps wondering how on earth I lose so many elastics around the apartment. I think it’s been a day that’s long been needed coming, so many kudos to the bosses at work who gave us all the nice extra long weekend. Ricky came home and we ordered dinner and watched some TV together, and now I’m back to reading some fanfics.

Sorry I haven’t gotten around to updating the journal yet with the print journal, but it could still happen soon! Now Ricky’s in the bedroom watching some Arrested Development and I’m back to his computer reading and just relaxing once more. Might watch some AMV’s soon. I blame my iPod for this, because it’s playing the “May Angels Lead You In” song and I got that originally because of a nice AMV that had Trigun and a few others in it.

Life has been going pretty nicely lately though, but I have learned to shut my mouth up about my opinion when it differs from others on facts… A “See what I have to live with?” comment from Ricky left me a bit wary as it’d been the 2nd in a couple days range along those lines. But really, I think everything else is great – My need to prove myself right (which is how he see’s it, rather then how I see it as – “Am I wrong? Because if I’m wrong I want to know. I need to know. Oh I’m right!/Wrong! Must share…”) drives him crazy. He thinks I’m essentially calling him stupid, which is silly.

But Ricky being called “stupid” is very close to my “shut up” so I try and not go there much… everyone has the one thing that’ll set them off, even in joking.

There’s been some talk of ring sizes and money saving lately, which I try not to let get to me too much… just because there’s talk doesn’t mean anything’s happening, and even if it does, doesn’t say that it’s going to be happening anytime soon. I’m a rather large pessimist on that fact.

Ricky and I finally made it a year without nearly breaking up over Julia though, which is definitely a record on our part. This might be partly due to the fact that Ricky doesn’t even talk to Julia, and has finally seem to have seen the pain of death he’d suffer if he put me through that again.

The more comfortable I get in this life, the more I resent the people that used to be in it, and I think some of them are realizing that I have this happy life now and they can’t fuck it up. Daniel obviously tried, sending Holly this text msg that was supposed ot be from me saying that I missed Holly and wanted her to come back. Unfortunatly for him, I have proper grammar and he doesn’t. Holly realized right off it wasn’t from me because of that and for using the wrong word in place. “Honey” is not the “Hunny” that would be used… He’s pissing me off. He’s probably like “well I still have your sweatshirt bitch” well guess what… I have the cord that connects the SNES to the TV.. and somewhere in my room is your Japanese book! Pwned bitch.

So, I’m going to end up missing Ricky a lot during these three weeks. I mean, right now I do… give me another few days and I’ll be like…

I’ve honestly come to that point where I’m happy and that happiness doesn’t depend on someone else.

You know what?

If feels really good. Good to not wake up and wonder if someone else was going to make you have a good or bad day. Good to remember what things truly make me happy and doing them for reasons I want to.

4 months ago I made a decision that did ultimately, change my life. I made the choice to potentionally give up everything for a chance with Peter. In the end it turned out I really did end up giving up everything, but some of that was my own choice. I don’t talk to either Holly or Peter anymore, in part because I need to not talk to them. With Holly I’m always afraid of what’s going to happen. Because she has a tendency to make things change, for the worse or better. I didn’t want that to happen. If things went beter, I wanted it to be because I WANTED it to get beter.

With Peter… I can’t talk to him. To get over him, to not care about not seeing him for weeks on end… I just… erased him. All his stuff is buried in misc. places around my apt, his bracelet and ring are… (on the floor I think. o.O) I even took him off my buddy list. That was one advantage I had with Holly, was that since she moved out, she was just gone. Peter… was just there one day and gone the next.

In both situation with both endings – one I knew was coming and one I didn’t know was, I wouldn’t change the way they happened. With Holly it could never really be sudden. It would’ve been like waking up with my left leg missing. I needed to be slowly edged into it. And sadly unlike Holly, I did have a week to prepare for what was coming. I had a day to say goodbye.

Peter… Peter was more an addiction. Something you needed to quit cold turkey and just never see again. Granted at some point I probably will, and I have an odd feeling that it would be realy weird for a moment before we didn’t care. A month ago that wouldn’t have been true. But after all this time, I’ve just… not stopped caring, but just… I don’t know. I do care that he completely abandoned us for his other friends. I don’t care that he could be screwing every one of them. I’m more hurt that I lost his friendship then that I lost /him/ now.

This time in Maine, as I mentioned… has been refreshing. It’s been… perfect really. Nobody bugs me to do things I don’t want to, I can wake up and sleep whenever I want, spend the entire day poring over PHP and SQL all I want…. and it doesn’t matter. It’s truly been a vacation.

So 4 months after everything started, I’ve finally accepted losing everything… and sort of never felt more together. Plus, I still have Daniel

So yeah. I’m having a very nice vacation here which is kinda just what I needed

Zomg, almost all of my finals are done!

Zomg, that stack of papers I have to take with me to my physics final is god damn tall!!

Zomg, I only needed $41 and my Dad gave me $70! So I could have a GOOD LUNCH AND DINNER!

Zomg, I fucking love him now.

Zomg, I am having a kickass week. Everything keeps going good for me. I woke up late – and the bus that never shows up magically appeared! My newspaper, which usually runs 3 weeks late getting here, was only 4 days behind! My meanest teacher loved my group’s presentation better, and since the class did so good as a whole, canceled our final test! Same teacher gave me an A- on my final binder! I never did a drop of work in my Video class, but should be getting out of it with a B! My Database Management class is not required of me tonight as I already have my final done! With extra! I go home tomorrow! I was promised Dennys! My sister is dyeing my hair the colors I want it, and potentially paying for my tattoo!

Zomg, Knock on wood of course, which I really did just do.

Zomg, Holly gave me my tattoo design! I thought I’d never see that again!

For so long I took steps that were away from what I wanted in life that now that I do have what I want I refuse to let her bring me down. I’m DONE with that. Finished, completed and over. More then just Holly being gone this is a chance to start again in a lot of ways for me. There were times when with Holly I felt obligated to be what she expected of me because she knew me so well. I honestly felt trapped in being the person she thought I was. Without Holly I feel like I can… I don’t know, live because I’m not relying on her for so much. I want to go out and do stuff, talk to people… I dunno everything. The boys asked me to try and be more outgoing, and honestly, I’m trying to be. I think I can be again.

A lot of people would think I’d be saying “You don’t know what you had till it’s gone” about Holly, but its… almost the opposite. When she was here I didn’t want her to leave, and now that she is gone… I don’t think I want her back. It sounds cruel because she’s supposed to be my best friend, but… what kind of best friend wouldn’t want you to do what you needed to do to be happy? And then try and tell you to it now that you have, and then at the same time, hate you for actually being so? I’m sorry I’m happy while she’s not? No.

I feel so relieved, so free… so much weight is off my shoulders since no longer do I have to base my every choice over if Holly will go ballistic on me or not for it.

…Free.

So he said… – Your wolf.

o.o I was like zomg.. lol. So… later we ended up making plans for a 24 hour disney movie a thon. One in which did not include everyone else… Hmm~. I do almost wonder if he did read my xanga because coincidentally he “solved” two of my problems there. I was complaining about how I miss just being able to cuddle up with someone and watch a movie – and then we made those plans… and etc.

My xanga’s not exactly hidden – anyone can read it, just I’ve only used it twice and it’s still rather new. I’ve never needed to use it as I already have Oshima blog, Myspace, here and etc. to post to, and I obviously use here the most.

So it’s like… things are almost turning up. For now, I’m just going to let things run their course and see how they go I guess.

^.~

Have you ever tried to convince yourself of something you don’t want to believe? That as much as you try to put if off, there’s a part of you saying otherwise no matter how many time you try and just pass it off? That’s like what I’m going through right now. Like no matter how many times I try and convince myself that’s it’s nothing, at the same time I want to believe it’s not. So I really don’t know what to do… or think. I’ve been wanting to write in my livejournal for days even though at the same time, I know there really isn’t anything to say that I haven’t already.

I guess I’m just going to keep convincing myself that it’s nothing… I mean, it’s easier for me then hoping it’s not, isn’t it? Hopes… when it comes to hopes and that I have none. I can’t, cause every time I do, I just get let down. It’s so strange, that I’m almost hoping for nothing… because the last time there wasn’t I got hurt anyway and I just… don’t. Can’t. Won’t. A bit like Meg in Hercules. I won’t say I’m in Love.

Still… there’s a tiny part of me that still has hope, and I don’t know where why or even how it’s still there. I mean, every other time…

Anyway.

It’s nice, I’ve been really happy lately, a little confused, but really happy. I love my scripting classes, and I’ve gotten to spend a lot of time just doing anything and everything with my friends.

Thank you to all of you who’ve been there for me over the last couple weeks. Randy, Zoe, Madelin, Josh… just knowing that you all read, that you care… thank you.

Now that the majority of things are over, I feel I can explain what’s been going through my head lately with a lot less emotion then before.

While Holly and I were arguing, I confessed to still having feelings for Peter, and she also knows that I don’t necessarily want those feelings. I’ve also explained to her that I was thinking about moving closer to home because a part of me is being torn apart that I get to see my family so little. I have a very very close family and it’s very hard going 4 months without seeing them and knowing I have another 3 weeks before I will. I so desperately crave to be alone when I’m with people and with people when I’m alone. I want to get an apartment around here, but I know I can’t afford it. Even if I do, I’ll need to talk to my parents about it.

And at the same time, a part of me just wants to go to Boston for college. It wants to run away from here and all the pain that people have endured because of me and me because of them. Because that’s what I do when something goes wrong. I run away. However, I’m still being kept here because of Holly, because of Peter, because of the fear of change that I want.

Holly told me she was thinking about moving with me because it would give me a new chance.

- Make a post (public, friends locked, filtered…whatever you’re comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun (“I’d love a Snape/Hermione icon that’s just for me”) to medium (“I wish for _____ on DVD”) to really big (“All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.”) The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it’s your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it’ll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

- Surf around your friends list (or friends friends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here’s the important part:

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make someone’s wish come true. Sometimes someone’s trash is another’s treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don’t want or a gift certificate you won’t use–or even know where you could get someone’s dream purebred Basset Hound for free–do it.

You needn’t spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn’t to put people out, it’s to provide everyone a chance to be someone else’s holiday elf–to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not–it’s your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just…wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you’ll have the joy of knowing you made someone’s holiday special.

1. A kick-ass Rukia from Bleach wallpaper. Seeing as “Ruki” is one of my alter-identities, I think it’s only fitting.
2. Kingdom Hearts II
3. HP and the Goblet of Fire Soundtrack
4. HP and Goblet video game…
5. A Kyou from Fruits Basket wallpaper. T.T He’s just so awesome.
6. DVD cases. Omg… I’m so serious. I have a spindle now of just burned DVD’s with no shelter from… well me.
7. Nail polish and nail polish remover. Pretty colors.
8. A VCR. Dude, I don’t care if it’s ghetto-fied. I just need one that works.
9. Manga. <3
10. Tom’s Salt and Vinager chips and/or Code Red.