It was… probably tied for first in worst day of my life thus yet. First Ricky stomped on my heart, then he decided to pick it up, fluff it out a little before stabbing it repeatedly.

I should not still be dating that man.

Unfortunatly, I love him.

It all started out Friday, with Ricky asking me if I was happy. I told him yes I was (because I am usually.). After a bit of talking somehow we just went about other things. Sunday however I’m chilling and wondering if Ricky is happy, and I get a big fat no for an answer. He doesn’t know why, and I’m startinng to get the “It’s not you, it’s me.” breakup speech. How I deserve better then him, how I love him so much more then he loves me. Basically I asked him if that’s what was happening and got a yes.

So while I’m crying hysterically on the couch (we’re being honest here. There was lots of near-hyperventilating) Ricky goes out for a walk. When he comes back he decides that our relationship might not be what’s making him not happy, and so we decide to stay together.

For some reason, half an hour later, I get this.

“I’ll be completely honest with you. I think I could live my life with you and be happy, but I’m in love with someone else. I have been for a long time. My brothers know it, my friends know it, and I think you know it.”

So while my heart is crumbling to tiny little pieces, I eventually get up and go to the bedroom. At this point I’m both heartbroken and furious. He’s attempting to apologize (I think) while I’m locking him out of the bedroom and furiously throwing pillows at the wall because it’s probably better then throwing things at Ricky’s face.

After awhile Ricky comes back and I leave the room and he has the BALLS to tell me to not be angry. Ooohhh didn’t that get a reaction out of me. I’m pretty sure my reply was something along these lines “You DO NOT get to telll me to not be angry. I CANNOT live my life wondering when the next time you’re going to tell me you’re in love with Julia is. I can NOT live my life like that.” And for once in my life, I actually was shouting in full furious Andi mode. I proudly resisted the urge to be an ass myself and didn’t tell him that Julia didn’t love him and probably never would. (Oh though it was so tempting.)

So I’m furious at this point because this is the second time Ricky has done this to me (and yes, I promise you, he walks a very fine line for awhile.) He asked me before the “I love someone else” line what I was going to do. I gave him the answer that I usually do. “Go home.” he still wants to be “friends” and I’m attempting to explain to him that no, I cannot be just friends with him. I can’t go from havinng everything to having only half. It doesn’t work that way. Plus we all know that I can’t be best friends with guys. I just fall for them, and in this case I already had.

So I’m assuming that during Breakup Part 2 he’s realizing that once I’m gone, I’m GONE. Not coming back no hello later sort’ve gone.

Anyways, because I love the asshole, I do indeed not breakup with him. (Though my trust for him is at about the -5 area.) I’ve had that eerie feeling that this has been coming for a long time, and I finally explained to Ricky that the reason I have Kairi is because if he leaves me I know I can’t be alone.

Monday Ricky explains to me that he’s told Julia off after asking her if say if they were both single would she go out with him, and her explaining with maybe. I guess this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because Ricky realized that he didn’t want to be with her anyway, and that he was in fact happy with me. (Or something along those lines. All I really cared about at the time was the “never talk to Julia again” aspect.)

Since then he’s been very… in love with me I guess. It sort’ve throws me off, but he’s actually cuddling more, saying I love you to me before he gets off the phone and all sorts of normal things.

I never knew I missed those things, but I like them.

So yes, I am perhaps foolish and only asking to get hurt again later, but I love Ricky. It makes forgiving him much easier then it should. I can PROMISE you though that my love is a little less unconditional now. It is much more wary.

If he does it to me for a third time, I will punch him, consequences be damned.

I asked him what would happen if Julia had said yes, or if Julia and Jun ever broke up. He replied with “nothing.”

Regardless, if Julia and Jun ever do breakup, I will be terrified.

I’m scared that without Holly around I won’t have friends anymore. That’s why I’m talking to more people.
I’m terrified that Peter will decide that his first decision that we could never work out will come back to haunt him.
I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a “real” relationship before.
I’m worried that Holly will hate me forever.
I’m hating Holly for what she doesn’t even realize she’s putting me through. At least I knew the affect my decision would have on her.
I’m angry that AI gave me a new roommate without even telling me.
I’m depressed that unless PT cleans up my apartment, my new roomie will get a bad first impression of me.
I’m edgy that I may be friends with my roomie. What’s it really matter when they all leave anyway.
I’m broken about friends. I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me again.
I need to be forgiven. Without it, I think they’ll always be a part of me that’s missing.
I know that all I’m letting people see if my anger. What I refuse to show is that all I’m really doing is wondering if I’ll ever get my friend back.
I regret the fact that I had to hurt Holly so that I could be happy. What I don’t regret is doing it. I waited, wanted and needed this happiness I’ve finally achieved for so long.
I blame myself for every friendship that’s gone wrong.
I wonder if I’m just a really horrible person and I’m the only one that doesn’t see it.
I need to know that it’s okay to be happy.
I am… in love. And I’m terrified to admit it. I’m absolutly terrified that one day Peter will find out and that he’ll laugh. I’m scared that admitting I’m in love will mean that I’m left wide open for him to tear into itny little pieces. And I’m scared that once again he’ll stop having feelings for me. I’m terrified of how much I need him and to admit how much I miss him.
I’m cautious into every thing I do or say involving Peter. I’m scared to say too much and I’m scared I say too little. The same goes for actions.
I’m trying to take everything one step at a time. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this… free. Free to be happy, free to say and do what I want. I’m so… happy for once and with this happiness I’m just waiting for it to all come crashing down. I’m trying to realize that the best way to live is in the moment.

I forgave her because she needed it, because I was terrified because I was scared I’d lose her forever. A part of me is furious that I can’t even ever be mad at Holly without something happening that I’m forced to forgive her. For us talking again and no longer giving me the excuse to just leave here.

I want to leave… god do I…

In my dreams I’d run away
If I’d stopped and waited
would you tell me to stay?
Or would you just watch
and that’d be our last day
never turning around, looking back
No lingering words to say.

Holly worries and panics that something will happen between Peter and I. If I could tell her, I’d tell her it’s probably as likely as me running into my sister on the streets of Chicago.
He doesn’t want me.
I for the life of me, if I could… I wouldn’t want him.

Whatever you read in the next few seconds, to forewarn you before you get to everything else, no I have not done anything.

Because I can type and tell you every single thing I’ll never be able to say aloud. I miss my family. You know this. But do you know how much I really want to go closer to home? How close I really was to transferring that other day? How the thoughts of it still linger?

I am, believe it or not, am terrified of normality. The day that I fall into the go to work, come home, sleep, repeat will be the day a part of me dies. It’s one of my greatest fears – being like everyone else. I am creature of change, and as such, this lifestyle is draining me. Honestly, I don’t even know what it is I’m looking for. All I know is that whatever it is, is calling for me.

The irony of the words “I’m not perfect like everyone else” lingers in my ears. Because over time, do you know how envious I’ve been of you? How jealous? For a short period of time, I had the one thing you wanted. But you’ve had everything I wanted for a long long time. Friends who are there for you no matter how long it’s been since you’ve talked to them.

One of the biggest reasons why I didn’t want to tell you I still had feelings for Peter is because I don’t want them, I’ll be honest. In some ways, I’m terrified of Peter because of how easily he could and has, hurt me. I was, and still am trying to get over him. Because I sincerely doubt he has any feelings for me at all, half the time we’re barely friends. I barely ever talk to him on AIM, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve done something with just him, and he has this whole other world of friends that I’ll never be able to see. Because of the line – “We never would’ve worked out.” or that I was just a convienence because of words he told me have been contradicted so many times that I wonder if they were just a dream I made up, even if I know the day happened.

And through this all, every time I’ve wanted to leave, I can’t. Because you’ve been the closest person to me in all my life. Which is probably why the fact that you’ll never forgive me, never trust me is killing me.

Because I lie to you because I’m trying not to hurt you. Because I trust you even though I don’t.

You’ve done so many things that I shouldn’t forgive you for. Yet I do.

-End

To Peter:

I don’t even know what to type. There’s parts of me that wanted to write “I’m in love with you.” but I was afraid. Because I am afraid. Because you’ve hurt me so incredibly much and I don’t think anyone but Randy really knows how much. How you broke me when you asked me if I thought we’d ever work out and I had no choice but to lie, how quickly you ended things, how everything only ever took place while we were drinking. Because everything you’ve ever done that made me happy at one point has also made me cry at another.

And through it all, I damnably still want nothing more then for you to have the same feelings for me that I do for you. Because even though this entry will be put under private and nobody will ever see it but me, I still want to erase every word because it’s the truth. Because I can wake up in the morning and wonder if I’ll see you today, because I get infernally jealous of Holly’s friendship with you.

I hate my feelings. I hate them because I can’t help them or make them go away, because even when I get pissed off and want to ask you what the hell was going on, I can’t because I’m terrified of the answer. I hate them because they cause Holly pain and I hate them because you don’t feel the same way.

Questions:

Peter: Was I a convienence or not?
Peter: Why did you tell me you had feelings for me?
Peter: When did it end? Why?
Holly: Have you ever lied to me about something involving Peter?
Allie: Why did you cut me out of your life?
Daniel: Why are you so determined to end Holly’s friendship with me?
Brian: What would you have said that night?

Saying she wouldn’t change was like saying she didn’t care… I’m just so tired of hurting everyone, mainly me and Holly but it just doesn’t seem like there’s anything I can do about it anymore.

Everything I do just makes it worse, and all I want is to be happy. I’m so tired of being guilty, I can’t go back there mentally, I’ll go insane.