It all started over nothing. I was completely kdding around with Ricky about him not having google and then he got all seriously angry at me for making him feel stupid or something. This just trigger my own fury over the situation and I finally let Ricky have it, swears over IM and all. He knows I only swear like a sailor when I’m seriously pissed so he dropped it and maybe finally got it through his head that I will never be trying to make him feel stupid intentionally. I love Ricky to death, why would I ever do that?

This is a discussion we’ve had many a time so I’m not sure if I should put any faith into it lasting awhile. Here’s hoping though that he finally got it through his thick head. Sometimes boys drive me insane.

I’ve been reading the sword of truth books which are actually really good! There 11 books in the series and they’re all around 1000 pages or so, so they’re taking even me a little while to complete.

Well that’s about all for now!

That was just now.

There’s so much of my world that I’m trying to change or resist changing or is changing me that sometimes I can’t handle it all. Trying not to swear as much, to lose some of the weight I’ve put on since living at Ricky’s house, to get things done before they are immediately due, to be an adult, to still be young, to wanting to be on my own, to not snap as much as Ricky or be as greedy with his time, to trying to make his friends my friends as well, to dealing with the world without someone’s help… I just… can’t sometimes. I’m so used to having someone there to put me back together that I don’t think I know how to do it on my own anymore. Ricky tries but he just… or I can’t talk to him. I can’t tell him that sometimes I feel like my world is falling apart under my feet and I’m powerless to stop it. Everywhere around me, people are changing from “kids” to “adults”. Teresa’s getting married, Dominic and Liz had a baby, Ricky is a professional out in the world, and sometimes I feel like I just keep… falling short. There’s so much of me that just wants to go out partying and make bad decisions while the other half of me wants everything that they’re getting… the two halves of my inner me keep clashing and I don’t know how to balance them out yet.

I’m just… overwhelmed.

“You know, there are a good many women in this world who would take a remark like that as a compliment.”
“Well, I am not one of them. I don’t suppose it has ever occurred to you, Mr. Granville, that being a virgin is extremely tiresome, and that having it constantly thrown up in one’s face is actually quite irritating.”

I love music. I love it good loud and blowing the hell out of my eardrums. I’m going to be deaf when I get older, but I’ll also have problems with my knees, fingers and feet so I figured why not my ears too. But point being, god does music make everything better. Most of the time I’m not even paying attention to what’s playing – I could probably hear the same song a few dozen times before I even noticed what was going on – but the louder it is, the less I can hear myself think. I think that’s my problem offline. I’d never be so shy and doubting if I had music blasting my insecurities away. Maybe that’s why when I have a CD player with me I feel like I can take on the world and look at more then just the ground. I actually – gasp – look people in the eye!!! For some damn reason, which I seem to have no control over because as soon as I’m away from the safety of my home and loud music, I can’t anymore.

I have recently realized that I am deathly afraid of – life.

Yeah. I so don’t like it. People think I’m afraid of death but the real truth is that I’m afraid of life. I hate the unknown. I hate mysteries. I hate any form of lack of control. I like knowing exactly what I need to do when and why. Perhaps that’s why even though I hate talking to people as soon as you put me in a group I start taking charge.

There’s moments when I wonder if I real want to do web design for the rest of my life before I remember that I’m a freak of nature and for some reason, new web languages actually makes me giddy. I seriously get excited over say… php.

I’m such a geek. And I have not a damn drop of shame about it. I’ve met more people online who give a damn about me then offline and that seriously does not bother me. Online people don’t give you drama (and I refuse to think about the petty arguments I have.) They just listen to your malfunction and either tell you to STFU, ignore you, or give you a hug and go about their day.

There’s something conforting in that.