It was… probably tied for first in worst day of my life thus yet. First Ricky stomped on my heart, then he decided to pick it up, fluff it out a little before stabbing it repeatedly.

I should not still be dating that man.

Unfortunatly, I love him.

It all started out Friday, with Ricky asking me if I was happy. I told him yes I was (because I am usually.). After a bit of talking somehow we just went about other things. Sunday however I’m chilling and wondering if Ricky is happy, and I get a big fat no for an answer. He doesn’t know why, and I’m startinng to get the “It’s not you, it’s me.” breakup speech. How I deserve better then him, how I love him so much more then he loves me. Basically I asked him if that’s what was happening and got a yes.

So while I’m crying hysterically on the couch (we’re being honest here. There was lots of near-hyperventilating) Ricky goes out for a walk. When he comes back he decides that our relationship might not be what’s making him not happy, and so we decide to stay together.

For some reason, half an hour later, I get this.

“I’ll be completely honest with you. I think I could live my life with you and be happy, but I’m in love with someone else. I have been for a long time. My brothers know it, my friends know it, and I think you know it.”

So while my heart is crumbling to tiny little pieces, I eventually get up and go to the bedroom. At this point I’m both heartbroken and furious. He’s attempting to apologize (I think) while I’m locking him out of the bedroom and furiously throwing pillows at the wall because it’s probably better then throwing things at Ricky’s face.

After awhile Ricky comes back and I leave the room and he has the BALLS to tell me to not be angry. Ooohhh didn’t that get a reaction out of me. I’m pretty sure my reply was something along these lines “You DO NOT get to telll me to not be angry. I CANNOT live my life wondering when the next time you’re going to tell me you’re in love with Julia is. I can NOT live my life like that.” And for once in my life, I actually was shouting in full furious Andi mode. I proudly resisted the urge to be an ass myself and didn’t tell him that Julia didn’t love him and probably never would. (Oh though it was so tempting.)

So I’m furious at this point because this is the second time Ricky has done this to me (and yes, I promise you, he walks a very fine line for awhile.) He asked me before the “I love someone else” line what I was going to do. I gave him the answer that I usually do. “Go home.” he still wants to be “friends” and I’m attempting to explain to him that no, I cannot be just friends with him. I can’t go from havinng everything to having only half. It doesn’t work that way. Plus we all know that I can’t be best friends with guys. I just fall for them, and in this case I already had.

So I’m assuming that during Breakup Part 2 he’s realizing that once I’m gone, I’m GONE. Not coming back no hello later sort’ve gone.

Anyways, because I love the asshole, I do indeed not breakup with him. (Though my trust for him is at about the -5 area.) I’ve had that eerie feeling that this has been coming for a long time, and I finally explained to Ricky that the reason I have Kairi is because if he leaves me I know I can’t be alone.

Monday Ricky explains to me that he’s told Julia off after asking her if say if they were both single would she go out with him, and her explaining with maybe. I guess this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because Ricky realized that he didn’t want to be with her anyway, and that he was in fact happy with me. (Or something along those lines. All I really cared about at the time was the “never talk to Julia again” aspect.)

Since then he’s been very… in love with me I guess. It sort’ve throws me off, but he’s actually cuddling more, saying I love you to me before he gets off the phone and all sorts of normal things.

I never knew I missed those things, but I like them.

So yes, I am perhaps foolish and only asking to get hurt again later, but I love Ricky. It makes forgiving him much easier then it should. I can PROMISE you though that my love is a little less unconditional now. It is much more wary.

If he does it to me for a third time, I will punch him, consequences be damned.

I asked him what would happen if Julia had said yes, or if Julia and Jun ever broke up. He replied with “nothing.”

Regardless, if Julia and Jun ever do breakup, I will be terrified.

I just literally shuddered. I have no problem with bi/lesbian people. Just when they have feelings for me. And… that only goes fro the lesbians… cause.. well actually there are some guys I have problems having feelings for me with, but that’s not the point!

The point is, finding out that your best friend had been in love with you for… nearly as long as you’ve known her is unsettling. I don’t want to have anything to do with Holly anymore and no, it’s not because of this. Mostly because… I don’t know her.

I’m just still thinking that context is really key. Like I can look at something one way and realize that someone else takes it completely differently.

I don’t even know what else to say. Maybe just that my life is… fucked up. God.

Someone was in love with me and will never get me. I’m in love with someone I will probably never have again.

In a way, I suppose I can sympathise. But that’s all…

To know you can affect someone that deeply and strongly is a rather terrifying thought. I made someone want to kill themself. That’s a very… depressing thought so say the least. I loved Holly as my best friend and only that.

On another less… mentally confusing note, I’m doing better. My colds not as bad anymore physically and emotionally… I’m going strong. Surviving. Just maybe I’ll get through this and maybe… maybe… over Peter. I need to get out. I need to flirt. I need to be brave.

Anyone wanna lend me some bravery? <3

I’m scared that without Holly around I won’t have friends anymore. That’s why I’m talking to more people.
I’m terrified that Peter will decide that his first decision that we could never work out will come back to haunt him.
I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a “real” relationship before.
I’m worried that Holly will hate me forever.
I’m hating Holly for what she doesn’t even realize she’s putting me through. At least I knew the affect my decision would have on her.
I’m angry that AI gave me a new roommate without even telling me.
I’m depressed that unless PT cleans up my apartment, my new roomie will get a bad first impression of me.
I’m edgy that I may be friends with my roomie. What’s it really matter when they all leave anyway.
I’m broken about friends. I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me again.
I need to be forgiven. Without it, I think they’ll always be a part of me that’s missing.
I know that all I’m letting people see if my anger. What I refuse to show is that all I’m really doing is wondering if I’ll ever get my friend back.
I regret the fact that I had to hurt Holly so that I could be happy. What I don’t regret is doing it. I waited, wanted and needed this happiness I’ve finally achieved for so long.
I blame myself for every friendship that’s gone wrong.
I wonder if I’m just a really horrible person and I’m the only one that doesn’t see it.
I need to know that it’s okay to be happy.
I am… in love. And I’m terrified to admit it. I’m absolutly terrified that one day Peter will find out and that he’ll laugh. I’m scared that admitting I’m in love will mean that I’m left wide open for him to tear into itny little pieces. And I’m scared that once again he’ll stop having feelings for me. I’m terrified of how much I need him and to admit how much I miss him.
I’m cautious into every thing I do or say involving Peter. I’m scared to say too much and I’m scared I say too little. The same goes for actions.
I’m trying to take everything one step at a time. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this… free. Free to be happy, free to say and do what I want. I’m so… happy for once and with this happiness I’m just waiting for it to all come crashing down. I’m trying to realize that the best way to live is in the moment.

So he said… – Your wolf.

o.o I was like zomg.. lol. So… later we ended up making plans for a 24 hour disney movie a thon. One in which did not include everyone else… Hmm~. I do almost wonder if he did read my xanga because coincidentally he “solved” two of my problems there. I was complaining about how I miss just being able to cuddle up with someone and watch a movie – and then we made those plans… and etc.

My xanga’s not exactly hidden – anyone can read it, just I’ve only used it twice and it’s still rather new. I’ve never needed to use it as I already have Oshima blog, Myspace, here and etc. to post to, and I obviously use here the most.

So it’s like… things are almost turning up. For now, I’m just going to let things run their course and see how they go I guess.

^.~

So this entry is on private mostly because I’m sure a lot of people who read my journal are just tired of seeing me say the same things over, so I thought I’d spare them time.

Why is it that though I know drinking gets me nowhere, that every time there’s something I want to say but am to afraid to, I get that temptation? I know that it’s because when I’m drunk I’m less afraid of the words I’ll hear. I still know what I’m saying when I’m drunk – I have walls far to thick to let alcohol break them down, it’s just that I don’t care as much about what other people will think.

Right now I think I’m talking so much about things to myself because… I’m not talking to them to other people really. What I need is a nice long conversation with Randy where nobody else will be around and I can just talk and talk…

Randy and I were having the discussion about what I would do if I had to make the choice. I told him already that I think I already made it, since I made the choice once before and I think I made it wrong. I didn’t fight for what I wanted at all and I think I let things slip through my fingers far to easily.

At the same time though, I’m afraid I’m letting myself get too hopeful again. Like that if I just waint that maybe everything will turn out alright. Since when have I ever been an omtimistic person? Usually I’m just waiting for things to fall through… I’ve just learned though that it’s easier to expect things to fail then to hope they’ll turn out alright. There’s so much less disappointment that way.

I don’t know… I want things to clear up or out.. but for some reason… I get the feeling they won’t.

I can wonder why though. Why hasn’t he gotten involved with anyone? Why does he tell me what he does every time he gets drunk… and mostly… why is it that when he’s drunk he asked me why I don’t love him…

That would’ve made my life a lot easier, but the question of why don’t I love him is backwards. I’ve been in love with Peter for… longer then I can remember. I don’t even know when it really happened… I just know that seeing him makes me day a little brighter and that I’m sad when I don’t get a chance to talk to him. I know that he’s the only one I can handle sometimes, and that if he asked… I’d tell him almost anything.

Btw… I really do think I’m pathetic. For all of the above and because I can’t ever get him off my mind and thus out of the conversation I have with my livejournal.