I miss my parents and my sister. It’s getting to be that time of year when normally we’re together doing things, and I hate that I miss them.

I miss Thanksgiving at home, and I miss picking out the tree and decorating the tree and snowmen and my bedroom.

Oooh, Ricky got a job interview downtown!! I’m all excited for him, because I’m sure he’ll get it ^___^. He’s all nervous and he doesn’t need to be because I’m sure he’ll do just fine

Holly’s supposed to be up next weekend too, which normally has me all excited as well, except that I’m not really sure if I want her to come up that weekend since it’s the first weekend after I get back, and I’d really just like to spend that time with Ricky. I’ll prolly end up doing just that, because it’s like… but I NEEEEEDDDD tacos, only Ricky instead of tacos!!! <3 We’ve officially been dating for over two months now. o.O It seems like more then that though, which is weird because I just spent half the time we were dating over here in Maine.

MAKE IT SUNDAY NOOOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…. NOW!

The more comfortable I get in this life, the more I resent the people that used to be in it, and I think some of them are realizing that I have this happy life now and they can’t fuck it up. Daniel obviously tried, sending Holly this text msg that was supposed ot be from me saying that I missed Holly and wanted her to come back. Unfortunatly for him, I have proper grammar and he doesn’t. Holly realized right off it wasn’t from me because of that and for using the wrong word in place. “Honey” is not the “Hunny” that would be used… He’s pissing me off. He’s probably like “well I still have your sweatshirt bitch” well guess what… I have the cord that connects the SNES to the TV.. and somewhere in my room is your Japanese book! Pwned bitch.

So, I’m going to end up missing Ricky a lot during these three weeks. I mean, right now I do… give me another few days and I’ll be like…

When Peter can figure out whatever it is he feels her needs to say to me, then fine. And if he never bothers to then well, I guess it’s his loss. But I’m a big girl. I know him and I can read. All he needs to realize is that there really isn’t anything he needs to say to me. Except maybe sorry for being a jerk and breaking up with me over IM. (But then, looking back now as I type this up, I have to remeber that that’s also how it all started.) So in less then a month it’s my 21st. I told Daniel that I want a party. Or rather, I said I will not let it go by sober. I guess Holly’s supposed to be up that weekend. I put my foot down however and told Daniel she will not be there for my birthday. I so refuse to talk to her if she’s looking at pity on either of our ends. I’m happy now, she’s happy now… etc. I feel like I have a lot less weight on my shoulder. Daniel wants me to talk to her soon, which while I know I said I’d do I keep putting off. I just don’t feel like explaining to her why I ignored some of the action she did.

I’ve honestly come to that point where I’m happy and that happiness doesn’t depend on someone else.

You know what?

If feels really good. Good to not wake up and wonder if someone else was going to make you have a good or bad day. Good to remember what things truly make me happy and doing them for reasons I want to.

4 months ago I made a decision that did ultimately, change my life. I made the choice to potentionally give up everything for a chance with Peter. In the end it turned out I really did end up giving up everything, but some of that was my own choice. I don’t talk to either Holly or Peter anymore, in part because I need to not talk to them. With Holly I’m always afraid of what’s going to happen. Because she has a tendency to make things change, for the worse or better. I didn’t want that to happen. If things went beter, I wanted it to be because I WANTED it to get beter.

With Peter… I can’t talk to him. To get over him, to not care about not seeing him for weeks on end… I just… erased him. All his stuff is buried in misc. places around my apt, his bracelet and ring are… (on the floor I think. o.O) I even took him off my buddy list. That was one advantage I had with Holly, was that since she moved out, she was just gone. Peter… was just there one day and gone the next.

In both situation with both endings – one I knew was coming and one I didn’t know was, I wouldn’t change the way they happened. With Holly it could never really be sudden. It would’ve been like waking up with my left leg missing. I needed to be slowly edged into it. And sadly unlike Holly, I did have a week to prepare for what was coming. I had a day to say goodbye.

Peter… Peter was more an addiction. Something you needed to quit cold turkey and just never see again. Granted at some point I probably will, and I have an odd feeling that it would be realy weird for a moment before we didn’t care. A month ago that wouldn’t have been true. But after all this time, I’ve just… not stopped caring, but just… I don’t know. I do care that he completely abandoned us for his other friends. I don’t care that he could be screwing every one of them. I’m more hurt that I lost his friendship then that I lost /him/ now.

This time in Maine, as I mentioned… has been refreshing. It’s been… perfect really. Nobody bugs me to do things I don’t want to, I can wake up and sleep whenever I want, spend the entire day poring over PHP and SQL all I want…. and it doesn’t matter. It’s truly been a vacation.

So 4 months after everything started, I’ve finally accepted losing everything… and sort of never felt more together. Plus, I still have Daniel

So yeah. I’m having a very nice vacation here which is kinda just what I needed

And then I asked my mother OVER A MONTH AGO to get my FAFSA done before today, the 28th. On the 25th I even reminded her once again that it had to be done. Yeah it’s still not done. A lacking of FAFSA can seriously screw up my Financial Aid, and since I’ve already spent more then enough time in there for the next year already, I think this want to have it actually done is justified. My sister is finally going to get off her ass and do it tomorrow. This is all because she actually has to done my Father’s taxes before I can do my FAFSA – which she really has to do anyway.

Then there’s all this stuff where I have to meet my new roomie when I get back and the fact that Holly’s still attempting her little myspace drama… it’s all crap and I just wanna go home and get the first few days over so I can get back to my nice normal schedule. And Daniel better still be around because if he won’t be I’ll kick something.

I’m so so so tired of her crap about all of this. I really just want to tell her to shut the fuck up, and grow up. She had no feelings for Peter anymore, why the hell would it matter if I dated him or not? Her “betrayal” point is complete crap. I didn’t betray her, especially if she saw it coming. Actually I wanted to ammend what I was saying I wanted to say with – and oh yeah, I really am so much happier with you not around anymore, and I really do socialise and go out so much more now. Maybe it was just because of you that I didn’t want to before afterall.

She’s being all like – “Oh I guess it’s easier for people to get over things when they didn’t get fucked over” or “Well I guess you never really cared afterall anyway…” Grr. Argh. STFU bitch. Or hey – stop pretending you’re not doing all this to get a reaction out of me. So that’s what’s making me happy. As far as she knows I’m not really reacting to this at all and I know it pisses her off.

Oh, and I haven’t even commented on how I got stuck in Washington D.C. yet for the night. So you see, here I was at O’Hare, and my damn flight gets delayed because the plane that was taking off right before mine had technical problems. Because of that, I missed my connection in D.C. (note this, by 5 minutes. And originally they had said they were going to wait for us then suddenly decided to take off afterall.) so I spent a good hour and a half running around getting myself a hotel because I wasn’t staying in the airport overnight and making sure I had a flight for the next day and everything else. So I stayed in a hotel and then from there was flown to NY and from there I finally got to Maine. Note that during all this time I didn’t even have a cellphone because it had previously broken in half.

((On an extra note, I need everyone’s phone number again… except for Madelin’s cause her’s was in my ollllddd cell phone unless it changed at some point. ))

The thing is, I’m being emo about being emo.

I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy when there’s no drama in my life. I mean, it’s like… there’s all these people and they have someone significant in their lives and I just… don’t. I don’t like being alone and I don’t like being by myself.

I mean, I am happy, but… I’m not, you know?

Maybe I’m just not happy because i know I’m not as happy as I could be.

Oh well. I go to Maine Friday and when I’m there I never think of anything along these lines and I’ll be there for three weeks, so I only ave to suffer for another couple of days before it’s all over with anyway.

Hohum. I know I can make it that long anyway. On better notes, I’ve so totally decided to just fuck Peter afterall. I mean in the I don’t fucking care about him anymore type of way because he’s a bastard and used me and my best friend. So we have now both realized this and decided that Peter can go fuck off for all the both of us could care and I hope he realizes it.

He died on the Sims 2 today while I was playing it.

I didn’t even feel bad. ((Dude I do now that I’m dating him… haha… oops. Sorry Peter. I was having an angry day.))

Actually, I laughed.