Rywn » past

Sorensen — Sun, 24 Jul 2005 14:49:00 +0000

Ok, so I think I’ll be able to handle… whatever happens so long as I can manage to contain my jealousy… honestly, I’m amazed I fell for Peter in the first place when we do so little together as friends. I keep screwing up and talking to Holly even after I decided it would be better probably for both our sakes if I didn’t. It will be good for me to move on from Peter anyway, and not because of everything. I need someone who I know I can always talk too, and while I know that as I friend he would be but I want the kind of freedom like Holly has with him that I just don’t. It gives me a sad smile to know that I’m not jealous of Holly but that she has that with Peter and we never reached that point. I know a part of me is furious that I’m just giving up on someone I felt so strongly for yet again that it’s causing me to be angry and off balance. I have a sort of post-humorous anger at Peter too that while he probably deserves it, I know he didn’t intentionally do what he did.

I don’t think anyone, let alone me wants to think of heartbreak… it hurts. It hurts so much to just deny everything, to know how quickly everything ended between him and I before it really began and how obvious it is to even Holly that things changed. I want so much to say that mine did too, and I know they did… just not the way I’m letting anyone think. Over the vacation, I missed Peter. A lot. And I made so many choices that were so easily crushed. The backwash of this has me rebounding to denial. Denial so that at least someone comes out of this for the better, even if it means I die a little for it. I’m sorry, so sorry for all the pain I caused. If I had just denied this all in the first place, it never would’ve happened. So now, now at least I will to everyone but Randy and you my little journal because I know that neither of you can hurt me like I have myself.

I’M SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorensen — Wed, 20 Jul 2005 14:34:00 +0000

Right now I feel like I’m trapped between two worlds. And I know I’m wavering toward one more then the other. I could not verbily like Peter any more. I could pretend that nothing bothers me when it happens and act like I’ve gotten over him. I’m just so tired of always being the bad one, the bitch that lately it’s been even easier to be one. I’m so tired of being alone that I really just want to be alone.l Right now I don’t know how to act around Peter, what I should expect from him or anything, I’m tired of always being Holly’s scapegoat. I make mistake in my life, I’m sorry. And Daniel just bugs me like always. Sometimes… it’s so frustrating when Holly gets all angst! because she has so many people actually there for her. She has the three of us here and everyone when she foes home and I wonder if she’s just blind to how lucky she can be. I’m tired of all this… jealousy and envy I get all the time. I’m tired of always watching their movies and getting mocked for mine. I’m just… so tired of trusting Holly so much when it’s obvious I shouldn’t. I just want to be happy. And if right now that means… living in denial, then I will. Someday I will find someone who understands me and who I don’t always 2nd guess. I miss the kind of friendship I had with Brian and Sarah and the days when I was energetic and wild. So to do that, I’ll deny everything. And when those stabs of envy and pain come because he’s so much closer to Holly then me… I will ignore them. I can handle it… just… please don’t make me suffer. I don’t want to know if he no longer has any feelings for me because then I would hear the answer which would break me either way.

Sorensen — Mon, 06 Jun 2005 14:39:00 +0000

I find that one of my continual problems is guilt. I feel guilty for liking Peter, guilty for ever telling Holly, for acting out. For this entire mess. If I had or could even now just manage to ignore my feelings when they’ll only get me in trouble, this would be easier. And I have fear. Fear that he’s toying with me, that if Peter ever knew… any of this, he’d laugh. Laugh and pity the poor stupid girl who foolish let herself believe that one day something could work out. Calm and withdrawn. Just need to be how I deal. Especially if this works out like I hope.

Sorensen — Sat, 04 Jun 2005 14:31:00 +0000

It’s strange really, I’m not used to people telling me to do what I think is best for me anymore. I’ve gotten so used to people telling me that I need to think of them that it’s truly strange. it angers me so much when I’m expected to just give up everything I want because of her. I hate that she doesn’t even understand how much I do for her. I do know that I need to make a decision very soon and that whatever that choice is, I desperately need to stick with it. I can see that I’m getting tired of it, tired of him and what he makes me wonder, that I have to doubt. I also know that I resent Holly a lot for never giving me even a chance to see what I feel for himand how real it is. I don’t like being jealous of someone simply because he will talk to her and not me. That she can just go and do things and I can’t.

I want to know when it was that I admitted to myself that I truly did like Peter. I do however, refuse to love. Loving someone in this situation will only bring me so much more pain that I don’t think I can handle. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t best friends with Holly. Everything would be so much easier then on me at least. But honestly, why do I even hope? Haven’t I learned by now that nothing goes the easy way. Maybe I should just play off the “If you love something, set it free”, even if it doesn’t mean the same thing as I’m thinking, it still applies in a way. Just… something to get this weight off my chest. I can be strong and free again if I could just go with the decisions I make.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Sorensen — Sat, 21 May 2005 14:29:00 +0000

Hehe, Peter is an interesting critter really… it’s weird how I don’t flirt with him as much as I would otherwise cause he is a flirt. Heh. Hmm. So that whole don’t flirt back at him thing didn’t really last entirely so long… oh well. I’ll figure out something eventually. Bleh.

Sorensen — Wed, 11 May 2005 14:16:00 +0000

Ugh, I hate when things happen and I really have no control of things. It annoys the hell out of me. Blargh. Daniel really frustrates me. I’m beyond tired of always doing something wrong when it comes to him. With Peter… I’m just so tired of being toyed with. I’m at a point where either something needs to happen or nothing because I can’t stand to be strung along anymore. Holly’s preventing me from dating Peter even if I could, so when it comes to that boy, i really do just need to stop. It’d be so much easier for the both of us. Even if I really don’t want it to go that way. It doesn’t matter, Peter would never date me anyway. Keh. Meh. I guess I’m just back to hoping that I just meet somebody or myspace works out better then I’m figuring it will. And I still miss Brian. Stupid hindsight. It’s not fair, the world should’ve just told me that I could’ve saved myself a lot of time pain and sorrow from the start. Why would someone date me anyway? I’m horribly whiny and picky. I love being spoiled and cuddling. I’m expensive to shop for. -_- Meh. Holly will strangle me if she see’s me writing in this, but she’s the one who left me all alone! That’s a dangerous thing to do when all this stuff has been happening.

I’m really annoyed with Daniel though. I’m so fucking tired of him bitching about something I do. OMFG! I hit him with my pillow! The horror! God… shit the fuck up and stop whining bitch. I don’t really like you much anyway and I’d never deal with you if it wasn’t for Holly. Next time, say it to me so I can fucking tell you all out just what I think of you. You’re an embarrassment to be around with in public. Heh. Yeah I needed to do that.

My way of being hurt when Holly talks to Peter? Decide now that it doesn’t matter even though it really does. Because then I have that one protective layer on me at least… this is all just really far to much for me to handle, mainly because there is no way for me to “handle” it. I’m not used to wondering how someone felt about me, and I used to be so good at just not letting anyone through the wall of “mess with me and I’ll fucking kill you so hard that your death came multiple times.” And my mind just keeps wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just… push them all away again before they can hurt me. Which… I really might do… it would save Holly from having to watch and me from getting to that point again. I wouldn’t have to deal with any of the shit boys keep dishing out either. God I don’t want too… I like being happy but it just lets in so much of everything else right now along with it. I just… it’s so not fair that Holly has those feelings for Peter and then all this happens. And I thought I didn’t like Peter as much until I… thought about it. Please… please just don’t hurt me badly this time world. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take before I just break again. The ice is so thin right now…

Sorensen — Fri, 22 Apr 2005 14:11:00 +0000

Wow, without my laptop I get really bored. It’s weird, my patience goes a lot faster on other people’s computers. Especially when I’m losing the war with ad-ware on the damn thing. I really rather wish I had an interesting book or two to read. Alas, I only have books I’ve read or discovered I don’t like. Damn. My video games are fair frustrating, especially when I’m getting one boss battle upon yet another. I just want plot, is that too much to ask?

Apparently it is.

Sorensen — Thu, 21 Apr 2005 13:57:00 +0000

Wow, it’s been a really long time since I used a journal that wasn’t online. Things have just been so confusing lately that I couldn’t see the harm in doing it. It was… bad enough to begin with I suppose. Anytime that two friends like the same guy, nothing good can happen. But I, being me, stepped back. After Sarah, I didn’t want any of that shit in my life. It just made me depressed and sad. Plus it was obvious that Holly liked him way more then I did. I didn’t even really know Peter. Then last week happened. Holly finds out that Peter doesn’t want her and is heart-broken. I felt so bad that night… really.Oddly however, this is sorta making me miss Brian, but it’s also dangerously putting grounds into liking Peter which is like… forbidden. I refuse to have a real true crush on him! It’s stupid and asking to get hurt. And if there’s anything I should’ve learned to avoid by now, it’s that.

On another note, I really am glad to be free of Lindsay. The stress I always had wih her I wouldn’t wish on anyone. She messaged me and all I could think of was – why? I don’t even keep her on my buddy list.

New thoughts – is it strange to feel left out? Holly’s always going over to Daniel and Peter’s to do her homework or other stuff… being hte only one not in Game Design really sucks sometimes. But sometimes, it isn’t as bad. I mean, for the first time in like… 3 years I have someone I could call a best friend. It’s weird, and I’m still getting used to that whole actually have someone to tell stuff to thing. I missed it. It’s funny really, how much of a difference talking can make. How much or how quickly I get lonely and sad amazes me once in awhile.

So I write. And write.
It does, on occasion even make me realize how little my parents know about me. Do they know my favorite colors? What I spend the most $$ on a week? What classes I like and hate most? No. They really don’t. In a competition about me, I think they’d lose. I find it odd that my Dad has more faith in me then my Mom. Dad knows I’ll never be able to leave the city, and Mom’s still thinking that I’ll come running home any minute. They’re wrong. (Especially Mom.) I love the city, even how it never really gets dark. Oddly, of all things, I feel safer here. Mentally because nobody cares and physically because they keep us behind one lock after another. I adore being able to look out my window and see so much.

And now, as Holly calls it, I’m done doing “that thinking thing.”