Rywn » pissed

Sorensen — Tue, 17 Jan 2006 04:13:00 +0000

Mm, so one of these days I’m probably going to go deaf from listening to my music so loud. You see, when I wear headphones I have a tendency to listen to them so loud that you can hear them on the pther side of the room, even when they’re on my head. I don’t like hearing anything but my music, that’s all. This has a tendency however, to be doubly so when I’m more then intentionally making sure I can’t hear the things going on around me.

Like right now. When people start just talking about things that I have no idea about when there’s three of us, it pisses me off. Like when people just start talking about Maya and shit. DO I JUST START TALKING IN WEB DESIGN AROUND YOU? NO.

What’s probably pissing me off the most is that I’ve been trying to talk to Holly all day and she’s just like… ignoring me or saying nothing’s wrong when I try to talk to her. Bitch, soon as Daniel comes your all about talking but when I want to talk you’re like… what?

OMG ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh God that frustrates me like no other. DO NOT FUCKING LIE TO ME.

I’m not a moron. I am not blond. When you get drunk and get overly pissed off about things, OBVIOUSLY there is something still bothering you that you’ve chosen not to tell me.

Plus, she was like all: I’m not going to smoke anymore, really! And then not even a week later she’s trying to come up with every exuse she can think of to get around it. God. Fuck you. If you want to fucking die LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON I’VE LOVED THAT SMOKES HAS then go ahead. But don’t try and fucking tell me it’s so you can be social.

I don’t think anything pisses me off more then people who try and fit in by slowly killing themselves.

Calm music is not calming me down at all. I want to motherfucking rip off someone’s head. And I was in a good mood today, great even.

I can also handle people most days. I however have come to the realization that there are some people I can not deal with seeing everyday for a week straight. I just can’t.

Plus me trying to deal with everything else going on, as usual, is not working. I can handle it like… outwordly, but inwordly I’m like omfg, this sucks. Oh well, at least I’m a friend.

Blah. Pissy much.

I’ll rage more later.

Pissed

Sorensen — Sat, 11 Jun 2005 13:34:00 +0000

Wow, I love the fact that I can annoy my friends just because I have less work then them. SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE! Just because you have MORE work then me doesn’t mean that what I DO have isany easier. “Oh she’s just playing with text.” FUCK YOU! Typography is a bitch! I have to watch where, how, near what, in what font, style, and size all that crap is. Not to mention making sure it’s all aligned after I cut it and how much fucking money I’ve spent on the class. Then we have WIM – Oh you poor babies – it takes me less time because I’ve spent years ahead of time actually learning the things about my major unlike you all. Maybe if you had even tried to learn Maya before now you wouldn’t be spending an assload of time redoing your projects because you fucked them up. You took your fucking 3 class quarters when you had your fundamentals classes because you were too stupid to realize you should probably save them for when you had overwhelming schedules. Poor babies, I don’t pity you because your morons. Granted, I realize I’m probably annoying them all because I want to do stuff and they have homework, but what do you want? I’ve spent the last few weeks battling for any time with my friends since they’re always doing homework.

Don’t even make me get into that I’m being whiny because I’m lonely for other reasons. I’ve mentioned that before, so whatever. I’m just pissed at Holly for putting me into that position, and actually, pissed at Peter for just being able to turn it off. Especially for finally telling me something and then acting like it never happened – rather, being *able* to act like nothing happened.

Yeah, I think I’m just getting pissed off that I’m annoying people too.

Requiem On Repeat

Sorensen — Sun, 05 Jun 2005 00:48:00 +0000

How is it that I can want this, but feel that?
Think I finally know where my up is,
Only to learn that I’ve been going down.
I want so little, and take too much,
I just want to know what I think
To think about what I really know.
I wish I could save us from this,
Just forget about everything.
But it’ll still be here tomorrow,
Still this ugly curse upon us.
And I want to blame him for it all,
But I know it would’ve happened,
If not now, then, maybe later.
And I hate that I feel guilty,
I feel guilty that I hate.
I blame myself for everything,
Even knowing you do too.
You place yourself in the open,
And I pity what it is that I see.
To many thoughts telling me ,
Just ignore it, just avoid it ,
Do what’s best for you,
Don’t get hurt the same way,
Yet again and again and again I do.
My hearts taking too much beating,
And I don’t know where it lies anymore ,
Not with myself, nor her, nor him.
I tried so long to help her,
But I couldn’t save it anymore.
I know things changed back then,
Then changed even more after.
I’m horrible, I really know,
For wanting you to learn,
How betrayed and hurt I feel.
I don’t know if you realize,
That your words hurt too,
They crush me, make me doubt,
That I even deserve to wonder,
If you’ve even been there for me,
Ever even stood there with me,
But I’m always expected to back away,
To be the one who gets hurt.
That I have to stand there for you,
Taking all the blows, being your shield,
But my shell is cracking, it’s crumbling,
It can’t take this anymore.
I don’t know what I’m saying,
I just know that for so long,
I’ve been trying to save you,
Save me, save all of us,
From this stupid curse betraying us.
Look at what it causes,
he doesn’t want to know
You’re trapped in within it,
and I’m blind to what I see.
Words on words, stones after stones,
We just continue to throw and throw.
My heart broke once for you, and now
Now it’s breaking because of you.
You can’t even see,
what it is that you do to me.
I try, so hard I try,
To help, to avoid, to save,
But you don’t even know.
The voices inside my head,
One shouting, she knows, he told her.
But another’s shouting to me,
You’re supposed to stand beside her.
The first shouts again, but shouldn’t she,
Also be standing beside of you?
For months you tried to help her,
But these months she’s never ever,
Tried to help you out.
Even the rules are confusing,
One shouts, stay away from him.
But another one is reminding me,
That now she should back away.
The last is yelling at me, telling me,
We both should back away.
But though that is on repeat,
And I try so much and so hard to listen just can’t.
I don’t want to, even if I do.
I’m so angry, so hurt that she doesn’t see,
All it is I try to do try not to do.
And I hate her for standing there,
For being there and in my way.
I hate so much and so often,
That I lose faith in myself.
I’m still looking for those paths of mine,
Still trying to find the way.
Too many dead ends I’ve taken now,
So many wrong turns down dark paths.
I’m just looking for a light to show me,
From someone, anyone, I don’t care anymore,
Of where it is that I should be going,
Cause after every new one opens,
So many more slam shut behind me.
But I don’t think you’ll ever really see,
How broken and betrayed that,
Really you both have left me.

ANGST!

Sorensen — Mon, 25 Apr 2005 07:50:00 +0000

I realize that the only real times I post in my journal is to rant, rave, or be depressed, but yeah. That’s why it’s so great. I can bitch to it and nobody really cares because it means that I’m not bitching at them. And now, let us proach the topic of today’s rant.

The oxymoronic term of “online friends.”

They, to put it simply – don’t exist. An online friend, with rare exception will always be put second to your other needs. They’re great for when other people aren’t around, but hey – as soon as you have real friends they don’t matter anymore, right?

That was my recent discovery.

I’m really – really – fucking tired of being told that I’m someone’s best friend and then get pushed away later because something to big happens in their “real life” that they simply don’t bother anymore. I can give you lists of all the people who don’t bother with me anymore, or have had to many problems “offline”

Allie
Randy
Josh
Rando
Alyssa
Kodie
Tab
Laura

The single person who’s actually overcome this? Madelin. And even you and I dearie have gone through that, we just manage to still talk and stuff.

So… why didn’t I listen to myself a little while back when I said I was done with the whole online friends things? Why don’t I ever listen to myself when it comes to any of my problems?

The Holly-Peter-Me triangle is just a repeat of the Sarah-Jerry-Me triangle and I walked right into it again.

Why is it that I never manage to learn anything from my problems? I’ve done the whole back off thing, it doesn’t work!!! I’ve done the whole, confront them with the problem thing, guess what? IT STILL DOESN’T FUCKING WORK!!!!!

Every time I still manage to get hurt.

This is why I like being anti-social, and this is why I was almost (even I can admit that you can never be really content without friends) content when I had none.

Because… as many problems as I have, I still couldn’t handle losing Holly as a friend. It’s been so long since I’ve had a best friend… I just… want to be happy with it for a little while.

I’ve earned a little bit of happiness, haven’t I?

Mm. The life of your typical angsty teenager. Even if I only have another.. 4-5 months left as being one.

Mmmm. Angst. Happy note… happy note…

Let’s see, well technically I’m not actually depressed or anything believe it or not. I’m just angsty and annoyed. ^.^

So… yeah. I really can’t explain how I’m feeling right now other then angsty… I’m just a bit annoyed with people… and quite a bit of it is my own fault for letting myself walk into the same trap again. Actually… it’s really all my fault. I should know my now that these people aren’t going to keep their word about anything.

Hmm. Harsh. Rather harsh actually.

Life came. They acted on it.

I’m sure more then one of them would be telling me right now that life is more important then stupid people you talk to on the internet.

Oh well.

I’m tired of being told that it isn’t until something happens and they realize it is.

Rantess complete?

Maybe.

If not, I suppose I could just go write in my other journal…

There are days when I’m rather glad that everyone but M&M forgets that I post in this sucker. This is one of them. ^,^

Oh M – When is all your Grad stuff anyway?

- Andi