It was… probably tied for first in worst day of my life thus yet. First Ricky stomped on my heart, then he decided to pick it up, fluff it out a little before stabbing it repeatedly.

I should not still be dating that man.

Unfortunatly, I love him.

It all started out Friday, with Ricky asking me if I was happy. I told him yes I was (because I am usually.). After a bit of talking somehow we just went about other things. Sunday however I’m chilling and wondering if Ricky is happy, and I get a big fat no for an answer. He doesn’t know why, and I’m startinng to get the “It’s not you, it’s me.” breakup speech. How I deserve better then him, how I love him so much more then he loves me. Basically I asked him if that’s what was happening and got a yes.

So while I’m crying hysterically on the couch (we’re being honest here. There was lots of near-hyperventilating) Ricky goes out for a walk. When he comes back he decides that our relationship might not be what’s making him not happy, and so we decide to stay together.

For some reason, half an hour later, I get this.

“I’ll be completely honest with you. I think I could live my life with you and be happy, but I’m in love with someone else. I have been for a long time. My brothers know it, my friends know it, and I think you know it.”

So while my heart is crumbling to tiny little pieces, I eventually get up and go to the bedroom. At this point I’m both heartbroken and furious. He’s attempting to apologize (I think) while I’m locking him out of the bedroom and furiously throwing pillows at the wall because it’s probably better then throwing things at Ricky’s face.

After awhile Ricky comes back and I leave the room and he has the BALLS to tell me to not be angry. Ooohhh didn’t that get a reaction out of me. I’m pretty sure my reply was something along these lines “You DO NOT get to telll me to not be angry. I CANNOT live my life wondering when the next time you’re going to tell me you’re in love with Julia is. I can NOT live my life like that.” And for once in my life, I actually was shouting in full furious Andi mode. I proudly resisted the urge to be an ass myself and didn’t tell him that Julia didn’t love him and probably never would. (Oh though it was so tempting.)

So I’m furious at this point because this is the second time Ricky has done this to me (and yes, I promise you, he walks a very fine line for awhile.) He asked me before the “I love someone else” line what I was going to do. I gave him the answer that I usually do. “Go home.” he still wants to be “friends” and I’m attempting to explain to him that no, I cannot be just friends with him. I can’t go from havinng everything to having only half. It doesn’t work that way. Plus we all know that I can’t be best friends with guys. I just fall for them, and in this case I already had.

So I’m assuming that during Breakup Part 2 he’s realizing that once I’m gone, I’m GONE. Not coming back no hello later sort’ve gone.

Anyways, because I love the asshole, I do indeed not breakup with him. (Though my trust for him is at about the -5 area.) I’ve had that eerie feeling that this has been coming for a long time, and I finally explained to Ricky that the reason I have Kairi is because if he leaves me I know I can’t be alone.

Monday Ricky explains to me that he’s told Julia off after asking her if say if they were both single would she go out with him, and her explaining with maybe. I guess this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because Ricky realized that he didn’t want to be with her anyway, and that he was in fact happy with me. (Or something along those lines. All I really cared about at the time was the “never talk to Julia again” aspect.)

Since then he’s been very… in love with me I guess. It sort’ve throws me off, but he’s actually cuddling more, saying I love you to me before he gets off the phone and all sorts of normal things.

I never knew I missed those things, but I like them.

So yes, I am perhaps foolish and only asking to get hurt again later, but I love Ricky. It makes forgiving him much easier then it should. I can PROMISE you though that my love is a little less unconditional now. It is much more wary.

If he does it to me for a third time, I will punch him, consequences be damned.

I asked him what would happen if Julia had said yes, or if Julia and Jun ever broke up. He replied with “nothing.”

Regardless, if Julia and Jun ever do breakup, I will be terrified.

TOday I thought I was going crazy twice. Seeing things that aren’t there are one thing, but smelling them? Eyes play tricks on you but when the hell does your nose? It was all so sudden and quick that afterwards I was left just wondeirng if it had really ever happened in this first place.

I’m ashamed at myself in months previous. Downright ashamed. I don’t even know if it’s months, or just plain out years. I’ve been weak. I’m not saying that falling in love was weak, but how I acted when I was, was. I wanted to move to Chicago to become more independent and in some ways I did, and in some ways I crippled myself.

I just read my Horoscope for the day as I did this. Ironic really.

Overview: Ever thought about giving your anxieties a break? Funnily enough, they might not enjoy hanging around so much — and you’re more than ready to give ‘em a rest. Your outward tranquility increases with your inner peace.

I rather think it’s right.

I’m scared that without Holly around I won’t have friends anymore. That’s why I’m talking to more people.
I’m terrified that Peter will decide that his first decision that we could never work out will come back to haunt him.
I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a “real” relationship before.
I’m worried that Holly will hate me forever.
I’m hating Holly for what she doesn’t even realize she’s putting me through. At least I knew the affect my decision would have on her.
I’m angry that AI gave me a new roommate without even telling me.
I’m depressed that unless PT cleans up my apartment, my new roomie will get a bad first impression of me.
I’m edgy that I may be friends with my roomie. What’s it really matter when they all leave anyway.
I’m broken about friends. I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me again.
I need to be forgiven. Without it, I think they’ll always be a part of me that’s missing.
I know that all I’m letting people see if my anger. What I refuse to show is that all I’m really doing is wondering if I’ll ever get my friend back.
I regret the fact that I had to hurt Holly so that I could be happy. What I don’t regret is doing it. I waited, wanted and needed this happiness I’ve finally achieved for so long.
I blame myself for every friendship that’s gone wrong.
I wonder if I’m just a really horrible person and I’m the only one that doesn’t see it.
I need to know that it’s okay to be happy.
I am… in love. And I’m terrified to admit it. I’m absolutly terrified that one day Peter will find out and that he’ll laugh. I’m scared that admitting I’m in love will mean that I’m left wide open for him to tear into itny little pieces. And I’m scared that once again he’ll stop having feelings for me. I’m terrified of how much I need him and to admit how much I miss him.
I’m cautious into every thing I do or say involving Peter. I’m scared to say too much and I’m scared I say too little. The same goes for actions.
I’m trying to take everything one step at a time. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this… free. Free to be happy, free to say and do what I want. I’m so… happy for once and with this happiness I’m just waiting for it to all come crashing down. I’m trying to realize that the best way to live is in the moment.

Thursday night I had to answer to a lot of things, up to and including why I made the choice I did even though I knew what would happen as a result. I simply told her the truth, because I finally decided I needed to do what would make me happy instead of living my life trying to keep Holly happy. I regret that things happened the way they did but honestly and truly, Peter makes me -actually- happy. Not just momentarily happy. HAPPY. Holly said a lot of other things she eventually ended up taking back on Sunday, but I still felt two inches tall.

Friday I was a mess. I spent the first half of the day crying while Holly was still around, then I moped, and then by halfway through the day I just got angry and then I got to the point where I was like “Well… Holly has a lot more problems that she’s really dealing with more then just this and that’s why she’s home.” For the most part, I’m still telling myself that. Mostly because it’s true. Holly’s whole world literally revolved around making me happy, she got dangerously depressed whenever we fought and hurt herself, and she completely overstresses about things… etc.

Saturday Peter came in and we just blew off the whole day with Daniel going to the movies, getting KFC, packing up Holly’s shit for her (doing the mass amounts of dishes in my case) and etc.

Sunday was the day Holly moved out. At 9am I ran my ass to Daniel’s room so I wouldn’t have to confront Holly at all, which was probably good because when she first came in she was all angry and etc. two hours later she was a sobbing mess and came to see me and just… yeah so she was just like “I can’t even stay angry at you” basically that’s still the state she’s in. I was fine. Basically everything seemed like it happened to me over weeks not days or hours, so I was just like – “It’s ok Holly.”

Monday. Today. So I’m still dealing with that Holly’s not here. It’s not like *SOB* WHY’D YOU LEAVE ME… (that was Thursday night) it’s like… Err.. ok… what do I do now?

So everyone keeps asking me how I like living alone. I honestly have no idea. Daniel’s lived with me since Friday. He just took it upon himself to invite himself to move in.

…There goes that alone time I thought was at least a plus side to this.

But yeah, it’s the when I get bored not having something to do, it’s the not having someone to talk to in the morning when I wake up, it’s the being woken up when someone other then Holly is moving around the room… basically it’s the fact that I just keep getting reminded that not only is she NOT here but that she’s not coming back.

Plus today just started out bad. Holly packed a lot of the stuff while she was still bitchy, so thus she was trying to screw me over. Like taking ALL the laundry detergent (I can understand taking hers… BUT WHY MINE TOO??!! I HAD LIKE ONE LOAD LEFT IN THE POOR THING!!) All the conditioner (but oddly leaving me all the Shampoo…) the waffles (ZOMG SHE TOOK MY WAFFLES).. and the toilet paper. Ok. So I had NO TISSUES, NO NAPKINS, NO TP. All I had was paper towels. So I had to ask my parents for money. I hate asking my parents for money. I had to like beat down my pride with a mallet to do it.

So yeah.. I’m pretty much living with Daniel. While not driving me CRAZY it’s not what I’d prefer you know? I’d RATHER that I was alone. I like being alone. I really really don’t mind it, and for some reason people get the concept in their heads that I do. Yes, I hate being alone… but I’m refering to having no friends. Not literally being alone. I like that.

Anyway… yeah. Craziness.

Maybe cause I really wanted to do something today, maybe it’s PMS, I don’t know, I don’t care, I just know that I felt rather… lonely? Holly’s been modeling the entire day so she really hasn’t done anything and then like… I wanted her to try out the last.fm radio and when I was having trouble she was just like.. “Thanks and all but I really just was to model and listen to my music…” I was all sad and angry I think cause like.. all I do is computer stuff…

Plus I’m like… wavering on other things cause like… I think I just want to pass it off as Peter just being drunk. It’s… so much easier to handle if I just don’t take anything seriously so I don’t.

And then like… people are getting upset with my because I lock my computer. Everyone’s all like… “Is there something you’re keeping from me? Do you not trust us?” But like… I just like it locked. I mean… you even admitted that once when I was upset with you people you tried looking at my livejournal and I keep everything set on auto-login… and Peter was reading my conversations with Randy the other day which isn’t cool cause Randy’s who I talk to about him…

And then Holly was like… all upset that I don’t talk about Peter with her… Honestly, why the hell would I? Peter’s always been a touchy subject between the two of us and why would I suddenly want to start talking to her about the metal malfunctions he causes me? I realize that like.. I usually tell her everything but there’s things she doesn’t tell me, so why do I have to tell her everything?

I’ve always been super over-protective of my journals anyway. I’m afraid because I don’t like many people seeing the stuff that literally goes on in my head since that’s what goes down here… livejournal is my guilty concience, my rational, the voices in my head. Plus this is a side of me that I really don’t like showing people… so why wouldn’t I be? I panic way more and angst way more then people normally think I do. I’m already anti-social enough, I don’t need people thinking I’m wacko to help people not talk to me.

Plus… not that I’m not beating a dead horse here, cause I know I am… it’s like.. Argh. Ebil Peter. I finally manage to beat down most of the emotions I had for him and in like 3 days he manages to ruin it. Damn him and his control over me!

Sigh.

I miss having a male best friend actually here that I can just curl up with and watch movies. I miss having friends I don’t live with. I understand that I don’t need to go see people because my apartment is the pimp house that everyone else calls home, but still. I almost miss the days when people like managed to actually get me to do things. I don’t know what it was.

At the same time, I really wish most people would leave me the hell alone. I get like 6 hours maybe alone a week. It’s driving me absolutly insane since I’ve always been a person who more then valued their privacy. It’s not that I don’t like living with my best friend – it’s great, but like… get out. Lol. Even the time I have while Holly’s in class is invaded by Daniel, and then it’s like.. argh. I don’t know. I’m just around the same people so much that I’m going absolutly insane at seeing them 24/7.

I want to live my life more this year. I’m turning 21 afterall this August. ^.~ but hey, I graduate college in a year and a half and I want to make the best of my life now while I still can. I don’t want to look back at college and regret that I was a hobbit the entire time. Maybe be a little less judging of people… anyway, the point is, I’ll try. I made steps a little while ago over some of the things I want to be different about myself and I think I can actually say… they’re doing well. How well everything holds up when I’ve gone back to Chicago though… I know that’s the real test. When I’m here in Maine I can speak big words but I mean, it’s not like my parents can really make me depressed and stuff.

Inch by inch I’m getting a little more back to the person I was before High School taught me to shut up and know my place. I think that’s what I hated most about High School.. I was always too afraid to step out of that comfortable little bubble I had in school where at east I didn’t get made fun of to my face everyday. Moving to my wonderful little Chicago gave me a chance to break away from that and I never really took it at first. For months I didn’t even have friends until Holy and then from Holly came Daniel and Peter who I really didn’t even consider my friends for the longest time. Now I can proudly say to myself that I view that differently.

I can be a little less afraid and a little less timid… ha… in the past there’s people online who would’ve fallen over laughing at the idea of me a shy or timid person, but that’s seriously who I am “in real life.”

Anyway, I digress. But to start…

Thank you Claire for your last msg. ^.^ And I’m sorry for what I said when we stopped talking for awhile…

Hmm, even though a good deal of people won’t actually read this, I suppose I’ll say it anyway.

I’m sorry Peter for believing people when they told me you wouldn’t listen if I tried to talk to you.

Sorry to Josh if I ever gave you the wrong idea, and I’m sorry for the times I snapped at you.

I’m sorry to Allie for making her make a choice I don’t think she ever realized she made…

But my own thoughts lately have been straying to other things, like the reasons why I left here to begin with. I wanted a second chance at my life, a chance to get over some of the things that bothered me about myself and the way I acted towards the people close to me.

And as much as people have wanted me to change, I don’t think there’s many people who really know just how much I have. When I moved to Chicago, if I did nothing, I grew up. I began to care more about my appearance and the impressions that I was making on people, all while realizing that what people thought shouldn’t really matter. A chance to realize that even though I’d always thought I was so grown up, I was really still as immature as everyone else around me just in different ways. Reflection and time has given me the chance to realize just how horrible of a best friend I can be, or even just how horrible a friend. I used to be terribly cold to my boyfriends and considering how much I needed them as friends, … I regret it.

I don’t think there’s really anything I’ve come to realize this year anymore then how terrified I am of love. I really don’t know where this stems from because I never had the classic heartbreak to stem it from, but I am. I am 100% absolutly completely terrified of loving or trusting anyone. It’s harsh and cold but I don’t think there’s really anyone I’ve come to 100% trust in this world.

I don’t trust my parents because they have a habbit of telling me one thing and then my sister another, I don’t trust my sister because I’m waiting for her to tell my parents anyway… I don’t trust Holly because…

It’s a completly selfish thought, but because I know she wouldn’t do something for me that would make me happy if it meant her not being so. It’s… just with Peter, I always knew that if he would have been happy with her, then I would’ve been happy for them. As much as it would’ve killed me to see, I’d just be happy that they were. And it’s always killed me because as much as I knew I could take a step back for Holly she never would’ve for me, and agreed to that even when I called her on it. The fact that the reason that she doesn’t trust me is because I lied to her, but she went and lied to me about forgiving me for lying to her. Holly is my best friend and I would be lost without her and I don’t even have enough faith in me to trust her with… me anymore.

There’s other important people to me in my life, but even from them I have something I keep from them. For one it’s that I’m trying to get over him, for another it’s that I’m trying to remember I can’t have him…

I know I hurt people when I be honest, but I need to be real with myself. I know that there’s secrets in me that even when I’m drunk as hell on at least 8 shots of rum and washing it down with vodka can’t get out. Doubts that I’m scared to tell people because I’m afraid they’ll judge me differently and things brought up in drunken conversations that we don’t mention.

But there’s apologies I need to make, and I’m afraid to give them. But I will. Maybe it’s my New Year’s resolution.

You know what… maybe I’ll continue this later.