Today has been one of the best kinds of days for relaxing. I opened up nearly every window in the apartment, turned on some good music and just spent the day cleaning and reading fanfiction. Nice and peaceful with nothing to think about except perhaps wondering how on earth I lose so many elastics around the apartment. I think it’s been a day that’s long been needed coming, so many kudos to the bosses at work who gave us all the nice extra long weekend. Ricky came home and we ordered dinner and watched some TV together, and now I’m back to reading some fanfics.

Sorry I haven’t gotten around to updating the journal yet with the print journal, but it could still happen soon! Now Ricky’s in the bedroom watching some Arrested Development and I’m back to his computer reading and just relaxing once more. Might watch some AMV’s soon. I blame my iPod for this, because it’s playing the “May Angels Lead You In” song and I got that originally because of a nice AMV that had Trigun and a few others in it.

Life has been going pretty nicely lately though, but I have learned to shut my mouth up about my opinion when it differs from others on facts… A “See what I have to live with?” comment from Ricky left me a bit wary as it’d been the 2nd in a couple days range along those lines. But really, I think everything else is great – My need to prove myself right (which is how he see’s it, rather then how I see it as – “Am I wrong? Because if I’m wrong I want to know. I need to know. Oh I’m right!/Wrong! Must share…”) drives him crazy. He thinks I’m essentially calling him stupid, which is silly.

But Ricky being called “stupid” is very close to my “shut up” so I try and not go there much… everyone has the one thing that’ll set them off, even in joking.

There’s been some talk of ring sizes and money saving lately, which I try not to let get to me too much… just because there’s talk doesn’t mean anything’s happening, and even if it does, doesn’t say that it’s going to be happening anytime soon. I’m a rather large pessimist on that fact.

Ricky and I finally made it a year without nearly breaking up over Julia though, which is definitely a record on our part. This might be partly due to the fact that Ricky doesn’t even talk to Julia, and has finally seem to have seen the pain of death he’d suffer if he put me through that again.

I sortve love this drive to round lake because it’s quiet and one of those few times where ricky and I just get to listen to music and talk. I’m pretty sure that an iPhone is one of thosethngs where when you get one, you’re never the same afterwards. You’d have to pry this thing out of my cold dead fingers. It’s nice to not has to lug around whatever massive book reading as well.
I want to hang out wihe mike but I feel like it would be weird. I’ve stayed away from the whole friends with guys things since peter. It’s nowhere near he same thing though I guess. I had feelings for peter and mike is just my friend, but I’m just scared. Mike is my first real friend that I didn’t inherit jus by beings friends with ricky since the whole thing with holly. I mostly talk to mike on the Internet so it’s been safe until now.

I’m ashamed at myself in months previous. Downright ashamed. I don’t even know if it’s months, or just plain out years. I’ve been weak. I’m not saying that falling in love was weak, but how I acted when I was, was. I wanted to move to Chicago to become more independent and in some ways I did, and in some ways I crippled myself.

I just read my Horoscope for the day as I did this. Ironic really.

Overview: Ever thought about giving your anxieties a break? Funnily enough, they might not enjoy hanging around so much — and you’re more than ready to give ‘em a rest. Your outward tranquility increases with your inner peace.

I rather think it’s right.

And right now as I sit here on my bed… it’s like a glimpse of that feeling I got while I was in Maine this summer. When I knew that no matter how bad things would get, that everything would eventually be ok. That I could handle everything the world threw at me because I’ve always had the resolution that “After every time the sun sets it rises once more the next day”. I will be… ok. I will know that even when my world comes crashing down, I have people there for me. Even now my sister is practically begging me to transfer closer to home because she misses me veiled under reminders of how much cheaper it would be for me. I know I’m loved.

And this is what I knew I needed, why Holly leaving didn’t bother me because I knew we were growing further apart, because I knew that while Holly doesn’t trust me with Peter, I know I can never really trust her with anything ever again. All telling her my secrets has ever brought me was sadness and pain, because Holly truly can’t handle being there for me when she can barely be there for herself sometimes. And you know… that’s ok. Because… I can handle it. I know that even my my head cries out that it’s alone and in pain… I have friends, maybe not here in Chicago, but in California, in Washington, in Texas, in Maine, Connecticut and other parts of Illinois. And I have my family who will always always be there when my times get rough, waiting to tell me the words of “you’re right, and she’s not” when I needed to hear them.

So… I may continue to think about leaving Chicago.