I know Ricky’s plan for life eventually, I just wish I knew more about it in the short-term plan. I talk about everything in long-time future and eventuallies because I honestly don’t k ow when it’s going to happen. At my age, my mother was already married to my father and pregnant with my sister. That’s an entirely different life then I’m leading. I remember my plan growing up was to never be the old Mom. You know, Ricky’s aleady 25. In January he’ll be 26. At 30, my chances of being able to have even a single child drop considerably.

I was rather hoping that at this point in our relationship that Ricky would translate that to ‘I’m calm and peaceful and happy right now. If we have this conversation right now, that will no longer be true.’ And it wasn’t, because I never had the chance to even discuss options with Ricky before he started talking about it. I hate that. While I told him that I wanted him to think of a solution, I also wanted the chance to DISCUSS THOSE SOLUTIONS before he threw me into a conversation with Roger. It’s an awkward conversation to have.

I don’t know what else to say. Honestly, I’m not even comfortable with Roger being here THREE NIGHTS A WEEK. I’m a very quiet person… I like having the peace and quiet when I get home, and at least if my apartment is a mess, it’s a mess that I’ve simply been too lazy to clean up, rather then a mess I didn’t even help cause. Truly, that makes a difference. I’m tired of the toilet not even being FLUSHED. Up I can handle – it’s annoying, but at least it isn’t fucking disgusting. I think I’m going to go crazy, really. I love Ricky, and his brother is a great person but I can’t have him around that much. The only person who’s even managed to not drive me insane by living with me is Ricky, and that’s because we both actually hold up our ends of the bargain. He does the dishes, takes out the trash, and I cook, and clean up most everything else. Roger is massively expensive to feed. Even if Ricky goes through with this ‘$7 a meal’ plan, I doubt I’m going to see the money very often. Not to mention that it’s not even saving Roger any money. 7x3x2 = $42, which is only $10 cheaper then a 10-Ride on the train. And that’s assuming that he doesn’t spend money for any other meal or exspense while he’s here.

One thing that bother’s me is that Roger didn’t even ask if it was ok, or if he did and it was to Ricky, that Ricky didn’t even bring it up with me. When I agreed to let Roger stay over a few nights a week, I never imagined it’d be for all 3 or 4 years he was in freaking school. It’s just wearing me down. I need a regulated dose of ‘Andi quiet time’ at night. Let’s see where this goes I guess…

So Ricky calls me right before lunch and explains that he’d accidently im’d her or some crap like that and then there was happiness and joy of them becoming friends again and Julia having just got out of another relationship and wanting to hang out with Ricky again.

I actually fled to dominic for help. I don’t know how to say ” no Ricky, I in fact don’t want you going even remotely near Julia, looking in her direction, or thinking about her.” I knew dnic would be able to tell me when i was being paranoid, and when I had a legitimate reason to be worried. Plus, I knew dominic would be able to tell Ricky some of the things that as a girlfriend I really can’t. Like the fact that if Ricky even hints towardsstill being in love with Julia, I’m done. I’m gone so fast that he wouldn’t even have time to blink. I refuse to forever stick around and watch their pathetic story.

More tomorrow.

It all started over nothing. I was completely kdding around with Ricky about him not having google and then he got all seriously angry at me for making him feel stupid or something. This just trigger my own fury over the situation and I finally let Ricky have it, swears over IM and all. He knows I only swear like a sailor when I’m seriously pissed so he dropped it and maybe finally got it through his head that I will never be trying to make him feel stupid intentionally. I love Ricky to death, why would I ever do that?

This is a discussion we’ve had many a time so I’m not sure if I should put any faith into it lasting awhile. Here’s hoping though that he finally got it through his thick head. Sometimes boys drive me insane.

It’s less then three weeks now until my parents arrive and I don’t think i’ve been this excited about something since my sister told me that I was not in fact getting a super nes for Xmas like I asked for but a playstation. Were all planned out to do all sorts of things which has me excited because that means that my dad has to spend time with me doing more then just playing wow at the same time. Yes, my dad plays world of Warcraft. It’s pretty amazing actually. Not too many children can complain that their dad won’t get off wow to spend time with the family and not vice versa.

Things between Ricky and I have been pretty good still, I just don’t hold my breath about anything and then I’m not disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Ricky says that both dnic and Ryan have admitted to being jealous about us and I’m still freaked out that all of the long term relationships that my friends were in have ended. Although I see Ryan and Pam more as a temporary thing because I just can’t picture Ryan with anyone else. Though it would most likely be a good thing as pam hasn’t really proven herself to deserve Ryan, which is pretty much the opposite of wha I wouldve said once upon a time.

Today has been one of the best kinds of days for relaxing. I opened up nearly every window in the apartment, turned on some good music and just spent the day cleaning and reading fanfiction. Nice and peaceful with nothing to think about except perhaps wondering how on earth I lose so many elastics around the apartment. I think it’s been a day that’s long been needed coming, so many kudos to the bosses at work who gave us all the nice extra long weekend. Ricky came home and we ordered dinner and watched some TV together, and now I’m back to reading some fanfics.

Sorry I haven’t gotten around to updating the journal yet with the print journal, but it could still happen soon! Now Ricky’s in the bedroom watching some Arrested Development and I’m back to his computer reading and just relaxing once more. Might watch some AMV’s soon. I blame my iPod for this, because it’s playing the “May Angels Lead You In” song and I got that originally because of a nice AMV that had Trigun and a few others in it.

Life has been going pretty nicely lately though, but I have learned to shut my mouth up about my opinion when it differs from others on facts… A “See what I have to live with?” comment from Ricky left me a bit wary as it’d been the 2nd in a couple days range along those lines. But really, I think everything else is great – My need to prove myself right (which is how he see’s it, rather then how I see it as – “Am I wrong? Because if I’m wrong I want to know. I need to know. Oh I’m right!/Wrong! Must share…”) drives him crazy. He thinks I’m essentially calling him stupid, which is silly.

But Ricky being called “stupid” is very close to my “shut up” so I try and not go there much… everyone has the one thing that’ll set them off, even in joking.

There’s been some talk of ring sizes and money saving lately, which I try not to let get to me too much… just because there’s talk doesn’t mean anything’s happening, and even if it does, doesn’t say that it’s going to be happening anytime soon. I’m a rather large pessimist on that fact.

Ricky and I finally made it a year without nearly breaking up over Julia though, which is definitely a record on our part. This might be partly due to the fact that Ricky doesn’t even talk to Julia, and has finally seem to have seen the pain of death he’d suffer if he put me through that again.

I believe it’s been awhile since I’ve updated you – perhaps this weekend while Ricky’s up at the Ruggles’ without me, I’ll take the time to once more bring the online journal current with my physical one. Life has been… nice lately I guess. Ricky and I don’t really fight, except about stupid small things that are forgotten later. This weekend will be the first weekend in awhile… long while that Ricky and I are spending apart. He seems pretty excited about having a weekend with the guys, and I’m sort’ve excited to have the apartment to myself for once.

I have a bet you see (with myself of course) Ricky says that he’s going to head home as soon as he wakes up on Sunday – I bet that he’s not home until at least 6 or so. I wonder what I should do on Saturday. If I had money, I think I would’ve taken the train downtown and gone to my old borders and maybe seen a movie, but alas… the money is gone. Maybe I’ll cross the street over to the park though and spend awhile just reading and maybe think of things to write about for Cthyerria. I was planning on picking up the apartment too, so who knows what’ll happen. I think I should get out of the apartment and go do something though, if not for the sake of getting out of the apartment as much as anything else. Hopefully I’ll still have the motivation by that time swings around.

I suppose I’ll probably take some time to play my video games and my Sims 3, but who knows what’ll actually happen. Right now I’m just chilling out in my bed, listening to my ‘mellow’ playlist with both my cats at my feet, which is pretty close to bliss, or at the very least, contentment. Jeez… I can’t believe I’m going to be alone for a whole day!! I’m excited as much as I am going to miss Ricky

I do wish I could spend more time with Ricky though sometimes. When I tell people about the weekend everyone says ‘Oh it’ll be good for the two of you to get some time apart!’ But Ricky and I already are apart a lot. He’s not home between 8am and 7-8pm, and then with the exception of dinner (maybe) or a movie (even more of a maybe) he just hops on his 360 and plays the night away with his friends. Tonight he watched the movie with me tonight and then immediatlely jumped over to his 360… even though he’s going to be with them all weekend, he couldn’t spend tonight with me?

There’s something I want to blog about but… I don’t know. I feel like if I say it to anything other then my other journal it’s just… OUT there.

I want to marry Ricky. I wish OTHER people would stop being so down about getting married that I have to feel WRONG for wanting to. I’ve been dating Ricky for 2 year, and 7 months. I haven’t brought up the subject of actually marrying Ricky for.. maybe a year now. I’m afraid to. One of the things Ricky told me about when we had the falling out last year, was that bringing up marriage made him nervous. I think Erin is the only person who I have told about my timeline… I feel like if Ricky hasn’t even brought up getting married to ME (it has to be to ME) after 3 and a half years… then I’m going to have to have a very serious talk with him… that I might not like the end result of.

I have only given Ricky one ultimatum. I will not buy a house with him until after we’re married. I love Ricky – I’ve essentially spent 3 years now with some form of feeling for Ricky one way or another. That’s longer then I have loved anyone – even when I was in love with Peter. How long of waiting for someone is too long, and how long is not long enough? Is there a long enough?

Is it weird to miss someone you see every day? Ricky and I just have this pattern where he comes home and I’m already home and we just play our seperate videos games or watch TV and then go to bed. It’s like even though we’re together we’re not. And I don’t know how to explain that to him anymore then I already have. I’m tired of repeating myself, telling him that I want us to go out and do things!

And sometimes I get really sad. It’s March, and that’s always a miserable month for me. Good things never happen to me in those months, it’s usually when I lose friends who matter to me. March just reminds me of all the friends that have come and gone.

I miss them.

We are realistic with eachother which is something I appreciate more then I could ever have known. Ricky is finally someone who I can tell my greatest fears to without being ashamed of them. I’m not saying that we don’t fight or that we don’t have our faults because we do – but we both try and be a better person. Ricky works so hard to make sure I never have to doubt the fact that he loves me ever again. And I don’t doubt him anymore. I don’t have a constant feeli g or paranoia like I used to – I feel like when he’s with me that he’s actually there for me and not just because I happen to be someone he gets along with.

I’ve been reading the sword of truth books which are actually really good! There 11 books in the series and they’re all around 1000 pages or so, so they’re taking even me a little while to complete.

Well that’s about all for now!