Dammit. I’m not even in the mood to hash out what happened. All I can say is that my mind had pretty much been cracked ice lately and someone finally threw the rock that caused it to break. I’m still breaking apart right now. You know, at least my birthday went over well. I got 5 gazillion Happy Birthdays from the people important to me, and that made me really really happy. My birthday has always been the like.. most important day of the year to me, so that so many people actually card and remembered, was something that even right now manages to cheer me up some. It makes me want to listen to my voice mails again because I know more people called me last Sunday then in the last like… 3 weeks combined. Damn, even Sprinkles and Sara Bretton remembered it was my birthday!! And Randy made a last-minute appearance at 2am and got to see me. That made my friggin month.

The last few days have been such a roller coaster. I’ve been having a lot of fun with Josh but at the same time I’ve been like dead and drained from the breaking and fighting with the boys. Holly’s like… going home next weekend or something which is probably good for both of us. I’ll get some time to myself which I’ve been seriously needing. As it is, I need to talk to Randy today to just vent out and get out everything that’s been bothering me lately. I’m not ever sure where I want to go with my life right now, it’s that serious. I know that Holly’s my best friend and everything, and she’ll make up with the boys a lot faster then I will. Or maybe it’s more that I don’t *want* to make up with the boys. Honestly, I think the best thing for me right now would just be some time where I didn’t have to deal with them at all and I know that I’m not going to get that here. The guys have managed to shake my resolutions again, managed to make it so that I wondered if dealing with people on a regular basis was a great idea. It just seems that whenever something happens they forget how hard it is that I’m already trying to change and try to throw another set of things at me to do then too.

It just feels like all my friends expect me to do is change everything that makes me, me. All the things I stand for, all the things that yeah, I screw up on and the things I have a tendency to do when I get upset and sad. It’s so hard because everything I do when I get scared they attack as well. It’s like, no matter what I do I’m getting attacked from all sides of me at once, and it’s so not fair. I’m always expected to remember that I’m the least important person to them and that before I let something bother me I need to make sure everything else is ok first. Sometimes it just seems like they’re concerned with making sure Holly’s ok before anything else. I was breaking down, but I’m supposed to make sure that Holly’s ok because she went looking for me.

You know what, I did. I asked Josh to make sure that Holly was ok as soon as I got somewhat of a grip over my emotions. I knew that me breaking and not being able to talk to Holly hurt her and I felt horrible for doing it while I did. I’m always more concerned for her well-being over mine, but as soon as I need to actually take care of something that’s about me, I get yelled at for it. I apologized more to Josh in the last few days then I think I’ve apologized in my entire life.

And you know what else they did? And they being Peter and Holly right now. They fucking drugged mine and Josh’s drinks. It doesn’t fucking matter that it was like… 99 cent libido crap. The point is, they fucking put something in my drink and the only reason I found out was because I poured half my drink into Josh’s and then for some reason I think I poured my half into another cup and I found the undissolved pill at the bottom. WHAT THE FUCK???!!! That’s not friggin funny. All I’d been hearing for the last few weeks was crap about things and it’s fucking ridiculous. I’ll do what I want when I want to with who I want to. I don’t fucking need peer pressure about shit. I’m sorry if I want it to be more then a one-night stand. I apologize for having god-damn morals.

Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I
know several thousand things that won’t work. – Edison

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me, I may not
follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. – Albert Camus

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not
seem such a good friend after telling. – Arthur Brisbane

The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. – Cicero

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried
before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth,
and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to
the appellation. – Washington

No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and
reasoning as fear. – Edmund Burke

Fear not those who argue but those who dodge. – Marie Ebner von
Eschenbach

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. – Lincoln

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me
happy. – J.D. Salinger

In order for people to be happy, sometimes they have to take risks. It’s true
these risks can put them in danger of being hurt. – Meg Cabot

Life’s greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved. – Victor Hugo

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in
return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our
faces or leave ourselves open to hurt. – Madonna

Love isn’t a decision. It’s a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would
be much simplier, but much less magical. – Trey Parker and Matt Stone

To find yourself jilted is a blow to your pride. Do your best to forget it and
if you don’t succeed, at least pretend to. – Moliere

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. – Jane Wagner

Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the
present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. – Longfellow

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. – Voltaire

I think I’m getting depressed because I haven’t been hit on or been able to hit on Peter for the last few nights. Seriously, it’s like… depressing me that I can’t. It really rather frustrates me to that because Holly can’t handle it, I can’t even hit on Peter… but hey, you know… I pretty much apologised to her already that this coming Thursday I will be hitting on Peter hard-core. I’m not even going home with her now cause my parents suck, but whatever. I guess I can handle alone-time or something for a week. I’m going to be bored as hell – Peter’s going to be in Joliet and Daniel and Holly will be in El Paso. Yey. Fun for me. I think Peter was starting to get that not subtle at all hint though that I’m really not happy with this situation. Honestly… I know it’s probably better for all of us or whatever, but still. It’s pathetic that I can’t hit on a guy who likes me and vice versa because my roommate happens to like the same guy too and even though he’s told her quite a few times that nothings going to happen, she’s not getting over him. So yes. I want to get drunk so I can remember what it’s like to be able to not watch every action and move I make again.

Goes to show you that you can never really get everything you want. Either flirt and not know, or know and not flirt. Neither really works because without being flirting with I only have the little comments that get made by stray things to hold onto. I just want this whole week to be done and for it to just get over with and be next quarter and all that shit already. BUt yeah, my energy’s starting to wear down, one cause I think I was starting to annoy people and two because all the things that normally I do when I’m hyper and I have energy I really can’t do. This is all actually making me want to do homework or something and that’s just insane. I feel guilty because everyone else has like mounds of homework and while I have a lot, I don’t have nearly as much to do as they do. Granted, I do have one less class then all them, but still.

Oh yeah. I think I’m pathetic because I can’t even handle not hitting on someone for under a week. It is honestly, even if it is something you’ve become accostomed to for the last 6 months or more roughly.

Short version. Yey. Note that sarcasm.

I hate the world.

And people wonder why I’m anti-social. So many great reasons I could give. People suck, I don’t like them, insecure, bad things happen…

Fucking yey.

I want some salt n vineger chips.

-Andi