Jinxsed is good… mods are going good…

*sighs and sits down* I wish the people online were closer to me physically. I’d kill to be able to just run over ot one of their houses and hang out. Maybe moving will be good for me. I’ll get a chance to meet more and new people like myself. Especially at an art school in web design. Hopefully drawing isn’t all that important because well… I suck.

I mean, yeah I’m ok at computer graphics manipulation and stuff but thats as far as it goes. I used to be able to draw, it just was never my thing.

Don’t worry Pookie, she really doesn’t matter to me anymore. Just remember, half my passwords are still involve her birthday. Nothing has crossed my mind to even think about her normally anymore. Him either. One day I’ll see them again and laugh because they were so truly pathetic. So so truly scared that I would come between them. If they had to be that nervous over one girl then I pity their relationship anyway. Maybe thats the emotion I have for her now. Pity. She’ll never go anywhere and never be anything and I don’t care anymore. I flip off Jerry ever time I pass his house. It’s good to get the aggression out.

Scaredy cats really. You know what the one thing I’d say to her if I saw her?

I want my stuff back bitch.

It’s hard to accept going from being close enough to read eachother’s minds, knowing just when to pick up the phone cause she’s going to call, to accepting the fact she doesn’t bother to keep me in her life anymore. Yeah, I’d say that stings. I think Allie lost all respect for her a little while ago…maybe Dusty too, I dunno. I just know I did. The minute I realized I wasn’t part of her life anymore. She had “obligations” I wasn’t a part of.

I hate that I went from having two people I was really close to, to none in under a month. In the span of two weeks I probably lost forever the two people that I could count on on a physical basis. Jerry and Sarah were the people I was the closest too and I feel like one girl managed to take them both away from me. One girl who i thought I could count on and trust with everything in me.

Allie and Dusty are the best people anyone could hope for. I know I’ve said this, but you can never brag to much about the people who let you whine to them constantly and they never tell you to suck it up. They’re always there for me telling me I’m better then them anyway, and why would I want a friend like her anyway. Both always have the perfect words to say to me to pull my day up and make it just a little better.

I’m abandoning my website again, which I hate. It’s just been so hard emotionally to get a grip on anything. What with the whole Mom mentioning Dad and her weren’t doing to well and then blaming it on me, then telling me that it wasn’t my fault, my car breaking down and me having to take the bus it’s just all… out of reach.

I want to get out of this place and off to college, I want Jinxsie and I to both go to Pittsburg. I’m afraid too. Afraid I’ll be alone again. And I’m so scared of that idea. I’ve been left alone so much. Even surrounded by people who love me I feel so isolated sometimes.

~ Me

I calls her up on the phone,
tears in my eyes, hiccups in my words
she tells me not now, I’m busy
but her words only make it worse,
I heard the background, heard the game sounds
she doesn’t care anymore.

They tell me to no longer bother
but I don’t want to listen, give up hope
5 rings, the voice mail picks up,
I leave a message, get no reply.
All I wanted was you there for me
It wasn’t that much to ask.

Few weeks later, I send a message
Why don’t you write? Call? Care?
She says I’m to busy working,
not a single day off?
I get a don’t have time to be a kid.
She’s 2 months older.

Here I am again today.
Wondering what it is, I do
to drive them all away from me
not a single one cared enough to call
Once more I lose that trust in life
why should I bother?

Oh kami. Why do I even bother to try? Every time I make a friend, every time I get close, things start to look up, this one won’t betray me. a month, a year, two later, SLAM they’re gone again. Just when I start to truly trust someone, truly believe that maybe this person won’t hurt me, won’t leave me behind, it happens. I just wish I had * one * person to count on * one * person who I could sincerely just put all my faith and trust in. I love Allie and Claire. They are…the best I could ever ask for in friends. Everything I want. But their miles, states away.

I don’t think my Mom can truly understand why I want away from here. I want away from all these people who remind me I’m alone. Yeah, I do have that loving, caring family that people want, but it’s not perfect either. My mom saying my Dad doesn’t love her anymore, and that he won’t talk to her again for awhile and blaming it on me, even with the apology that it wasn’t my fault later… that still hurts. But there’s…so many secrets, so much my Mom hides from me. Doesn’t tell me my “grandfather” committed suicide, doesn’t tell me he abused her every way possible. I want away from these people, things, places that just come back to haunt and hurt me later.

It’s been like…2 months since I last saw Jerry, last got to talk to him. Ok, that just…sucks. I may not have loved Jerry the way he wanted me to, but I cared about him, and he was one of my best friends. And then one day he up and just never shows up or calls. Even if he talked to Tab and knew I wanted to break up with him,… that’s not what I wanted. never. And it kills me that he could just up and that easily forget all about me. But then… all best friends do.

Ja ne.

Grr! I’m getting really pissed about this whole Kristen thing! Now she only talks to me for like 10 minutes on the phone. I want my god-damn best friend back! I haven’t actually DONE anything with her in…ages. I don’t know if I even want to bother anymore. I’m tired of having to put like all the effort into this. I’m always the one who pushes for us to do something. Cause suddenly it dawns on me that she doesn’t seem to care to much. I’m around Jinxsie more and more often and Sarah is doing something with Kristen like constantly now. Even Jinx agree’s. I feel like I’m being abandoned by her. *Sniffles* My best friend is cheating on me with another girl.

1) Full Name: Andrea Lynn Perruzzi
2) Name Backward: Izzurrep Nnyl Aerdna
3) Were you named after anyone? If I was male, I would’ve been Anthony. My father refused to call me Antoinette for Andrea was what they got.
4) Does your name mean anything?: I suppose it means something somewhere.
5) Nick Name(s): Andi, Andu, Ando, Fred….
6) Screen Name(s): Andiperruzzi (2), andreaperruzzi, Siriusblack4ever, hermione013, starlight_angei, moonlitstarlit, sorensen@jinxsed.com, fred_weasley@jinxsed.com, roswell4ev, misfit1oompa, sorensenss, starlightwishs, musou13, fredandgeorge713
7) Date Of Birth: August 7th, 1985 Place of Birth: Bridgton, Maine
9) Nationality: American

10) Current Location: Maine
11) Sign: Leo
12) Religion: Whatever the heck you call a belief in reincarnation, spirit, and that there very well could be a god, but right now I couldn’t tell you. And if there is, there’s more then one.
13) Height: 5\’5\”
14) Shoe Size: 9…men’s.
15) Hair color: Umm…it was at one point brown…then blonde…then strawberry blonde…then red…blonde…red…copper…mixed…purple…red and blonde and purple….
17) Eye color: Brown
18) What do you look like?: Average height, tanish skin, dark italian eyes, pointed ears.
19) Innie or Outie?: Innie.
20) Righty, Lefty, or Ambidextrous?: Lefty! Cause I just love getting pen all over me as I write.

Who is your…
22) Best friend(s): Sarah, Jinx, Jerry
23) Best friend you trust more than anyone: Sarah
24) Best friends {your sex}: Still Sarah and Jinx
26) Best Bud(s): Lith, Tab, Allie, Claire.
27) Boyfriend: Jerry
28) Crush: …I should say my boyfriend here…
29) Parent(s): Mom and Dad.
30) Worst Enemy: My classmates.
31) Favorite on-line Guy(s): Eh, they’re all the same.
32) Favorite on-line Girl(s): Allie, Claire, Lith, and Tab. In no order.
33) Funniest friend: Jinx
34) Craziest friend: Sarah
35) Fattest Friend: Psh.
36) Loudest Friend: Toss up there. Me.
37) Person you cry with: Sarah. Nobody else.

Do you have…
38) Any sisters: Yeah
39) Any brothers: I will after she marries him.
40) Any pets: Zoei the dog, Allie the Guinea Pig. Named after the friend.
41) A Disease: Last I knew I didn’t.
42) A Pager: no. I’ll stick with my cell.
43) A Personal mohawk: What kinda question is that?
44) A leather jacket with studs on it?: Leather yes. Studs, no.
45) A heroin needle: I like living, thanks.
46) A Pool or hot tub: I have a best friend with both, why do I need them?
47) A Car: I share with Momsie over there.

Describe your…
48) Personality: Grumbling, Leader, Amusing, Loud, Corrupted, Evil.
49) Driving: Since March 4th.
50) Car or one you want: Silver Pt Cruiser, Cresent star stuff painted on.
51) Room: Bed, computer, tv, big video/cd/book cabinet, closet with bureau in it, spare computer chair, old toy chest, stereo, mom’s old mirror, organiser, printer stand become night stand. (note that half that’s organisers. I have a small room.)
52) Shoes: Sandals in the summer, Clogs the rest.
53) School: LRHS.
54) Bed: Twin with 2 folded eggcrates on it.
55) Relationship with your parent(s): Varies daily.

Do you…
56) Believe in yourself: Yes
57) Do you believe in love at first sight?: Yes
58) Consider yourself a good listener: yes
59) Consider yourself a good friend: yes
60) Get Along with your parent(s): sometimes.
61) Save your AOL conversations: Automatically done for me.
62) Pray: no.
63) Believe in reincarnation: Yep. Remember the religion question earlier?
64) Like to make fun of people: Only Furby.
65) Like to talk on the phone: Only with Sarah, Claire, and Allie.
66) Like to hangout late: I am almost 18 you know. That was a stupid one.

Do you…
67) Like to drive: Again, almost 18…
68) Get motion sickness: I’ve heard that when you can easily sleep in cars, that is a form, so yes.
69) Eat the stems of broccoli: Hell no.
70) Eat Chicken fingers with a fork: No. Aint that the point of the finger part of the word?
71) Dream in color: Couldn’t tell yah, I forget soon as I wake up.
72) Type with your fingers on home row: Uhh…I’m not really sure, they just typeit’s more like efa shift jop’ and space.
73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: I admit it, yes. His name is lucky. No, that’s not why. Stop thinking like that you hentai!

What is/ are/ was…
74) Right next to you: my wall, my door.
75) On the walls of your room: Oh god. 2 harry potter kites, 8 harry potter posters, a harry potter calender, a drawing of a baseball, symetrical star, and sorensen, the castle from the first harry potter movie dvd display, with the car from the second, a framed wizard poster, a regular wizard poster, two cardboard things from rite aid’s hanging halloween display 2 years ago, various hp pictures from poster books, a clock, shelves, a troll, a cross with my old dog’s collers covering most of it, Freddie Prince Jr, a snowflake ornament, bunch of small glow stars, a tackboard.
76) On your mouse pad: No mouse pad, mouse ball mouse.
77) Your dream car: You asked this for what question back up there. Remember silver pt cruiser with moon cresent and star paint job?
78) Your dream date: A long list of actors.
79) Your dream honeymoon spot: If I love the guy, any where that’s decent with him, long as it isn’t home.
80) Your dream husband/wife: Funny, cute, I can cuddle with him, romantic, understanding, someone who actually reads a book.
81) Your bedtime: It used to be midnight.
82) Under your bed: a tupperware thing with various Harry Potter card game things, an old sewing kit, my travel bag. my makeup.
83) The single most important question: Can I trust you? Can you?
84) Your bad time of the day: When I wake up to the TV on. Anytime the house isn’t quiet while I’m reading. School when I don’t have friends in my classes.
85) Your worst fear: Losing another best friend.
86) The weather is like: Typical Maine spring weather.
87) The time?: 11:50 pm. Right before .hack//sign
88) The date?: Saturday, May 10th 2003
89) The best trick you ever played on someone: Stuff on George.
90) The weirdest food or drink that you like: Fries dipped in vanilla ice cream, mac & cheese with ketshup.
91) Theme Song: Allie doesn’t know. Claire’s still thinking, and Jinx said Hmm…
92) The hardest thing about growing up: Growing up.
93) Your funnest experience: A lot of my times with Jinx or Sarah
94) Your scariest moment: Being so scared to tell my father something I hid under my bed when I was 9.
95) The silliest thing you\’ve said: Arg…that’s asking a lot.
96) The scariest thing that\’s ever happened while with your friend(s): Jerry’s driving.
97) The worst feeling in the world: Lonliness.
99) The best feeling in the world: Joy.

Do they have a grudge against 98? Anyways, hack is on! Adios for now. Arigatou Dusty-bun, that amused me for about an hour!