Rywn » scared

F you karma!

Sorensen — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 09:02:00 +0000

So today started with me thinking that perhaps karma was paying me back for all those nice needs I do driving by giving me a parking spot in front of work during street cleaning. No, karma was just trying to get in good with me for what it had in store later, which I could summarize with one word. Julia.

So Ricky calls me right before lunch and explains that he’d accidently im’d her or some crap like that and then there was happiness and joy of them becoming friends again and Julia having just got out of another relationship and wanting to hang out with Ricky again.

I actually fled to dominic for help. I don’t know how to say ” no Ricky, I in fact don’t want you going even remotely near Julia, looking in her direction, or thinking about her.” I knew dnic would be able to tell me when i was being paranoid, and when I had a legitimate reason to be worried. Plus, I knew dominic would be able to tell Ricky some of the things that as a girlfriend I really can’t. Like the fact that if Ricky even hints towardsstill being in love with Julia, I’m done. I’m gone so fast that he wouldn’t even have time to blink. I refuse to forever stick around and watch their pathetic story.

More tomorrow.

On the road

Sorensen — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 06:48:00 +0000

On my way to round lake again this weekend, it’s ricky’s grandfathers funeral. I’m just really glad that it wasn’t his other grandfather. Ricky would have been devastated. Last weekend was pretty freskin awesome. I had a rare girly weekend for me, and it included going shopping with pam and liz which turned out really nice. I’m excited because the cruise is only a couple weeks away now.

I sortve love this drive to round lake because it’s quiet and one of those few times where ricky and I just get to listen to music and talk. I’m pretty sure that an iPhone is one of thosethngs where when you get one, you’re never the same afterwards. You’d have to pry this thing out of my cold dead fingers. It’s nice to not has to lug around whatever massive book reading as well.
I want to hang out wihe mike but I feel like it would be weird. I’ve stayed away from the whole friends with guys things since peter. It’s nowhere near he same thing though I guess. I had feelings for peter and mike is just my friend, but I’m just scared. Mike is my first real friend that I didn’t inherit jus by beings friends with ricky since the whole thing with holly. I mostly talk to mike on the Internet so it’s been safe until now.

Dirty little secrets.

Sorensen — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 01:56:00 +0000

This is my dirty little secret entry. Perhaps because I know which “dirty little secret” was actually Holly’s on myspace, or maybe because I needed to write this all anyway. I dunno. But this is the entry nobody else can read, where I can confess all those fears that I’m terrified of telling anyone else.

I’m scared that without Holly around I won’t have friends anymore. That’s why I’m talking to more people.
I’m terrified that Peter will decide that his first decision that we could never work out will come back to haunt him.
I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a “real” relationship before.
I’m worried that Holly will hate me forever.
I’m hating Holly for what she doesn’t even realize she’s putting me through. At least I knew the affect my decision would have on her.
I’m angry that AI gave me a new roommate without even telling me.
I’m depressed that unless PT cleans up my apartment, my new roomie will get a bad first impression of me.
I’m edgy that I may be friends with my roomie. What’s it really matter when they all leave anyway.
I’m broken about friends. I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me again.
I need to be forgiven. Without it, I think they’ll always be a part of me that’s missing.
I know that all I’m letting people see if my anger. What I refuse to show is that all I’m really doing is wondering if I’ll ever get my friend back.
I regret the fact that I had to hurt Holly so that I could be happy. What I don’t regret is doing it. I waited, wanted and needed this happiness I’ve finally achieved for so long.
I blame myself for every friendship that’s gone wrong.
I wonder if I’m just a really horrible person and I’m the only one that doesn’t see it.
I need to know that it’s okay to be happy.
I am… in love. And I’m terrified to admit it. I’m absolutly terrified that one day Peter will find out and that he’ll laugh. I’m scared that admitting I’m in love will mean that I’m left wide open for him to tear into itny little pieces. And I’m scared that once again he’ll stop having feelings for me. I’m terrified of how much I need him and to admit how much I miss him.
I’m cautious into every thing I do or say involving Peter. I’m scared to say too much and I’m scared I say too little. The same goes for actions.
I’m trying to take everything one step at a time. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this… free. Free to be happy, free to say and do what I want. I’m so… happy for once and with this happiness I’m just waiting for it to all come crashing down. I’m trying to realize that the best way to live is in the moment.

Scared Shitless.

Sorensen — Mon, 05 Jul 2004 11:33:00 +0000

Ok, see, I told you I’d write again. Like I said, I only bother when somethings wrong and tonight is my last night home. I know that as soon as everyone’s in bed, I’m going to cry. That’s all there is too it. This house has been my home for so long and now after tonight I won’t get to be in my own bed for another 6 months. That’s a long time.

I’m looking around my room and I’m so nostalgic because I couldn’t even bring any of it with me. But I have an idea. I need to do this. I think those’ll help really. I know you’re probably wondering what I did. I took down my glow in the dark stars. I’ll put them up over my bed when I move.

Ok, so apparently there’s a lot of stuff really really close to where I’ll be living. Like a movie theatre. That is essential to my life and make me feel a lot better. And apparently 512 Square feet is actually pretty big. Didn’t know that. I’m sure that includes the bathroom however. o.-;

Alright. Temporary hysteria over and I’m once again thinking of opportunities. Yeyyyy! *grin*