It’s less then three weeks now until my parents arrive and I don’t think i’ve been this excited about something since my sister told me that I was not in fact getting a super nes for Xmas like I asked for but a playstation. Were all planned out to do all sorts of things which has me excited because that means that my dad has to spend time with me doing more then just playing wow at the same time. Yes, my dad plays world of Warcraft. It’s pretty amazing actually. Not too many children can complain that their dad won’t get off wow to spend time with the family and not vice versa.

Things between Ricky and I have been pretty good still, I just don’t hold my breath about anything and then I’m not disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Ricky says that both dnic and Ryan have admitted to being jealous about us and I’m still freaked out that all of the long term relationships that my friends were in have ended. Although I see Ryan and Pam more as a temporary thing because I just can’t picture Ryan with anyone else. Though it would most likely be a good thing as pam hasn’t really proven herself to deserve Ryan, which is pretty much the opposite of wha I wouldve said once upon a time.

That was just now.

There’s so much of my world that I’m trying to change or resist changing or is changing me that sometimes I can’t handle it all. Trying not to swear as much, to lose some of the weight I’ve put on since living at Ricky’s house, to get things done before they are immediately due, to be an adult, to still be young, to wanting to be on my own, to not snap as much as Ricky or be as greedy with his time, to trying to make his friends my friends as well, to dealing with the world without someone’s help… I just… can’t sometimes. I’m so used to having someone there to put me back together that I don’t think I know how to do it on my own anymore. Ricky tries but he just… or I can’t talk to him. I can’t tell him that sometimes I feel like my world is falling apart under my feet and I’m powerless to stop it. Everywhere around me, people are changing from “kids” to “adults”. Teresa’s getting married, Dominic and Liz had a baby, Ricky is a professional out in the world, and sometimes I feel like I just keep… falling short. There’s so much of me that just wants to go out partying and make bad decisions while the other half of me wants everything that they’re getting… the two halves of my inner me keep clashing and I don’t know how to balance them out yet.

I’m just… overwhelmed.

TOday I thought I was going crazy twice. Seeing things that aren’t there are one thing, but smelling them? Eyes play tricks on you but when the hell does your nose? It was all so sudden and quick that afterwards I was left just wondeirng if it had really ever happened in this first place.

I’m ashamed at myself in months previous. Downright ashamed. I don’t even know if it’s months, or just plain out years. I’ve been weak. I’m not saying that falling in love was weak, but how I acted when I was, was. I wanted to move to Chicago to become more independent and in some ways I did, and in some ways I crippled myself.

I just read my Horoscope for the day as I did this. Ironic really.

Overview: Ever thought about giving your anxieties a break? Funnily enough, they might not enjoy hanging around so much — and you’re more than ready to give ‘em a rest. Your outward tranquility increases with your inner peace.

I rather think it’s right.

I’m scared that without Holly around I won’t have friends anymore. That’s why I’m talking to more people.
I’m terrified that Peter will decide that his first decision that we could never work out will come back to haunt him.
I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a “real” relationship before.
I’m worried that Holly will hate me forever.
I’m hating Holly for what she doesn’t even realize she’s putting me through. At least I knew the affect my decision would have on her.
I’m angry that AI gave me a new roommate without even telling me.
I’m depressed that unless PT cleans up my apartment, my new roomie will get a bad first impression of me.
I’m edgy that I may be friends with my roomie. What’s it really matter when they all leave anyway.
I’m broken about friends. I refuse to let anyone else get that close to me again.
I need to be forgiven. Without it, I think they’ll always be a part of me that’s missing.
I know that all I’m letting people see if my anger. What I refuse to show is that all I’m really doing is wondering if I’ll ever get my friend back.
I regret the fact that I had to hurt Holly so that I could be happy. What I don’t regret is doing it. I waited, wanted and needed this happiness I’ve finally achieved for so long.
I blame myself for every friendship that’s gone wrong.
I wonder if I’m just a really horrible person and I’m the only one that doesn’t see it.
I need to know that it’s okay to be happy.
I am… in love. And I’m terrified to admit it. I’m absolutly terrified that one day Peter will find out and that he’ll laugh. I’m scared that admitting I’m in love will mean that I’m left wide open for him to tear into itny little pieces. And I’m scared that once again he’ll stop having feelings for me. I’m terrified of how much I need him and to admit how much I miss him.
I’m cautious into every thing I do or say involving Peter. I’m scared to say too much and I’m scared I say too little. The same goes for actions.
I’m trying to take everything one step at a time. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this… free. Free to be happy, free to say and do what I want. I’m so… happy for once and with this happiness I’m just waiting for it to all come crashing down. I’m trying to realize that the best way to live is in the moment.

Above all, I had a pretty good last few days. Other then my Art History II midterm being the devil and lying to me about what was on it and the horror of Final Destination 3… things were fine. I’m in a good mood right now cause I’m finally getting a few hours to myself to like… just chill.

Anyway, more later after I’ve taken the nice long bath I’m planning and had real time to break down the last few days in my head.

Maybe cause I really wanted to do something today, maybe it’s PMS, I don’t know, I don’t care, I just know that I felt rather… lonely? Holly’s been modeling the entire day so she really hasn’t done anything and then like… I wanted her to try out the last.fm radio and when I was having trouble she was just like.. “Thanks and all but I really just was to model and listen to my music…” I was all sad and angry I think cause like.. all I do is computer stuff…

Plus I’m like… wavering on other things cause like… I think I just want to pass it off as Peter just being drunk. It’s… so much easier to handle if I just don’t take anything seriously so I don’t.

And then like… people are getting upset with my because I lock my computer. Everyone’s all like… “Is there something you’re keeping from me? Do you not trust us?” But like… I just like it locked. I mean… you even admitted that once when I was upset with you people you tried looking at my livejournal and I keep everything set on auto-login… and Peter was reading my conversations with Randy the other day which isn’t cool cause Randy’s who I talk to about him…

And then Holly was like… all upset that I don’t talk about Peter with her… Honestly, why the hell would I? Peter’s always been a touchy subject between the two of us and why would I suddenly want to start talking to her about the metal malfunctions he causes me? I realize that like.. I usually tell her everything but there’s things she doesn’t tell me, so why do I have to tell her everything?

I’ve always been super over-protective of my journals anyway. I’m afraid because I don’t like many people seeing the stuff that literally goes on in my head since that’s what goes down here… livejournal is my guilty concience, my rational, the voices in my head. Plus this is a side of me that I really don’t like showing people… so why wouldn’t I be? I panic way more and angst way more then people normally think I do. I’m already anti-social enough, I don’t need people thinking I’m wacko to help people not talk to me.

Plus… not that I’m not beating a dead horse here, cause I know I am… it’s like.. Argh. Ebil Peter. I finally manage to beat down most of the emotions I had for him and in like 3 days he manages to ruin it. Damn him and his control over me!

Sigh.

I miss having a male best friend actually here that I can just curl up with and watch movies. I miss having friends I don’t live with. I understand that I don’t need to go see people because my apartment is the pimp house that everyone else calls home, but still. I almost miss the days when people like managed to actually get me to do things. I don’t know what it was.

At the same time, I really wish most people would leave me the hell alone. I get like 6 hours maybe alone a week. It’s driving me absolutly insane since I’ve always been a person who more then valued their privacy. It’s not that I don’t like living with my best friend – it’s great, but like… get out. Lol. Even the time I have while Holly’s in class is invaded by Daniel, and then it’s like.. argh. I don’t know. I’m just around the same people so much that I’m going absolutly insane at seeing them 24/7.

I hate it. I hate not having any control over my emotions or thought when I’m around him. I hate how when given the chance, like this completely opposing force like takes over.

It’s like… ohmygod… wtf… bbq-style.

I WISH MY HEAD WOULD EITHER PICK ONE FUCKING EMOTION OR ANOTHER

Because it’s driving me insane.

Because one second I’m like totally happy, over him and ready for something else

the next I’m like… Ooh, he so totally just like grabbed me out of nowhere when I so much as hinted at another guy

the next I’m like… OMG IM GUNNA KILL WHATEVER BITCH GETS YOU

the next I’m like… ok so as long as he’s happy.

the next I’m like… OH MY GOD WHY DONT YOU FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT ME TOO???!!!

It really fucking sucks.

It’s just like… suck. Lol. There’s no better word for it other then suck. Right now, I’m trying to figure out which of the above is being applied to me at the moment. I’m leaning towards… all of them. ^.~

Hmph. Lol.

Oh on another sucky note, I CAN’T EVEN GET A NEW APARTMENT HERE BECAUSE OF MY FUCKING LOANS.

GRR!! A different apartment would’ve been so nice… I mean, it’s not that I don’t love Holly or else I wouldn’t still be here if not to just get far far away from Peter, but having time to myself is always very high up on my list too.

Hmm… what else is there to report…

Nothing I suppose.

-End

I forgave her because she needed it, because I was terrified because I was scared I’d lose her forever. A part of me is furious that I can’t even ever be mad at Holly without something happening that I’m forced to forgive her. For us talking again and no longer giving me the excuse to just leave here.

I want to leave… god do I…

In my dreams I’d run away
If I’d stopped and waited
would you tell me to stay?
Or would you just watch
and that’d be our last day
never turning around, looking back
No lingering words to say.

Holly worries and panics that something will happen between Peter and I. If I could tell her, I’d tell her it’s probably as likely as me running into my sister on the streets of Chicago.
He doesn’t want me.
I for the life of me, if I could… I wouldn’t want him.

Boredom.